Milestones

Jack lost his first tooth...

Luke learned to jump off a diving board...

David is potty trained...

And Joshua can stand up and cruise around!

It's been a busy couple months! Praise the Lord for growing boys :)

What lurks behind

Why do we ignore our true selves sometimes? Why do we hide behind the superficial? Why is it so hard to truly recieve that everyday grace that Christ rose from the grave to give us? Life Abundant. I have been praying for revelation. And I think He has shown me that it is fear that lurks behind. Not necessarily the life-threatening fear, but little fears that creep in slow and alter my behavior in such a sneaky way that I don't even realize what's going on. 


Fear of messing up these little lives 
Fear of not being the wife he signed up for
Fear of what "they" think of me
Fear of not fitting in
Fear of that other person making a poor choice because of something I fail to do
Fear of that circumstance if it doesn't work out "just so"
Fear of change
Fear of unknowns
Fear of them not seeing God because of me...


Here's an example of a recent time when I realized that fear was lurking. I was about to put the boys down for nap/rest times. One said he was still hungry and asked for something to eat. Then he found a cookie and wanted that. I said no [secretly deep down i have a fear that he might tend toward eating as a stronghold, and that one day he'll struggle with his weight or health because of it]. Then another child asks if he can have a quiet time instead of nap. I say no [i fear what he will be like at 6:00 when we're having friends for dinner if he does not sleep now]. Another child gets up soon after laying down and opens his door & goes potty as loudly as he can. I get angry with him [i fear the baby will wake up]. The baby wakes up after only an hour and I am extremely frustrated [i fear that he is not getting the rest he needs to be healthy...and he will also be a mess at 6:00].


Now these are all sort of silly examples from mommyhood, and I don't live there all the time. But if I truly think about it and become aware of what lurks underneath, I realize that things I do and say can be impacted greatly by these hidden fears. And this is not where freedom lies.

                                       * see photo note                                                   

I've recently been reading Emily Freeman's Grace for the Good Girl. Wow do I relate to her powerful message. More than I realized I would. I guess I've always tried to be that "good girl." In the book, Freeman says, "God's desire is that we live in freedom and drink from the wide, deep, powerful river of Life. The masks we hide behind keep us from experiencing the fullness of life the way we were meant to live it."


I want to live that freedom, experience that fullness. Lay it all down. All the masks. All the fears. Only His perfect Love can cast out fear. If I could truly let go with no strings [to the fear] and then hold on with reckless abandon [to the Hope...the Grace...to Jesus]. It is not just about what He died for, but also why He rose from the grave triumphant, victorious, full of Life. Ready to give life to those who believe. Not physical life, but spirit life. The kind that really matters.

"Jesus came to save me from myself...from my self-effort. He didn't just die for my sin to give me forgiveness; he rose again to give me life." ~Emily Freeman

I am realizing I cannot teach my children to recieve grace until I learn to do it myself. Until I lay down these earthly fears and worries that lurk behind and trust fully, daily in the One who can free me from them.  There is true rest in that faith. Receiving His grace for my failures. Letting his peace rule. Living in His righteousness and love. Not trying to create it with my own two hands.

*photo of a beautiful work of art given to me & originally made by the hands of a very dear friend, Lara Williams

VBS truths

We love Vacation Bible School! This past week we had the privilege of helping and participating in VBS at our church. It was truly a blessed time. I can't tell you how 'filled full' I felt as we would drive home in the car and the boys were belting out the songs, going crazy doing the motions in the back and in between songs eagerly telling each other what they did that day in their "tribes." The theme was a visit back to Babylon as we learned about Daniel's life in captivity, and how he truly did live out a life of faith despite some very difficult circumstances. 


Some of the truths we will hide in our hearts are:


 ~God is in control...Daniel had some major things change in his life and could have been very depressed about that, but he chose to stand firm on the Rock that never rolls, our Awesome God.
~He's only a prayer away...Maybe one of the lesser known stories about Daniel is that he was called on to interpret the King's dreams more than once, and he was told that if he couldn't tell him his dream and interpret it, he'd be cut into pieces. Great. So, that seems nearly impossible. But Daniel did what he knew to do, he called on God for help, and God absolutely revealed those hidden things of the King's dreams. Amazing! So then why is it so hard for me sometimes to believe He is helping me when I call on Him in my everyday?
~When we're afraid, He is with us...A few of Daniel's friends got thrown in a fire when they wouldn't bow down to a statue. But guess what? They didn't get burned at all. Not even a hair on their head was singed. God can do that with any of the fiery trials & fears that we face. We can come through them without even smelling like smoke.
~We're never actually alone...Daniel must have felt pretty alone a lot in his life, always choosing to remain faithful to the Lord, despite the opposition and temptation to "fit in" with the mainstream (or even just to do something out of fear of losing his life!). It does seem lonely in this world sometimes when we choose to live our lives for God. We are actually aliens--the Bible confirms that (1 Peter 2:11)! But our Lord will never forsake or abandon us. 
~Being thankful invites God's presence & blessing..."I'm sure Daniel was pretty thankful when he didn't get eaten by the lions." (said by Luke on the last night of VBS) The Bible says that Daniel "prospered" after every time he chose to trust God when he could have run the other way or just cowered into a heap on the floor out of discouragement. Choosing to trust, to abide, to watch and wait and expect His work in our lives is truly a place of rest, of thanksgiving, of Joy. 


We were thankful to be a part of such an amazing week. God is faithful! Now onto potty training this week...;)

Lyrics to live by

This is sort of random, but we have been listening to this song a lot this summer, and the words really speak to me. I don't want to forget them...

Audience of One
by: Michael Weaver (Big Daddy Weave)

I come on my knees to lay down before You
Bringing all that I am, longing only to know You
Seeking Your face and not only Your hand
I find You embracing me, just as I am
And I lift these songs To You and You alone
As I sing to You In my praises make Your home

To my audience of one
You are Father and You are Son
As your spirit flows free Let it find within me
A heart that beats to praise You

And now just to know You more
Has become my great reward
To see Your kingdom come
And Your will be done
I only desire to be Yours, Lord

So what could I bring to honor Your Majesty?
What song could I sing?
That would move the heart of royalty
And all that I have is the life that You've given me
So Lord, let me live for You, my song with humility

And Lord, as the love song Of my life is played
I have one desire
To bring glory to Your name

To my audience of one
You are Father and You are Son
As your spirit flows free
Let it find within me
A heart that beats to praise You

And now just to know You more
Has become my great reward
To see Your kingdom come
And Your will be done
I only desire to be Yours, Lord

When you just don't feel it

What to do on days when you just don't feel it? I asked myself this question this past Sunday. I really had no reason not to be happy. So much to be thankful for. So much God has done for me. Yet, I was sort of grumpy. I let everything possible weigh heavy on me. I did not feel spiritual, I was sceptical. I did not feel like I understood what God was doing, I was stubborn.

I have a child who tends to do this also. Some days he just makes this face all day long (except not staged, but for real!).

That's a nice face, huh?! But the thing is, how many of us walk around with our secret pain and don't wear it like this. Walk around with our grumpy but still respond with "fine" when asked how we are. It is probably more common than we realize.

I was pondering what my sin is on the days when I just don't feel the fullness of God all over me. I easily thought of the outward sins, like snapping at the kids or taking it out on my husband, but those are just symptoms of the underlying problem. The problem is deeper, residing in the heart. What's the root, I wondered. As we sang, "Thank you for loving me, thank you for finding me, thank you for hearing me..." in church that morning, I think I realized that unbelief is the root, with selfishness that sprouts up rapidly from it. And I had a choice to make.

I could choose to literally force myself to stand on the solid rock of Christ that moment, whether I felt it or not. I could choose to believe all that Christ has done for me, that I know I have accepted as truth. He is the way, He is the truth, HE IS THE LIFE. I could walk forward on that truth, and trust what He says to be true. He can do all things. He shines light into darkness. He truly does hear every cry of my soul. Every secret thought. Every secret ache of things gone wrong in this world. He is bigger. And He is absolutely in control.

I could choose to believe that, and lay my 'grumpy' in His hands, trusting that my feelings would eventually follow. Or I could choose to disbelieve, to groan, to wallow, and to continue on with the emphasis on "me, me, me." I think some people think that if you're a true Christian then you must never struggle with these things. That you feel the Spirit all over you all the time, and certainly on Sunday morning during worship. You shouldn't ever doubt or feel like you have to literally will yourself to have faith. I know I used to think that. But that's just not reality. Some days we do have to make ourselves believe. It is a choice.

Maybe faith like a child doesn't have to look happy all the time. It just has to be real. Honest. Trusting. Yielding. Taking it all to our Father. Letting go.

Jesus never sinned, but he did feel. He felt compassion, sorrow, anger, pain. He even felt like he didn't want the cup he'd been given... He had emotions, just like we do, yet He always chose to believe God. He always chose life over destruction. To stand on the Rock.

I am thankful God hears me. Thankful he sees my soul on the secret grumpy days, and He sees me on the days that I feel His fullness evident from the very start. I think maybe he rejoices when I choose to believe Him either way. I know that His grace pours down and covers me, regardless. What amazing grace.

Maybe when we choose life, and to have faith like a child, we can also get over things a little quicker, lighten up a little more easily, and walk on...with that smile on our face.

"This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live..."

~Deuteronomy 30:19

Letting go, being brave and grace for the little ones

Last week this oldest boy turned 6 years old!!! He is truly a gracious gift from God. He had a great birthday surrounded by family and friends, and ending it watching fireworks out a dark window of the bedroom, with us looking on. We reminisced how 6 years ago we stared out another dark window--of a hospital room--holding his tiny little body in our arms, not having any idea how our lives were about to be changed forever.

We are proud of Jack for many reasons, but recently he's had a couple of moments that have stood out. He's processing things differently these days, and learning to let go a little.

He has always been our little 'collector.' His bed is always full of little trinkets, cards, papers, animals, tags, etc. When we take his sheets off there is usually at least one or two items that take a little swim in the washing machine unintentionally. In his years of collecting, he has sometimes had an especially hard time letting go of things. Even if it seems like trash to us, it is usually a treasure to him. On one particular day a couple weeks ago his treasure of the moment was a tiny angry bird pencil-topper. He had carried it with him everywhere for at least 48 hours. Until he let it leave his sight for a moment...and the dog decided to move in and eat it. No joke. She doesn't chew on many of the kids' toys, but if she wants to she can really destroy something in no time flat (you could never tell by this sweet face, right?!).

I heard crying in the backyard, looked out and he was mumbling something about his angry bird and "Lily ate it." I braced myself for the coming wrath that would probably ensue. Like I said, he usually doesn't let things go easily, and he probably would very shortly be demanding we get him another one and right now, and then cry for the rest of the morning when I said no... But he didn't! He had that little cry, then we talked about how disappointing it is when we lose something, and he moved on. Oh my goodness! He moved on! It might not seem like a big deal, but for this little boy, it was monumental. He is learning not to cling to 'stuff' in this world. And so am I...still! I pray that we would store up our treasures not on this earth, but in Heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy (Matthew 6:19-21).

Luke recently had a brave big boy moment of riding on a horse! It was really cool because I could almost see the turmoil within as he decided whether or not to ride. The horse was big. And I could tell he was scared, though I don't think someone who doesn't know him would have noticed. All by himself, though, he resolved to get up there and just do it. I don't think he particularly loves horses. In fact, as much as I would love it if they did, I don't think any of our boys have taken to a true love (or slight obsession) for animals just yet. So it was amazing. He just got up there and rode away from me, and didn't even look back. And he was of course VERY excited to tell Daddy all about it when he got home ;)

This little 2 year old boy sometimes seems like he is about 16. He can talk back like a teenager, like when he is told to stop doing something and he promptly replies with, "Mommy, you stop doing that!" But he loves fiercely too. He is passionate and strong. He is hilarious. And though he doesn't really have a desire to do what is right (yet), hearing what he says after being disciplined for the umpteenth time for getting out of bed (instead of sleeping) at naptime is precious. He prays to God, "Thank you, God, for David. Help me to do what is right and listen to mommy and stay in my bed. Amen." I hope I never forget his little mousy toddler voice saying those words, straight from his heart. And I know that one day he will realize that God honors that prayer and will give him the strength he needs to do what is right.

Joshua is 9 months old! He is growing wilder by the minute. He can crawl super fast now, and is starting to get into anything and everything that comes across his path. I've found him in the dog water, playing with the plunger (ewww!), and he's even made a journey down from the top of the staircase (thanks be to God that he was completely fine after that adventure). So, we have another explorer on our hands. And he's not going to miss a thing;)

Here are a few more pictures from recent days. Trying to count the blessings amidst moments of crazy chaos in this house, as we are experiencing grace upon Grace. And trying to practice the presence of our Almighty Creator in our everyday 'stuff.'

 

 

 

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Putting the Armor on

In this house, there are many battle scenes going on at any given time. Sometimes (on good days) it is 3 brothers fighting as a team against their imaginary enemy; sometimes it's one of those brothers against another (on a not so good day). And still other times it's this weary mama, trying to fight those spiritual battles of my flesh that try to creep in and destroy my day.

I have been giving much thought to this putting on armor thing, especially now that my husband decided to make the boys some all-out swords and shields (from duct tape, no less!), and it seems they are constantly running around in a battle. Their focus has been mainly on getting the bad guy. Sometimes, they are even talking to each other about "fighting Satan." Thankfully they don't fully understand what that means yet (do any of us?) but it is real to their little minds, and they always have him beat.

I, on the other hand, often feel like I am in a losing battle in this world. I'm tired of living in defeat. I spend many moments lingering over failures and feeling shame or guilt over one mess-up or another. I spend many moments trying to be better, or if I am really honest, am I trying to earn grace? Maybe I just need to stop trying. I was recently confronted with the concept of "imputed righteousness." I say confronted, because I believe I sort of knew what the concept meant, it was packed away somewhere deep inside when I first came to know the Lord, but I needed it to hit me smack in the face once again, so that maybe I could really get it this time.

Imputed righteousness is the righteousness of Christ that is completely placed on us through faith. That is, we can do nothing to earn it or to make ourselves "more righteous" than we already are. We can do NOTHING! Not even fight those battles. They are not ours to fight. God looks at a child who has declared him Lord and sees only righteousness, not every sin laid bare, not every failure or mistake. He sees the blood of Jesus, clothing us with a robe of righteousness.

"I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness." ~Isaiah 61:10

I am trying to change my view of how I wear this armor. Starting my day with the battle in mind, but coming before the Lord with a surrendered heart first. Fixing my eyes not on the enemy, but on the One who is my hope in victory, over anything that threatens. Literally, I'm trying to picture in my mind that robe of pure white that adorns me, as His mercies fall new with the start of each day. That I am lifting up myself, and He is the one adorning me with his armor, preparing me for the day's battles, and fighting them for me as I keep my eyes fixed on Him. When my eyes tarry--and they certainly will, as I am prone to wander--I can simply call on His strength to turn them back, to lift my shield of faith for me, to give me the sword of the spirit, which is the Word. David never defeated Goliath on his own, with the Lord as his back-up. No, those stones flew in the name of the Lord God Almighty. They were His stones. And that is why Goliath was defeated.

I pray for our boys that they may have a right view of who they are in Christ. Somehow may we impart on them how He sees them, how He is for them. And may they yield their weapons to Him, that they may never try to fight their battles on their own.

"This is what the Lord says to you: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s." ~2 Chronicles 20:15