Littlest boy crossed a big milestone this week. We had to say good-bye to the trusted friend, the "pa-pa."
I know it's just a pacifier, and this too shall pass, ever so quickly. But it's been hard! I have felt myself feeling just as anxious and distraught as he has at times. It is hard to watch your baby go through emotional turmoil, even knowing this is a necessary thing to bring him to a better place. Knowing that he has to surrender in order to gain victory. The victory for now might just be a broken cycle of addiction to a teeth-altering plastic thing, but one day the battles will be much harder and the victories will be even sweeter.
I just want this little boy to know that I am fighting for him in the only way I can, on my knees. I remember laying on the floor in his room as an infant, crying out to the Lord to "quiet him with His love" (Zeph. 3:17)...and now outside his room pleading with the Lord to fill him with peace, contentment, and a tangible dose of His presence...and one day I'm sure I'll be battling it in the quiet, asking God to equip him with all he needs to face the many trials of this world. Asking God to help this boy surrender, that he may allow the Holy Spirit to teach him and guide him in all truth and righteousness, that he may gain the victory that has already been won.
Yes, I know this time it was just a pacifier. And thankfully he's already made strides this week in letting it go. But Lord may I continue to fight the battles for this boy, and all my children, in faithful prayer to you. Help me to surrender, trusting you to bring the victory.
Last night I felt a little bit fried. That pretty much sums it up. This week was hard. I'll admit it. I could sugar-coat our life right now and say we are the quintessential homeschool family, all singing hymns together around the piano to start our day, with a beautiful baby sleeping contentedly in a bassinet nearby. But in actuality when we've tried to incorporate some hymns on occasion, it usually ends up with a child banging the piano keys, another one jumping off the nearby chair, and a boy wrestling his brother to get back a toy or be the one who gets to sit on the piano bench. Sometimes there is singing.
The point is, it's not ideal. Not quintessential. But it's our life.
This week there were fights about school. There were brand new Christmas toys that were destroyed by a toddler, and an entire tupperware of kidney beans spilled all over the floor. There was a crying baby fighting her naps. There was much discipline for rudeness and disrespect.
There was also the joy of first baby laughs. Boys playing superhero all together. Boys excited to do a science project with daddy. A spontaneous walk to the playground. 'Ice skating' in the back yard. Lots of game playing. And some sweet cuddles too.
I am tired. I don't get much of a "break" by the world's standards. But I am thankful. This is my life. The ugly and the beautiful. I want to hold open my hands and say "yes" to all the Lord has. All that he is teaching me, though sometimes it is through the hard stuff. I want to look at my children and see the wonder, the miracle that they really are, underneath all that flesh. After all, that is how He sees me.
Even if I feel fried every now and then...I don't want to miss this.
"God is faithful." ~1 Cor. 1:9
