The way they grow...and a year ahead

 
Our second son turned 4 this past week. Seems like yesterday I cuddled with that sleeping little newborn. He's growing into himself now. He loves anything superhero (particularly Buzz and Spiderman) and he tells me he wants to fly (and i ask him not to try). He is eager to serve others, and loves to give gifts. He is something of an artist, and has taken a lot of interest in coloring and writing his letters this past year. He is passionate (or dramatic), and when he is upset his cry can make you want to hide under a pillow! He's tough as any "all boy" boy, yet his favorite colors are pink & purple. He loves to ride his bike super fast. And he loves to hold & kiss his baby brother.
 
Celebrating another birthday, and thinking over how these boys grow has made us ponder the things that really matter. Our greatest desire for our children is that they grow to know and serve the Lord their God with all their heart, mind, and strength. That they love their neighbors as themselves. And as they grow, we realize more and more that this is not going to be an easy thing for them. They are now under our wing, by God's grace. They are able to grow and learn and mess up with our guidance and direction. All too soon they will face many trials and hardships of their own, out in the world, and they will have to choose whether to go God's way...or the way of their flesh. It is a scary thought. Praise the Lord that He is sovereign, and even my tender Mama's heart doesn't have to worry day in and day out about these things. When I think of it all in the "big picture" view it can take my breath away. Maybe that's one of the blessings of this busy time of life with little ones. We don't have time to really think on all that they may one day face. It's just too overwhelming. Yet the Victory has been won. And we will continue to pray... 

Thank you, Lord, that you give us so many tender moments with our boys as they grow from little to big. Thank you for giving them to us to care for and hold and protect for this short amount of time. May they grow to be warriors for your kingdom, brave knights who love and obey your Word. And may we not take for granted any of these days...even if they sometimes seem long and tiring.

That brings us to the year ahead... I don't have any crazy resolutions, and my husband doesn't really either. Just simple ones. To be wise & intentional with our time. Good stewards of these bodies we've been given. To trust Him more deeply. To walk on the path He has set for us...on level ground.

Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust.
Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.
Deliver me from my enemies, O LORD!
I have fled to you for refuge.

Teach me to do your will, for you are my God.

Let your good Spirit lead me on level ground! ~Psalm 143:8-10

A blessed 2012 from our family to yours!

December flies by

I won't be long today, but I thought I'd put up a few pictures of some fun we've had the past couple weeks. It's hard to believe it's already halfway through December. It crept up so quickly, and now we're almost to day 13 on the advent calendar!! I was looking back at posts from last year like this one and was reminded that I was "grasping for air" then too. I guess it just comes with the season...a certain hecticness that can make you go crazy if you let it (and some days I do). But although these days are filled with many activities and "to do's" on the list, they are full days and I am a good-tired as I fall into bed at the end of them. I am so thankful for the blessing of this family that calls me "mommy" :)

Praise the Lord that the truth of Christmas is that he came to be with us ALWAYS...not only once a year! May His peace rule in our hearts as we prepare to celebrate what He's done for us. That baby boy, Christ our King.



JESUS is our only hope

Today is one of those days when I feel like I just can't do this. Thankfully things have been going well lately, even with a newborn added to the mix! Though my days are often hectic and I hear myself repeating "I can only do one thing at a time" to various children all day long, I have felt God's grace in amazing ways in how he's given me patience and grown me in this call as a mommy. But I will admit that today I just don't feel I'm cut out for the job. Maybe it is the overwhelming tasks looming over my head--like laundry or clutter. Or maybe it's the things that I am frustrated about not getting to--like putting those pictures in an album that i've had sitting around (literally in a pile on an ottoman) since June. Or maybe that i can't seem to find anything when I need it--like the address book that can't be found all the sudden when I need to mail about a zillion thank you notes. Or maybe it's the constant discipline that just doesn't seem to be changing hearts lately.

Life is just frustrating. And honestly it hurts sometimes. It hurts to have things go much differently than you thought they would go. It hurts to have people disappoint you. It hurts to disappoint people. It hurts to see people hurting.

The one thing that I just keep coming back to in my mind, though, is where my hope comes from. JESUS is my only answer, my only hope. The only way. The only truth. The life. He just is. The way I see it is we either live believing that with every bone in our body, or we don't. If God is not bigger than anything we face, then who is he anyway? If he's the God of the Bible, then he is over everything and our only reason for hope in this world. If he can only help us in certain situations or he only cares about some things, then what does it mean when it says, "For from him and to him and for him are all things. To him be the glory forever!" Romans 11:36

I cannot explain how I function some days on such little sleep with 4 little boys tugging on me all day long. I cannot tell you how we might be able to homeschool our children (if he calls us to). I cannot explain how hurts get healed. I cannot explain how blessings flow amidst pain...but they do. There is so much in this life that we tend to give up on, or just push under the rug or turn our head or find a way out of. But there is always hope. There is always a way to do the impossible. Jesus is that way. He came to earth to be that way for you and me. I have to stand on that, or I will crumble.

So I will press on. Knowing that even on days when I don't "feel" that I'm cut out for this call, Jesus will equip me to do it...and the mercies will be fresh and new the next morning. He is my hope and stay.

My wayward heart

I'm a funny blogger, if you can even call me that. I sometimes go a loooonnng time between posts. And then I feel a prompting. It's really weird actually. I mean, I'm pretty much never alone these days, yet lately I have been feeling very "alone" with my thoughts. I guess I've been pretty isolated with the new baby. Yes, maybe I'm just a crazy postpartum lady!

Being at home has been a blessing in many ways, but it also feels a little bit suffocating at times. There is always someone or something that has a need that has to be filled by me, and that can get overwhelming. Yesterday morning I was feeling that way bigtime. And honestly it was stealing my joy. One thing after another happened. The enemy is relentless in his ways to get me (and my kids) to act out in our flesh and sin in this battlefield of life. I got to a place where I could barely even remember Truth, let alone declare it out loud, which is what I knew I needed to do. It was a downward spiral. Then my husband came home and told me a simple story of a testimony he heard at church related to Operation Christmas Child. It had really touched his heart. And then it hit me. Newsflash! It's not all about me.

It is not about me. It's about this amazing God and how He is always working, He provides for every need, and He truly does answer every prayer. The glory is HIS.

This is my life. Constant ups and downs. It is so frustrating, yet so real. I wake up talking to the Lord--thanking him and asking for his grace to walk in His Spirit this day. I might even have a praise song in my head from the moment I step out of bed (always an added bonus). And then the day sets in. Babies fuss at the most inopportune moments, toddlers play with everything that's not a toy, preschoolers whine and complain and argue, messes are made, things aren't getting done like I hoped or planned...I'm literally surrounded by things that can tempt discouragement in my soul. I spiral down, then I swim back up for air (that is His grace), I spiral a bit again, then air, then spiral...you get the picture. I so wish it was different. Not that my life was different, but that my response to the potential discouragment be different. How I want to declare Truth like it's in the forefront of my mind in every situation I face. How I want to simply praise God, instead of complaining to Him so often. How I want to choose Joy! And to lay down my wayward, selfish heart that seeks my own comfort all the time.

I know it might sound like I'm a bit down in the dumps right now. Really I'm not (even though my hormones might be a little out of whack!). I am just dealing with those every day ups & downs, all those feelings that swirl around like they have no place to go. The only place for them to go is to my Heavenly Father, who tenderly reminds me of his love and grace, moment by moment.

Truly, I have much to be thankful for...

A beautiful, healthy baby boy

Three sweet, strong big brothers for that baby boy

An amazing husband, who has seen me through 4 hard deliveries, never ceasing to encourage me and pull me through. He is our rock who continually points us all to our amazing God. Such a blessing.
                                                 

"As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul thirsts for God, for the living God...Why are you downcast, O my soul. Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." ~Psalm 42

Great is thy faithfulness

I've been camping out in Lamentations 3 for about a week now. Well, actually I've been studying the whole book with our ladies' bible study, but if you've ever read Lamentations, it's not super pleasant to dwell on much besides chapter 3! Jeremiah does some serious lamenting, both personally & for Israel as a nation, in this short book of the Bible. I am struck by his honesty, and I love it actually. It is always so refreshing to be reminded that God does not want us to act like we are fine all the time when we come to him. It is so tempting to do that, because we sort of just fall into that in our human nature. Our typical greeting to each other as we pass by is usually a "how are you?" with a quick reply of "doing fine, thanks" or something similar, even if we are in reality on the brink of breaking because of the many burdens weighing on our hearts. We (or I) sort of feel like we have failed or are doing something wrong if we are not fine, if we don't have it all pretty much together pretty much all of the time. But God wants our honest hearts. He knows our true feelings anyway, so why not bring them to Him in humility and surrender? He really cares. He can take our honesty!

And the awesome part is that if we will call this to mind [a true act of the will for me at times] we can have hope:

"Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:21-23

I've been reminded that despite how some days in my little life I feel quite consumed, I actually am not. Some days when the burdens are great--when it seems like there is just so much to pray for, so much hurt in so many lives...we are not consumed. In the big and little He remains faithful. His mercies are new every single day. No matter what I fear or am anxious about or burdened by; even despite what I just feel inconvenienced by in this life...Great is thy faithfulness.

So that is what I am encouraged about and thankful for this week. Nothing monumental or super insightful...just this simple reminder. I just felt it was right to share it today.

Summer recap

A move, one broken arm, two incidents requiring stitches, lots of swimming, popsicles, ice cream, backyard haircuts, one boy turned 5, trips to FL,  D.C., New Jersey, Tabor City, backyard camping, cousins, grandparents, friends, and a little retreat for mommy & daddy...it was a wonderful summer!!
We feel very blessed.


Now onto Fall...

School, apples, Awana, and a new arrival soon to come... :)

Serving with Joy

I have been reading a few books this summer. I'm the type that sometimes has about 4-5 books "going" at one time. It drives me crazy, and yet I love it. I really enjoy reading, but alas this season of my life doesn't allow for a whole lot of quiet time to just sit with a latte and a good book. One day... :)

Anyway, one of the books I've been savoring is The Mission of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson. Wow. It's so good! Every time I pick it up I feel like I'm renewed in my purpose as a mom, my God-designed, holy purpose to serve the Lord in serving my children.

"Therefore, I urge you, [sister], in view of God's mercy, to offer your body as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship." Romans 12:2

This verse has been one God urged me to put to memory recently. The whole idea of a living sacrifice is so foreign to this world it seems. We do everything we can to be comfortable, to get what we want. Sure, we do good things, but we try not to inconvenience ourselves too much. I do this without even thinking about it sometimes. I want what will make me "feel" good...and I want it now!! But this is not God's way. His way is laying down our rights. Serving. Turning the other cheek. Not always getting what we think we deserve.

When I am alone with 3 little boys all day long, it can be so tempting to think about what I deserve. If only they would understand the sacrifices I make for them...making their food appear in front of them at just the right times, cleaning up after them constantly, reading that favorite book for the hundredth time...and on and on. And oh, I am tired. I've been tired for over 5 years! Don't I deserve a nap, or more quiet time, or more time to click away on the internet? The thing is this kind of thinking is a total trap for me. It is lies from the devil that only can lead to resentful feelings and a heart that is parched and dry. It leads to unhappy children that think they've done something to make mommy discontent.

But alas, I am learning. Praise God that he is gracious and patiently teaching me in this mothering journey. He has gifted so many who I am blessed to have walk beside me and encourage growth, even sometimes in just reading a wonderful book like this one.

Jesus came to this earth with full rights as a King, yet he chose to lay down those rights to serve. He chose to serve because of His great love for us. And like him, I am called to give up my rights and what I may feel I deserve simply out of my great love for Him. I don't want to look at my days and wish I had more time to myself. These little beings are only going to need me like this for a short time. There are no wasted moments. God is using them to refine me just as much as he's using me to train them. Each day, with it's PB&Js and messes and whatever else, is God's perfect will for my life yielded to him.

"Serving with joy in the midst of our messes and difficulty can only be done when we walk in the power of the Holy Spirit. When we see each minute with our children as an opportunity to worship God through our service of Him, our children sense our joy and feel secure and happy." ~Sally Clarkson

We have decided to keep all our boys home this year...I guess you could call it "homeschooling," though we haven't really labeled it that yet. I am trying to teach them some stuff ;) We are in a transition time. Searching and seeking the Lord's will for our family and each individual child. But for now, you can call me crazy. Baby on the way + ages 2, 3, & 5...all boys...all at home. Yeah, I pretty much could walk around with a sticker saying, "yes, my hands are full!" in reply to all the comments I get about it. But ironically, though there are definite moments of craziness, this is undoubtedly what the Lord has called us to for right now. The kids are thriving (most days) and our family life feels content. I really think it's through this process of laying down my rights that I have learned so much about what it really means to serve the Lord. It's just not always easy, and it's not even always what we would choose or picture for our life. But if He calls us to it, He equips us to do it. And there is so much blessing in that.

So, may I serve with joy, may you serve with joy. Each to where and to what we are called...

Why strongholds?

I have been pondering this question lately...perhaps caught up in my own defeatedness at times, and other times discouraged by "the world" in general. I mean, why doesn't the Lord just zap us into at least a semi-state of perfection once we see and admit our desperate need for Him?! Why does he allow us to struggle so against the tactics of the enemy? Why does he allow us to still wrestle greatly with our flesh, even after His Spirit dwells within?

The answer is obvious in Scripture. Obvious, yet requiring of constant reminder to my wayward heart.

"...this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead." 2 Cor. 1:9

"That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses...in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Cor. 12:10

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." Heb. 12:11

"For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." 2 Cor. 1:5

I know that God doesn't perfect us here on this earth for a divine reason. He is so purposeful. He doesn't give us easy formulas or "how to's" for marriage or parenting or even just right living. But He gives us something better...His Holy Word. Living Water. He allows us to struggle, so that we draw nearer to Him, so that we know that we know that we just cannot do this thing without Him. So that we know (and live like) He is our life and breath.

Recently I heard Beth Moore describe our earthly "promised land" as characterized by 2 things: 1) living in consistent Victory (not sinless, not even always happy, but consistently claiming the Victory that Christ died to give us in daily moments of life), and 2) bearing fruit (living in our calling, being impactful for Christ in the sphere of influence He has put us in).

That really struck me. I realized that I was allowing myself to be brought down by my strongholds and let them enter me into a cycle of defeat over and over again. I was not living in my promised land. And that is not where God wants me to be. No matter what circumstance comes my way in this life, no matter how many times a day I think I can't do this, He is the Victory. He has already overcome. It is finished. I came back from hearing that with a renewed heart and steadfast spirit.

I am called to spend my days raising these wild, crazy boys. To allow Him to love them through me. To point them to the Cross every chance I have. To honor Him in my struggles and in my hardships. To cling to Grace as the very air I breathe.

May I hold fast to the One who makes this even remotely possible! May I rejoice in my strongholds and struggles, as He brings me from glory to glory. His grace truly is sufficient...His power made perfect in weakness.

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I was led to this very wise blog post today for a reason...and so I'm linking this post there.

The hard thankfuls

I've been reminded a lot lately, and urged in my spirit, to give thanks in the hard things. It is somewhat easy to make a gratitude list of all the good things.

feeling little baby kicks
grandparents who love my sons
a beautiful day with family & friends

But it's the harder things that I don't naturally give thanks for.

whining children
one brother hurting another
unfulfilled hopes
hard relationships

I can't seem to get the lyrics of the Laura Story song, Blessings, out of my mind recently. What if His blessings come through raindrops? What if they come through tears? What if trials of this life are His mercies in disguise?

I am reminded that God is truly in and over everything. Nothing happens apart from Him--He allows it, He ordains it. Either way, He really is constantly blessing. He really is good...even if I don't "feel" it all the time. His ways are not my ways. I forget that at least once a day. I sit down with my gratitude journal at the end of a hard day sometimes and have to rack my brain to think of what I am thankful for. Ugh!

As Anne Voskamp says, All is grace. Even the ugly can be turned into beautiful by giving thanks. Remembering His faithfulness. Trusting Him to be working all things together for good...always. Thanksgiving comes before the miracle.

So I'm trying to be thankful more for the not so good stuff. The "ugly beautiful." I am seeking freedom there. He is God. I am not. When I try to control all that which does not seem to bring happiness or contentment, or everything that hurts, it just ends up a mess. A cycle of defeat.

A close friend just said to me that the only way hurtful words or actions can truly hurt me (and cause bitterness to root) is if I am not living dead to self. Living the life Christ died to give me. The crucified life. Walking in constant, utter dependence on Him.

Lord, thank you for the hard things today. Teach me how to live completely dependent on you, moment by moment. Trusting you. Believing you. Praising you. May you be glorified...

Gracious healer

Today has been just frustrating. So many little things. I was frustrated at myself and the way I do things...tired of being in a hurry...tired of waiting until the last minute to get things done...tired of my flesh and how it comes out ugly in moments of chaos and stress. Just tired.

Unbelief. That's what it is. I'm not believing that the God of the universe cares about poor little old me and my seemingly insignificant (in the grand scheme) circumstances. But He does...and He heals.

Today I could barely even ask him to heal me. But the prayers of a mother, a husband, a friend...He heard them. He reached down in all his glory to graciously heal my broken spirit. To lift me up and simply say, "It's going to be okay." He is truly faithful. He really does care. May I remember this the next time a frustrating day comes my way. In this world, it probably won't be too far off...

The Lord is merciful and gracious...like a father to his children...he understands how weak we are...But the love of the LORD remains forever with those who fear him. ~Psalm 103 (NLT)

Amen.

Like a bandaid

Letting go of these little ones... I was thinking today, it is a bit like a bandaid being pulled off ever so slowly. You know it has to happen, and it's definitely for the best, but it's hard in the moment. The constant letting go and realizing all over again that we really have no control of or hold on our children.

They are a gift, given to us for a time. But they belong to God. The bandaid will come off completely one day, and though it may be a bit painful, there are so many wounds that will be healed underneath, and that can be celebrated. For as they grow, I grow. As I learn to let go, He is teaching me what it means to bind to Him and Him alone. He is my source of strength...hope...joy...everything.

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles... ~Isaiah 40:31

I was reminded of this sweet little boy that I once held as a baby, when his feet didn't even touch the ground. I held him while he slept, so sweet & sound. Such a gift.

Almost 5 years later, though he doesn't sleep much during the day anymore, recently I had a moment of holding him like that again. Yet I noticed he's starting to grow out of my lap...and soon I'm sure I won't be able to hold him like this anymore. Letting go.

And this week, as he "graduated" from AWANA Cubbies & preschool, I found my eyes surprisingly welled with tears. More moments of letting go. Releasing him to go into the world and decide what he believes and then live that out. We pray he chooses the way of the wise. We pray he walks in the ways of the Lord. But we cannot choose for him. We cannot cling. We cannot control. He has to fly. I am thankful today that his wings grow relatively slowly ;) These days do seem long sometimes, but the years truly are short.

We love you, Jackson. We are so proud of you!

Thanksgiving...for His glory

In this life it is so tempting to live to glorify ourselves. It creeps in. Do I have that person's approval? Do they like me? Do they think I'm a good Christian? Do they think I'm a good wife or mom or friend?

I am studying this week in Anne Graham Lotz's bible study, Pursuing more of Jesus. She is a very gifted woman of God, yet I am struck by her humility. She doesn't have it all figured out necessarily, even if she is a "Graham." She's just another believer walking this walk, running this race, striving to live for His glory.

As I am reminded in John 17 that Jesus lived to glorify His father--even Jesus, who is the Father himself--I am humbled to realize that though this is my greatest desire, maybe I don't do such a good job of it sometimes. In my outward actions I might do okay, but in my thoughts I can easily get sidetracked by that self-glorifying mentality.

So, I am pondering this today. Praying that I can live to glorify my Father in heaven. Only. Laying down all those distracting thoughts that plague me. Focusing on this job He has for me to do today. Thanking Him for being so patient with me, so willing to give me a myriad of second chances. Thanking Him for blessing me--continually--with tangible blessings, big and small, and most of all, with the blessing of His presence. His Spirit.

Here's a little glimpse of one of my "thankfuls" from my gratitude journal this week...
#557. the pure & simple joy of our one year old :)

My mission

Being a mom is hard. I have been graciously reminded again recently that it is also this huge blessing, this high calling. Truly, it is my mission.

It is so easy to say I am really "just a mom." When I think of all I do in the course of a day, sometimes it amounts to many tedious tasks that don't really mean a lot to the world. Meals. Clean-up. Laundry. Driving. Meals. More clean-up. More meals. More clean-up. Fold laundry (or think about it at least).

But then there are the moments. The gracious moments that I believe God gives because He truly does care about us moms.

• The way they say "Ma-ma" and run to show me anything and everything that their little hands pick up.
•  The way that only mommy can kiss their hurts or hug their boo-boos just right to make it better sometimes.
• The way their silliness and joy in life just makes me smile and laugh.
• One who tells me that his highlight of the day was just "being with you, mommy."
• One who tells me "I love you a lot, Mommy, but I love Jesus the most," and melts my heart. 
• And one whose huge sobs in the night slowly subside as he grips my shirt and I rock him and pray.

It's these moments that remind me of the blessing of motherhood. There are so many moments. Some that seem they'll never end (like tantrums that threaten to damage your hearing). Some that I wish would never end (like the way they still want to cuddle and hold my hand). All of these moments point me to my God. His love for me. His saving grace.

On this Mother's Day, I could hope for breakfast in bed, or a really well thought out handmade card or gift, but ultimately I already have the best gift of all. God has entrusted me with these little beings, with their very lives. They are His. But I have the high calling to teach them, to nurture them, to lead them to Him, day in and day out. I am not good at it in my own strength. But by His strength and grace He has equipped me to be their one and only mommy.

"[May I] walk in a way worthy of the calling with which [I've] been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with [my children] in love." ~Ephesians 4:2

Some fun

David loves sheep! Who knew?!

Two boys learning to blaze the trail...

Family hiking day

 Jack starts his first sport...soccer!

His 2 silliest fans

First game day!

 Our Resurrection Garden

Good Friday...

     ...Easter Sunday!

Some egg coloring with Nana

Easter 2011

He is Risen!

I could have been one of "them"

Today is Good Friday. A day of reflecting on the incredible sacrifice of our Lord. As I was reading the account of the crucifixion in the gospel of Matthew this morning, something pretty profound hit me. Some of Jesus' mockers, as he hung there upon the cross--dying a criminals death--some of them hurled insults that sounded more like unbelief than actual hatred. Almost like they wanted to believe. Yet something in them held them back. And pride quickly kicked in.

"He saved others...but he can't save himself! Let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in Him. Let God rescue him now..." Matthew 27:42-43

We are all made with a God-shaped hole. A void in our soul that only He can fill. I realized today that when I've read this before I think I have mistakenly thought of those "mockers" as people who are far removed from where I am. Surely I would have been one of the women who was weeping at his feet, who believed with every fiber of her being that He was who He said He was, despite his awful circumstance at that moment in time. Right?

Maybe I'm more of a mocker than I realize. How often do I seek some sort of sign or tangible message from God when I am feeling like He is not there? How often do I question if He really cares about a situation that I'm in? Would I have been there saying, "Lord save yourself. Please! I know you can!" While thinking, "Then I will truly believe."

As I am praying for our boys in this challenge of 21 days of prayer for sons, I have come to be humbled in a big way. Parenting in general is pretty humbling. But it is also easy at times to think we're "better" than these little fleshly beings in some way. I mean, we are pretty much always assuming we know best as parents. We get to tell them what to do...all the time. "If only they would get it!" we think to ourselves as they do the same disobedient thing over and over again. It's tempting to puff up with pride just a little bit. And then I do something or say something awful in reaction to their behavior, and I am quickly placed back in reality...

"All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23

Praying through the fruit of the Spirit this week... Desiring our sons to walk in patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness... It has humbled me that I do not always walk there. I find myself at times in a state of unbelief. Not believing that He has died for me. That His Spirit is in me. That all I have to do is call on Him, claim what He has already given me, and then walk this walk of trust and belief, no matter where the next steps may lead.

I am so thankful for this humbling revelation today. I pray that we can pray and believe all that is ours in Christ Jesus. "While we were still sinners, He died for us!" (Rom 5:8) I am still a sinner...a mocker. But I am praising a Savior.

Prayer changes things

God is so cool. He really does work things out in such an amazing way. I once heard of God's plan described like a tapestry. The back of it looks a little messy; sometimes you're not really sure where different strands are going and if it all makes sense. But then you flip it over and it is a beautiful work of art. A masterpiece.

I guess I thought of that analogy because God truly has done a work in leading me to where I am today in being a mom of 3 boys. I once wondered if He knew what He was doing. I never used to dream I'd be in a house with this much testosterone. The energy levels amaze me. The differences amaze me. There's not much sitting and coloring or playing house going on (some of my favorites when I was little). There's a whole lot of battling and "fighting the bad guys" that occurs. But He has a purpose. He has brought me such a long way in 5 years! He has shown me that this is what He meant for me. And now, with another little one on the way, I finally can feel a sense of peace that truly it might be a boy...4 boys....and we will be okay if so!

I have been blessed to find a sort of 'community' of boy moms through the MOB society and now Warrior Prayers. I don't necessarily make it to the blogs every day, but I always find that God leads me to just the right post at just the right time. It really is cool. And that's what He did with 21 days of prayer for sons.

So, I embarked on 21 days (weekdays in April) of prayer about 2 weeks ago, and it has been amazing. Tom and I are praying specific scriptures (outlined in Brooke's ebook, Warrior Prayers) regarding topics like obedience,  pride, submission to authority, integrity, purity, love, joy, peace...

I can't say that it's been like a magic wand waved over our house, but I truly do sense a change since I started this. A move toward more peace...more patience...more love...more joy! We have always prayed for our sons, but this is so much more. I feel like I'm in constant conversation with God about them, and that changes my attitude toward them. It helps me realize that they are works in progress. It gives me more compassion towards them, more patience with them (which I run low on when I'm feeling sick and tired!). It humbles me, too. I realize I need to pray these scriptures in a specific way for myself, and  for Tom also. This Christian-life "thing" is not a one-day deal. It's a constant refining process. Daily. A constant turning back of focus. Refocusing on Christ and all He's done for us. Allowing His Spirit to work in and through us. Living for His glory. Bearing much fruit.

I pray these little boy hearts will know that there is a big God who loves them with an unfailing love. I pray that their hearts will turn to Him forever. And I pray that they will live and walk in Victory, claiming all that is ours in Christ Jesus, all the days of their lives.

Thank you, dear Lord, for hearing our prayers...

Final thoughts from his mission trip

Day 8: What Haiti taught me.

As I was sitting on the plane on the way back to the States, I couldn't help but play the last week over in my mind and try to pin a few life lessons down. So here goes...

Lesson #1: A cold shower at the end of a very hot day is actually quite nice. This one relates to my ridiculous worries about the future. It may seem small, but in preparation for this trip, I was a bit anxious about the report of "no hot water" at the SP compound. I guess I place more importance on comfort than I realized. What I feared, however, was instead an incredible blessing.

Lesson #2: Priorities... I met some incredibly poor people this week. They would kill for the lifestyles of some of the poorest people in the US--literally. We were warned not to give "gifts" out to the patients, or even the Haitian staff, because they had learned it could quickly lead to a physical fight. There were a few babies we saw that were exceptionally malnourished. For one reason or another, the mothers had been forced to stop breastfeeding at 5 or 6 months instead of 1+ years like normal. In those cases, we tried to give them a nutritional "paste" called Plumpy (a tasty concoction of fat and sugar, and 1 small pouch had 500 calories). The other mothers saw this and immediately wanted it for their children. I got the impression that if we weren't in a "secure" environment, it could have gotten ugly.

It's strange to see people willing to fight over food, but still placing a priority on having a cell phone... Just like home, right? I do it too, I know. I wonder what God thinks about our "priorities.". Unfortunately, I think my view of life has been so clouded that I can't really even see what God wants my priorities to be.

Lesson #3: My idea of "right" is only as true as it lines up with the Creator's definition of right. In a security briefing by the SP personal, we were told that if our driver hits another car or person, they will immediately leave the scene of the accident. The reason is that the Haitian idea of justice would be to drag the passengers out of our car and kill us... A version of an eye for an eye. With that in mind, Praise the Lord we never hit anybody! I'm pretty sure that's why God wants us to leave the judging to Him. One fundamental problem I see with my idea of right is that it is based on the principle that death is the worst thing that can happen to someone. A more Biblically appropriate basis for right would be to base the idea of it on "eternal separation from God" as the worst possible end. With that perspective, a lot of the "why do bad things happen to good people" questions would evaporate into thin air... No one is good other than God, and my imperfect idea of right should take a back seat to what He ordains.


Lesson #4: I miss my family... About 6 months ago, God put a question on my heart: "what is fasting all about?" Honestly, I don't think I'd ever thought much about it, and I've personally not heard much about it in church. When I had thought about in the past, I was hindered in my spirit because I felt I couldn't do it without having a sense of pride about accomplishing some version of self sacrifice. Earlier this year, I began by studying Isaiah 58 and confirmed that that "self-serving" fast indeed was not what God wants. I had also been convicted some time ago that my inability to perform a task without feeling prideful should never hinder me from giving God my best... He deserves our best.

So what is fasting? Food certainly comes to mind. Many people I love dearly have fasted from food in different ways in the recent past. As I have observed, I have been fascinated with their journeys. One obvious thing I learned is that God calls us to different things at different times. What may be right for me right now, may never be what He intends for you. Another thing I observed was the temptation for some to say during their fast: "Hey, this really isn't that bad, maybe I could keep doing this for a while." I know their hearts were right, as much as you can ever know that of someone else. However, that statement, I believe, is not the heart God desires of our fasts. What is most important to us in this life? Would you give it up if God asked you to? I think a "fast" is God's way of proving to us that we are as committed to Him as we hope we are. He certainly gains nothing from me living some aesthetic form of self denial. He certainly can and will use depravity, however, to teach us much about His kingdom and our place in it.

So, with much pain and trembling, I felt God calling me to "fast" from my beautiful wife and precious children, the ones I hold most dear on this earth. I felt this call in December (5 months ago), but I'm honestly just now putting it together. God provided this trip to Haiti not to bring separation between me and my family, but to enthrone Himself as absolute Lord in my life, even over these most previous of gifts He has blessed me with. He has been faithful to sustain me this past week. It was not easy. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do actually, but He sustained me. Though I know He may call me to other similar trips, I would never be able to say "this isn't so bad."

Lesson #5: Paul never traveled alone... I praise the Lord for my good friend Adam. It's a miracle of our gracious God that He was even on this trip. If you only knew all the things that had to "fall" into place for him to come with me, you would be amazed. I'm not at all implying that his purpose on this trip was simply hold my hand. On the contrary, I saw God work on and through Adam in many ways this week. I know he was stretched beyond his comfort zone, and I'm sure he felt at times like he had little to offer (I think we all did). However, I saw him befriend and minister to more of the Haitian staff than just about any other "short timer" there. What I am saying is that God did not intend for us to fly solo. I pray that I encouraged and supported Adam as much as he did me. So whether he was my Silas or I was his, I don't really know, but I have a feeling that God intended us to serve that purpose for each other.

Lesson #6: Evil can be hard to see when you're at home. I was struck while in Haiti by how obvious evil was. From stories of voodoo zombies and baby snatching to gangs, murder and political corruption, the work of "the opposing team," was painfully vivid. It stood out in dramatic fashion against the work being done for God by SP and the Haitian Christians I met. It's not nearly so obvious here in the States. I know we have plenty of violence and corruption here, but for the most part, I'm either sheltered from it or hardened towards it. The TV news gets so excited by the dramatic tragedies that occur here that it almost seems like an extension of Hollywood. In a sick way, it becomes entertainment, far from "real" life. As I've been processing this trip, however, I'm beginning to realize that the old snake from the garden is simply up to his old tricks again. If that worm can convince us that his evil enticements (lying, cheating, pornography at the grocery store checkout, hate...) are either commonplace or things that happen "somewhere else", he's that much closer to pulling our hearts away from God. It's no different in Haiti. I read a statistic that Haiti is 75% catholic and 90% voodoo. As I watched child after child come into the clinic with a voodoo charm around there neck, I began to understand a little about life back home. Most of these families professed to believe in Jesus, and yet they still put these charms on their children for "protection". How many things do we accept, or openly participate in, simply because it's part of our culture? Sure, it's not voodoo, but are these exceptions to our complete devotion to God's way any less displeasing to our King? I think not. I pray that The King of Kings will point out the things in my life that are watered down, or just plain evil, and set me free from the lie of a moderate Christian life. He either is Lord of my life, or He is not. God, give us eyes to see...

There are so many other lessons I learned on this trip, like "it would be better to fly from Greensboro to Canada rather than through the Miami airport ever again", and "man, there are some really strong Christians in Canada (they outnumbered us Americans by a good margin down there!)", and "you can haul just about anything on a motorcycle, even a bundle of 12 feet long rebar"... But, I'm about to make my final decent back home, and those stories will have to wait for another time. Thank you thank you thank you for your prayers and support, and thank you for reading this. I pray that you have been blessed by it in some small way. Praise be to the God of Heaven and Earth, may His Kingdom come.


-Tom

His Mission

My husband recently embarked, with one of his closest friends, on a 7-day medical mission trip to Haiti with Samaritan's Purse. I am so proud of him. Proud that he is just following the lead of the Lord and trusting in Him, step by step. I know I'm biased, but I do love him so :) I am privileged to walk with this man through this life. I praise my God for him.

Anyway, he has been sort of "logging" some journal entries from each day of the trip. And he graciously has allowed me to share them on here, to update loved ones and to share what God is up to in Haiti...
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Day 1: MIA

Well, the trip started out with a bang... Quite literally. Except, the bang happened two days before we left for Haiti at the Miami airport when lightening struck a fuel tank sending huge balls of flame and smoke billowing into the sky. It may seem minor, but that "act of God" created a microcosmic fuel shortage that temporarily created third world conditions at the airport and led to the final leg of our trek being cancelled. So here I am stranded in an over priced Best Western, 20 minutes from the airport, praying that the a.m. flights won't also be cancelled. Did I mention that my bags were getting to spend the night at the Miami airport free of charge. Despite the best attempts of the ticketing agent in Greensboro to heroically save my bags from this fate, they were in fact not rerouted off the plane in Miami, but were instead detained somewhere in the bowels of MIA. The not-so-helpful agent informed me that on a "regular" day they would have been able to pull the bag for me, but due to the current situation that would be quite impossible. That was right after she told us that the airline had no intention of helping us out with lodging, meal, or any other expenses we could incur because they were not "at fault" in this situation. I'm not quite sure about anyone else, but when I pay over 800$ for a plane ticket, I kinda expect them to have some sort of contingency plan for "fuel shortage type situations." I guess I'm expecting too much. It does, however, throw into sharp refrain the plight of the people in Haiti and many other places like it. I pondered that as I sat munching on a number 1 combo, "stranded" at a Chick-fil-a one block from our hotel. It just made me feel a little guilty about whining over the fact that I would likely still be wearing these same clothes this time tomorrow. God is Lord over all, and I know His ways are higher than mine. It will hopefully motivate me more to make every moment count, and not to turn a blind eye to those less fortunate. As I sleep in my nice air-conditioned room tonight, I pray that the other 10,000 "stranded" passengers will draw a little closer to the God of the universe. To Him be all Glory, even in my inconvenience.


Day 2: Arriving in Haiti

Haiti is so different than I imagined. I guess I had to imagine something, but it certainly wasn't based on reality. The reality is as follows (based on the few hours I've been here, so it's definitely subject to change): the airport is chaos just like everyone said it would be. The plane landed right on time. I was still brushing the crumbs from my shirt, remains of the snack served on the plane, when I descended the jet way stairs listening to the five-piece live band playing for tips. The "band" consisted of a banjo and various other percussive instruments that made me feel like I was actually entering the tropical paradise Haiti should be. Customs wasn't nearly as scary as it could have been, and the 200 or so people searching through the piles of luggage ended much better than I dreamed it would... Praise the Lord, forgive me for doubting, and I thank Him for bringing all my luggage here completely intact! Walking out of the airport, there were at least 60 desperate men scrambling to "help" with my luggage. I was comfortably pulling my two bags down the sidewalk, clearly the only possible way to go, as one man insisted he was there to show me the way out. We were waiting for the other SP volunteers for quite some time, and he just stood there looking slightly pitiful at my side until I felt compelled to give him a couple dollars. I'm hopeful he will make better use of it than I could.

The van ride to the SP compound was more like an amusement park ride than anything else. Bikes kept darting across the road from behind piles of rubble. The road was in such bad condition that driving on the right or left side of the road seemed equally acceptable. As long as no large trucks were coming straight towards you. We got here safely... again, praise the Lord. On a superficial note, Haiti is quite arid, and there are very few trees. The beaches are beautiful, but I didn't see anyone out enjoying them. There are goats everywhere... someones future dinner I'm sure. We got to the compound at about 10:45, so the medical teams had already gone out for the day. SP has a huge presence here, and they are doing so much more than just medical things. It's really cool to see. God is surely at work here...


Day 3: Cholera

© Julie Dermansky

Cholera stinks. Well, actually, it didn't seem to have much of a smell. It is an incredibly bad disease, though. I have learned that Haiti never had cholera before the earthquake. Supposedly it came in with the UN relief workers. I think it was Satan. In His usual fashion, God is using it for good. People are coming to know the Lord daily at SP's clinics, and these are a people who desperately need Him. On my first day in the cholera treatment center (ctc), I saw children lose more than a liter of fluid in a single episode of "toilet," as the Haitians say. I also witnessed the Lord bring a few children from utter lethargy to happy playful boys and girls within a few hours. The doctors and nurses would laugh at these mischievous little half-dressed rascals and say "man, that kid needs to go home!". The next minute they would be back at the "toilet", which was actually just a hole cut into the wooden bunk they were laying on with a bucket underneath. ( I guess I should apologize for the graphic nature of this entry, but I'm actually holding quite a bit of detail back.). Samaritan's Purse has done an unbelievable job of hiring, training, and incorporating Haitian nationals at every level of it's operation here. I'll list a few categories of positions the nationals are employed in by SP (for more detail: see Adam Williams' post on fb dated 3/28/11). Here goes: doctors, nurses, translators, security, water treatment, drivers, rubble removal, lumber processing (for the temporary shelters), cooks, housekeepers, chaplains, even water spigot operators (people at the clinic who turned the water spigot so we could wash our hands with bleach water and bar soap). I can't say enough about the full time SP staff either. They are sold out for the Lord. Most of them have committed to a year or more of cold showers (no hot water here). They may not start out as experts at what they are doing, but the Lord quickly changes that. He is so good. His mercies never cease. May His holy name be praised forever. More to come tomorrow. I'm exhausted!


Day 4: Harsh Reality

It has truly been a pleasure to work alongside Haitian nationals and to take care of the humble, friendly Haitian families. It is a bit unsettling to think about their reality. There are interpreters that work in the clinic that really make the place work. They have helped me communicate with patients and nurses, taught me some Creole, answered cultural questions... the list goes on. These guys are extremely intelligent and have basically taught themselves English by reading books and "watching American movies". One of them, Namarre, told me today that he lives in a tent, and rides to work on a tap tap (a Haitian taxi... basically a pick-up truck with way too many people in the back) or on the back of a motorcycle. The motorcycles are more expensive. The other man is "the only person in his family who has a job," so at age 28, he has to support his entire family (parents and siblings). Praise the Lord for these men!


Unicef
Somehow with so little in the world to call there own, the Haitians all have cell phones, and apparently fb pages too! If you see an unused electrical outlet in the clinic (or anywhere for that matter) it will have a cell phone plugged into it. Somehow this place functions...

Praise the Lord that He is on His throne... Even now, even here.

Day 5: Harsher Reality

I was reminded today of a very disturbing story about Haitian history. In the 1800's, at the time of the Haitian slave revolt against the French colonists, the leaders of the revolt got the people together and supposedly they sold their souls to the devil in order to win. Voodoo is still a big part of the culture here. One of the articles I read prior to coming here said that Haiti was 70% Catholic and 90% voodoo. One of the interpreters today told us a story of how a whole town in Haiti has cursed each other to have one large foot. Another story involved a voodoo priest who died and supposedly the TV news ran a story showing pictures of 150 zombies that were at his house. The news told people to come pick up there family members and "rehabilitate" them. Yet another was about how the people commonly believed that the priests could turn people into animals. If you purchase meat in the market and it bubbles when cooked, it probably used to be a human. My good friend Adam posed the question as to whether God "punished" the evil behavior with the earthquake or whether it was more of a "natural consequence". We couldn't come up with a good answer for that; however, I am sure that what Satan meant for evil, God meant for good. He has used this earthquake to open the doors for organizations like SP to come in and share the Gospel, and he has opened the hearts of many Haitians to receive Jesus Christ as Lord of their lives. I commented to one of the chaplains that I couldn't imagine some of the stories of danger and violence to be true of the wonderful Haitian people we work with in the clinic. He said there are "two" Haiti's. Their are 14 major gangs in City Soleil. Murder is common and no one will go out after dark. In fact, none of the families we treat will leave after about 4 pm because they might not be home before dark. SP has hired a few former members of each of the gangs to work as security. They have given their lives to Christ and can open even more doors into the darkness that is "the other Haiti".

So please, dear Lord, let your Light shine into the darkness...

Day 6: Kids really are the same everywhere...

Gary Martyn
I solidified that thought in my mind today as I pulled a button out of a 2 year old Haitian girls nose. It also confirmed Gods sense of humor since I had done the exact same thing the week prior in the USA. Today I was in the "general" clinic in Cite Soleil. I saw quite a few ear infections, a couple pneumonia's, a few stomach viruses, and the rest of what I saw made me think I should go back to medical school. Mumps! I mean... Come on. There were also quite a few kids with moderately high fevers who I would have gently dismissed back at home... Here I put them on malaria medications just in case. There some very practical differences too. At 6 am about 150 people were lined up outside the clinic to be in line for the 8am start. They waited on concrete benches with no air conditioning until their names were called. Since it was only me and a Haitian doctor, the staff decided to limit the line at about 2pm (clinic closed at 3pm). This caused a little scuffle as people tried not to be excluded, but if that had happened at home, I probably would have been assaulted and then sued. One of the other cool observations about 3 year olds in Haiti and the US is the universality of "giving five," it almost always makes them smile. Anyway, these similarities brought to mind that we all share the imprint of our maker... The Alpha and Omega, the Author and Perfecter of our faith. I am reminded that we are citizens of His Kingdom just living in enemy occupied territory, and one day soon He will return to reclaim that which was His from the beginning.

Day 7: Dogs and elections

Every Haitian I have met has been consumed with one topic of conversation...the pending election results. A few weeks ago, there was a run-off between "the woman" and " Sweet Mickey.". The woman is the wife of a former president of Haiti, a lawyer, and a professor. Sweet Mickey is a Haitian compa singer (equivalent to American pop singers) who was known for dressing in a skirt and bra (did I mention he is a man?) and frequently used lyrics laced with profanity. The "woman" represents the entrenched, corrupt government establishment, and as one well educated Haitian woman stated: "if there had been a dog on the ballot, the people would have voted for the dog before this woman.". In their minds, she represents the source of all of Haiti's problems. It seems that the outgoing president is equally opposed to Sweet Mickey. He has vowed that he will not relinquish power to the compa star. The current president hasn't done himself any favors, though... In typical corrupt fashion, he has doubled the price of fuel and food in the weeks prior to the election (perhaps to pad his wallet in anticipation of being ousted). Also, the initial election results didn't even include Sweet Mickey for the run-off... Those results were already declared "tainted" because a significant number of people reported their ballots were "filled out" before they had received them. A non-partial recount put Sweet Mickey back on the ballot. I heard a story today about how all of the local stores were pilfered of machetes (long ominous knife used for hacking at things). The rumor is that the Haitian people will slaughter the establishment government leaders if "the woman" wins. If Sweet Mickey wins, the machetes will be returned, and there will be celebration in the streets. God is sovereign, and there is no leader who can overcome His will. Praise be to Him, may His Kingdom come.

Complainer

"Meaningless, Meaningless...Everything is meaningless!" Ecclesiastes 1:2

Isn't that an optimistic statement with which to start your day? Not! It was what I started my day with today, though. And then it really got me thinking about complaining. "Am I a complainer?" I asked a dear friend. "I don't want to be a complainer," I whined. Oh...I realized quickly that then I was complaining about being a complainer. Ugh!

I think what I've come up with is this. This life brings complaints. It is what we do with them that makes all the difference. Do we take them to every person in our path, or do we lay them one by one before the Lord. Sometimes I think it is good and right to share struggles with trusted ones. I know God has brought me much encouragement through that. I guess we just have to be careful that we're not causing someone else's gaze to be stooped down here, rather than fixed up there.

It also got me thinking...what truly brings meaning?

We are born homesick. We long for an existence, a quality of life or a settledness and satisfaction which we've never directly experienced, but which we know exists, or at least ought to. We live in something like a life-long culture shock. Our response to this fact sets the course of our lives. ~James C. Wilhoit

Being a nurse, a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend...all of these roles have brought some kind of great meaning to my life. But none of them truly satisfy. I'm realizing that though there is blessing to be found in everything, true satisfaction can only come from the Lord. If I am looking to anything else to fill me at a given moment, to make me "feel good," then I am ultimately worshiping an idol. Ouch!

Father God, you are my filling, my meaning. You are my true home. Forgive me for complaining. Help me to walk through this world with open hands...seeing what you have for me here, following your tender lead, but not grasping for anything to truly hold onto except for YOU.

Living Fully

There have been many gifts to count this past month or so. Some I've been privileged to see and some that have probably been left unseen as yet. That is one prayer I've been trying to pray daily...that I would have eyes to see. Eyes to see the Lord's beauty, his gifts, even in the most unlikely of settings. They are always there. He is motivated by love for you and me. Every day. He truly is.

Here is a glimpse of some of the 'multitude' from our life...

319. the littlest feeds himself!
325. just me & the boys
327. the accountability of my 3 year-old
330. a puppet show
334. Costco fruit
336. a constant filling~when it seems I should be empty
338. a beautiful day of spring
342. seeing her bow low before her Father
347. holding a little one close as a fever spikes
350. the way they love their stuffed animals
351. my mom lives just down the street :)
357. a friend who desires to bless
361. forgiveness~again
363. the way He guides His word to enter our lives
370. learning to lay it down
374. little puffs of clouds in the sky
375. fresh brown eggs
379. little chicks

380. baby bunnies

388. seeing an attitude improve with correction, discipline...and cuddling
389. celebrating birthday with Grams

394. the way he says "nose"
398. comfort food
401. knowing He holds the outcome
412. boys singing "Tis so sweet"
413. discussion of muscles at dinner

415. uncontrollable giggles
416. little chubby fingers counting to 10
418. this cutest new little nephew's life :)

421. sissies on the maternity ward

422. holding baby Gav's little bum in my hand

424. peaceful afternoon

429. opportunity to help a friend

430. his lunch ministry came home today

434. a beautiful little girl

436. prayers she'll find a song
439. these little flowers


440. a boy proud of himself as he kicked the ball
442. one who gave his "grapes with stems" to his crying brother
445. Doodle's jumps
446. Nana's reading
447. sharing life with a friend
450. hugs for Daddy