Gracious healer

Today has been just frustrating. So many little things. I was frustrated at myself and the way I do things...tired of being in a hurry...tired of waiting until the last minute to get things done...tired of my flesh and how it comes out ugly in moments of chaos and stress. Just tired.

Unbelief. That's what it is. I'm not believing that the God of the universe cares about poor little old me and my seemingly insignificant (in the grand scheme) circumstances. But He does...and He heals.

Today I could barely even ask him to heal me. But the prayers of a mother, a husband, a friend...He heard them. He reached down in all his glory to graciously heal my broken spirit. To lift me up and simply say, "It's going to be okay." He is truly faithful. He really does care. May I remember this the next time a frustrating day comes my way. In this world, it probably won't be too far off...

The Lord is merciful and gracious...like a father to his children...he understands how weak we are...But the love of the LORD remains forever with those who fear him. ~Psalm 103 (NLT)

Amen.

Like a bandaid

Letting go of these little ones... I was thinking today, it is a bit like a bandaid being pulled off ever so slowly. You know it has to happen, and it's definitely for the best, but it's hard in the moment. The constant letting go and realizing all over again that we really have no control of or hold on our children.

They are a gift, given to us for a time. But they belong to God. The bandaid will come off completely one day, and though it may be a bit painful, there are so many wounds that will be healed underneath, and that can be celebrated. For as they grow, I grow. As I learn to let go, He is teaching me what it means to bind to Him and Him alone. He is my source of strength...hope...joy...everything.

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles... ~Isaiah 40:31

I was reminded of this sweet little boy that I once held as a baby, when his feet didn't even touch the ground. I held him while he slept, so sweet & sound. Such a gift.

Almost 5 years later, though he doesn't sleep much during the day anymore, recently I had a moment of holding him like that again. Yet I noticed he's starting to grow out of my lap...and soon I'm sure I won't be able to hold him like this anymore. Letting go.

And this week, as he "graduated" from AWANA Cubbies & preschool, I found my eyes surprisingly welled with tears. More moments of letting go. Releasing him to go into the world and decide what he believes and then live that out. We pray he chooses the way of the wise. We pray he walks in the ways of the Lord. But we cannot choose for him. We cannot cling. We cannot control. He has to fly. I am thankful today that his wings grow relatively slowly ;) These days do seem long sometimes, but the years truly are short.

We love you, Jackson. We are so proud of you!

Thanksgiving...for His glory

In this life it is so tempting to live to glorify ourselves. It creeps in. Do I have that person's approval? Do they like me? Do they think I'm a good Christian? Do they think I'm a good wife or mom or friend?

I am studying this week in Anne Graham Lotz's bible study, Pursuing more of Jesus. She is a very gifted woman of God, yet I am struck by her humility. She doesn't have it all figured out necessarily, even if she is a "Graham." She's just another believer walking this walk, running this race, striving to live for His glory.

As I am reminded in John 17 that Jesus lived to glorify His father--even Jesus, who is the Father himself--I am humbled to realize that though this is my greatest desire, maybe I don't do such a good job of it sometimes. In my outward actions I might do okay, but in my thoughts I can easily get sidetracked by that self-glorifying mentality.

So, I am pondering this today. Praying that I can live to glorify my Father in heaven. Only. Laying down all those distracting thoughts that plague me. Focusing on this job He has for me to do today. Thanking Him for being so patient with me, so willing to give me a myriad of second chances. Thanking Him for blessing me--continually--with tangible blessings, big and small, and most of all, with the blessing of His presence. His Spirit.

Here's a little glimpse of one of my "thankfuls" from my gratitude journal this week...
#557. the pure & simple joy of our one year old :)

My mission

Being a mom is hard. I have been graciously reminded again recently that it is also this huge blessing, this high calling. Truly, it is my mission.

It is so easy to say I am really "just a mom." When I think of all I do in the course of a day, sometimes it amounts to many tedious tasks that don't really mean a lot to the world. Meals. Clean-up. Laundry. Driving. Meals. More clean-up. More meals. More clean-up. Fold laundry (or think about it at least).

But then there are the moments. The gracious moments that I believe God gives because He truly does care about us moms.

• The way they say "Ma-ma" and run to show me anything and everything that their little hands pick up.
•  The way that only mommy can kiss their hurts or hug their boo-boos just right to make it better sometimes.
• The way their silliness and joy in life just makes me smile and laugh.
• One who tells me that his highlight of the day was just "being with you, mommy."
• One who tells me "I love you a lot, Mommy, but I love Jesus the most," and melts my heart. 
• And one whose huge sobs in the night slowly subside as he grips my shirt and I rock him and pray.

It's these moments that remind me of the blessing of motherhood. There are so many moments. Some that seem they'll never end (like tantrums that threaten to damage your hearing). Some that I wish would never end (like the way they still want to cuddle and hold my hand). All of these moments point me to my God. His love for me. His saving grace.

On this Mother's Day, I could hope for breakfast in bed, or a really well thought out handmade card or gift, but ultimately I already have the best gift of all. God has entrusted me with these little beings, with their very lives. They are His. But I have the high calling to teach them, to nurture them, to lead them to Him, day in and day out. I am not good at it in my own strength. But by His strength and grace He has equipped me to be their one and only mommy.

"[May I] walk in a way worthy of the calling with which [I've] been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with [my children] in love." ~Ephesians 4:2

Some fun

David loves sheep! Who knew?!

Two boys learning to blaze the trail...

Family hiking day

 Jack starts his first sport...soccer!

His 2 silliest fans

First game day!

 Our Resurrection Garden

Good Friday...

     ...Easter Sunday!

Some egg coloring with Nana

Easter 2011

He is Risen!

I could have been one of "them"

Today is Good Friday. A day of reflecting on the incredible sacrifice of our Lord. As I was reading the account of the crucifixion in the gospel of Matthew this morning, something pretty profound hit me. Some of Jesus' mockers, as he hung there upon the cross--dying a criminals death--some of them hurled insults that sounded more like unbelief than actual hatred. Almost like they wanted to believe. Yet something in them held them back. And pride quickly kicked in.

"He saved others...but he can't save himself! Let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in Him. Let God rescue him now..." Matthew 27:42-43

We are all made with a God-shaped hole. A void in our soul that only He can fill. I realized today that when I've read this before I think I have mistakenly thought of those "mockers" as people who are far removed from where I am. Surely I would have been one of the women who was weeping at his feet, who believed with every fiber of her being that He was who He said He was, despite his awful circumstance at that moment in time. Right?

Maybe I'm more of a mocker than I realize. How often do I seek some sort of sign or tangible message from God when I am feeling like He is not there? How often do I question if He really cares about a situation that I'm in? Would I have been there saying, "Lord save yourself. Please! I know you can!" While thinking, "Then I will truly believe."

As I am praying for our boys in this challenge of 21 days of prayer for sons, I have come to be humbled in a big way. Parenting in general is pretty humbling. But it is also easy at times to think we're "better" than these little fleshly beings in some way. I mean, we are pretty much always assuming we know best as parents. We get to tell them what to do...all the time. "If only they would get it!" we think to ourselves as they do the same disobedient thing over and over again. It's tempting to puff up with pride just a little bit. And then I do something or say something awful in reaction to their behavior, and I am quickly placed back in reality...

"All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23

Praying through the fruit of the Spirit this week... Desiring our sons to walk in patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness... It has humbled me that I do not always walk there. I find myself at times in a state of unbelief. Not believing that He has died for me. That His Spirit is in me. That all I have to do is call on Him, claim what He has already given me, and then walk this walk of trust and belief, no matter where the next steps may lead.

I am so thankful for this humbling revelation today. I pray that we can pray and believe all that is ours in Christ Jesus. "While we were still sinners, He died for us!" (Rom 5:8) I am still a sinner...a mocker. But I am praising a Savior.

Prayer changes things

God is so cool. He really does work things out in such an amazing way. I once heard of God's plan described like a tapestry. The back of it looks a little messy; sometimes you're not really sure where different strands are going and if it all makes sense. But then you flip it over and it is a beautiful work of art. A masterpiece.

I guess I thought of that analogy because God truly has done a work in leading me to where I am today in being a mom of 3 boys. I once wondered if He knew what He was doing. I never used to dream I'd be in a house with this much testosterone. The energy levels amaze me. The differences amaze me. There's not much sitting and coloring or playing house going on (some of my favorites when I was little). There's a whole lot of battling and "fighting the bad guys" that occurs. But He has a purpose. He has brought me such a long way in 5 years! He has shown me that this is what He meant for me. And now, with another little one on the way, I finally can feel a sense of peace that truly it might be a boy...4 boys....and we will be okay if so!

I have been blessed to find a sort of 'community' of boy moms through the MOB society and now Warrior Prayers. I don't necessarily make it to the blogs every day, but I always find that God leads me to just the right post at just the right time. It really is cool. And that's what He did with 21 days of prayer for sons.

So, I embarked on 21 days (weekdays in April) of prayer about 2 weeks ago, and it has been amazing. Tom and I are praying specific scriptures (outlined in Brooke's ebook, Warrior Prayers) regarding topics like obedience,  pride, submission to authority, integrity, purity, love, joy, peace...

I can't say that it's been like a magic wand waved over our house, but I truly do sense a change since I started this. A move toward more peace...more patience...more love...more joy! We have always prayed for our sons, but this is so much more. I feel like I'm in constant conversation with God about them, and that changes my attitude toward them. It helps me realize that they are works in progress. It gives me more compassion towards them, more patience with them (which I run low on when I'm feeling sick and tired!). It humbles me, too. I realize I need to pray these scriptures in a specific way for myself, and  for Tom also. This Christian-life "thing" is not a one-day deal. It's a constant refining process. Daily. A constant turning back of focus. Refocusing on Christ and all He's done for us. Allowing His Spirit to work in and through us. Living for His glory. Bearing much fruit.

I pray these little boy hearts will know that there is a big God who loves them with an unfailing love. I pray that their hearts will turn to Him forever. And I pray that they will live and walk in Victory, claiming all that is ours in Christ Jesus, all the days of their lives.

Thank you, dear Lord, for hearing our prayers...