What lurks behind

Why do we ignore our true selves sometimes? Why do we hide behind the superficial? Why is it so hard to truly recieve that everyday grace that Christ rose from the grave to give us? Life Abundant. I have been praying for revelation. And I think He has shown me that it is fear that lurks behind. Not necessarily the life-threatening fear, but little fears that creep in slow and alter my behavior in such a sneaky way that I don't even realize what's going on. 


Fear of messing up these little lives 
Fear of not being the wife he signed up for
Fear of what "they" think of me
Fear of not fitting in
Fear of that other person making a poor choice because of something I fail to do
Fear of that circumstance if it doesn't work out "just so"
Fear of change
Fear of unknowns
Fear of them not seeing God because of me...


Here's an example of a recent time when I realized that fear was lurking. I was about to put the boys down for nap/rest times. One said he was still hungry and asked for something to eat. Then he found a cookie and wanted that. I said no [secretly deep down i have a fear that he might tend toward eating as a stronghold, and that one day he'll struggle with his weight or health because of it]. Then another child asks if he can have a quiet time instead of nap. I say no [i fear what he will be like at 6:00 when we're having friends for dinner if he does not sleep now]. Another child gets up soon after laying down and opens his door & goes potty as loudly as he can. I get angry with him [i fear the baby will wake up]. The baby wakes up after only an hour and I am extremely frustrated [i fear that he is not getting the rest he needs to be healthy...and he will also be a mess at 6:00].


Now these are all sort of silly examples from mommyhood, and I don't live there all the time. But if I truly think about it and become aware of what lurks underneath, I realize that things I do and say can be impacted greatly by these hidden fears. And this is not where freedom lies.

                                       * see photo note                                                   

I've recently been reading Emily Freeman's Grace for the Good Girl. Wow do I relate to her powerful message. More than I realized I would. I guess I've always tried to be that "good girl." In the book, Freeman says, "God's desire is that we live in freedom and drink from the wide, deep, powerful river of Life. The masks we hide behind keep us from experiencing the fullness of life the way we were meant to live it."


I want to live that freedom, experience that fullness. Lay it all down. All the masks. All the fears. Only His perfect Love can cast out fear. If I could truly let go with no strings [to the fear] and then hold on with reckless abandon [to the Hope...the Grace...to Jesus]. It is not just about what He died for, but also why He rose from the grave triumphant, victorious, full of Life. Ready to give life to those who believe. Not physical life, but spirit life. The kind that really matters.

"Jesus came to save me from myself...from my self-effort. He didn't just die for my sin to give me forgiveness; he rose again to give me life." ~Emily Freeman

I am realizing I cannot teach my children to recieve grace until I learn to do it myself. Until I lay down these earthly fears and worries that lurk behind and trust fully, daily in the One who can free me from them.  There is true rest in that faith. Receiving His grace for my failures. Letting his peace rule. Living in His righteousness and love. Not trying to create it with my own two hands.

*photo of a beautiful work of art given to me & originally made by the hands of a very dear friend, Lara Williams