Struggling

The past couple days I've been struggling. And I've been frustrated. Sometimes I just wonder if everything I'm doing is for naught. Do you have days like that? I have been following Christ for most of my life. But still I have days where I ask the Lord, "Do I just not get it? Why is it not clicking from my head to my heart? Where's the fruit? What's the deal?!" I want to live an honorable life. I want to please the Lord. I want to lead my boys to the Lord. Yet I fail time and time again. I lose patience with my kids. I miscommunicate with a friend or family member. I lose patience again. I yell (did i say that?). Ugh! I just want to see fruit. I want to put off the old and put on the new, for good! I want to be filled continually with God's Spirit, so much so that it just flows over onto every situation and every person I encounter....that Jesus water.

But I think it's in these moments that I realize God is ever so patiently here guiding me, teaching me in every moment, and LOVEing me. Last night our youngest son crawled into the laundry room and was playing in the dog water yet again. Splashing and carrying on, all while I was changing a dirty diaper on our middle son, and could not get up to remedy the situation. When I went to finally get him, he was wet from head to toe and continued to grab at the bowls as I scooped him up and abruptly set him down in the other room after washing his hands so that I could put away the dirty diaper and wash mine. Then he cried, well, screamed actually. He was very offended. I hurt his feelings. I felt bad, but I admit that I was just frustrated, so part of me thought, "Fine. Maybe then he'll learn not to go in there anymore." (He's only 9 months old, probably not going to happen yet!) After I finished, I sat down on the floor just frustrated by the day and put my head in my hands. Then my little one proceeded to crawl over to me, after he stopped crying, put his hands on my back and laid his head down on me, as if to say, "it's ok mommy. i forgive you. i love you." I melted as I felt the grace and love he was extending me, and ultimately felt God was speaking to me through his little soul.

The thing is, God knows we have frustrating days. He knows. He sees every detail. In the past 24 hours since that encounter, there have been more frustrating moments, moments where I fail miserably, but there have also been many moments of encouragement. Messages it seems that God is sending directly to me, through words I read or hear, saying "it's ok. i'm here. i forgive you (every time). i love you with an unfailing love." He is faithful. He is gracious. He is good.

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:23