Echoes

I am learning a lot these days. I am learning that learning is really important. And I will never be done with it. God has our family on this journey together of learning. It is sometimes painful, sometimes easy (ok, maybe very rarely easy). Sometimes I see and understand things clearly, sometimes not at all. But I can say it always is beautiful. A tapestry He is weaving throughout our days.

This process of refinement is amazing and horrible and wonderful all at the same time. I can pretend that I don't need it. I can pretend it's all about another person needing to change, or if only "they" would learn and see the truth. But really it is about me. I am being sanctified. I'm learning that the Lord will use whatever means necessary to produce Christ in me. I am learning that I want this, really more than anything else. I want to be alive to Him, I want His purposes to drive me and His thoughts to fill me.

Parenting and homeschooling are really a perfect storm. We have a community of little people and big people who are broken, abiding together day in and day out in this home. There's no quick escape (though I may search for one sometimes). There are a lot of ideas of how things should be done. There are a lot of people trying to grasp for control. There is a lot of mess, a lot of disappointments, and a lot of noise. But the point is we abide. We stay together. Giving up is not an option. I'm learning to create an environment that invites these little ones in, that cultivates abiding, that draws out the echo of Christ in each soul.

Scripture tells us God has made us all in his image. We are image-bearers, whether we choose to seek Him or not. His echo, His reflection, His light is all over creation. Yet there is also darkness, sin, and death. I would much rather choose to see the light than the darkness. Yet my tendency to go to the darkness overwhelms me sometimes. I complain and whine about my circumstance. Thoughts swirl around inside my mind that are not always true and right and noble. My actions do not always echo His image.

Lord, fix my thinking. Give order to my thinking. Give life to my thinking. Help me to seek you and wait on your light when it seems like all I see is darkness around me. Remove the veil and teach me what your light looks like. Teach me what is truly good and beautiful. Help me hear the echoes of you in this world. I don't have to rush. I don't have to worry. I just have to trust you. I have to abide. Help me, Lord.

I can be pressed every day with frustrations and fears and discouraging, depressing things. But I want to hear the echoes of the Lord, to see reflections of Him all around, to see His image stamped on the one next to me, even when they seem strange or annoying or just plain hard to love. When it comes down to it, we all make choices every day. Will I choose to just survive this life, get by, and seek the temporal satisfaction and comfort that I often crave? Or will I do the hard thing; will I deny myself and choose life, even if that means dying to something else first.

"Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." (Matthew 6:33) I am a slow learner. But I want to walk in the light and listen to His echoes.

Sacrifice

The 6th baby has come. Such joy. Such blessing. Another miracle from God. She is beautiful. And who knew we would ever have TWO little girls? All these wild boys (whom we love)...and all the prayers that maybe they would one day also have a sister. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. I know this truth well. I learned it the hard way. Thinking I knew what I needed, or what I could handle. He knew I needed these boys, and now these girls. He knew we needed to raise up these warriors for Him.

And now these days are so full. I am utterly spent at the end of each one. Exhausted, overwhelmed at the tasks that ever lay before me. Many people ask how I do it. I answer honestly, "I don't know." I go through each day. One thing at a time. Only by His grace. He chose me for these 7 people. And I have to choose sacrifice. I do not do this well. Those who lose their life for his sake will gain it, Jesus said. I battle it every day. Denying myself...following Him...wiping up another spill, listening to another heart, breaking up another fight, reading another book.

I came across this quote recently and was immediately convicted, "Will I joyfully pour out my life as a fragrant offering before the Lord for the benefit of my children?" Joyfully. Pour out my life. Pouring out--that is what this is. I love it and want to run away from it, sometimes at the same exact time.

I am thankful for this life. These blessings. These people that I can love and serve and fail and seek forgiveness with each and every day. My family.

Lord, may I deny myself and pour out my life joyfully each and every day for you, for them. As I pour out, I trust you to fill me full of true and abundant life. And when I don't want to pour out, I trust you to have mercy. Thank you, Jesus.

 

 

A new perspective

Mother's Day is a funny thing. It's similar to Valentine's Day and my birthday in that it seems to come with some expectations that I should be treated differently...I should be special on that day. If I'm really honest, it comes with an expectation that the day should be all about me. I should not have to lift a finger. I should be served all the day through. My husband has never really bought into this. He is not perfect of course, but he wants me to feel special and loved every day, and not just on those few days of the year. I have begun to really appreciate this concept now, but it did not sit well with me in the first years of our marriage. And that led to our first Mother's Day, 9 years ago...

That "first" Mother's Day, I was pregnant with our first son. I of course expected that my husband would be totally in tune to celebrating this Mother's Day as if I were the queen, with this baby who had taken over my body and begun to consume every part of what I did and what I thought about. But my husband was not as in tune. The details are a bit fuzzy, and thankfully we joke about it now, but basically what I remember is being sorely disappointed when I woke up and realized that Mother's Day was not on his radar that year at all. And then he was frustrated and upset that he "messed up," according to my standards. So he ran outside our house real quick and picked a lovely bouquet of weeds--I mean, wildflowers--from the abandoned land nearby. He brought in the bouquet, and I think even whipped up a homemade card real quick somehow, and gave them to me as a beautiful expression that he did honor me as a mother, and wanted me to feel special that day. But there I was, still dissapointed, because my idea of my first Mother's Day was not what I had hoped it would be.

So, fast forward 9 Mother's Days. There have been some wonderful memories, and my husband and kids always express their love in sweet ways. But there have also been some dissappointments, if I'm honest, because I've had expectations that really could never be met. Many times they were just scenarios played out in my mind and not even voiced.

My point is, this year I have gained a new perspective. This day is NOT really about me! Mother's Day is a wonderful day to honor and glorify God because he has given me the gift of being a mother. Because He knit these babies together in my womb. Because He purposed them for me and me for them. Because He continues to show me wonderful things about himself as I get the privilege of raising them and being with them day in and day out, even if that is sometimes really hard and exhausting. The Bible never says anything about Mother's Day or any other special holiday that is about anyone except God. The Bible does say, "Do nothing out of selfish conceit or gain," and "Honor others above yourself." I don't think that means we shouldn't get gifts and feel honored as moms on Mother's Day. Those things are great. I just think that the expectations might be where we go wrong. Putting my own self on a pedestal is where I go wrong!

So this year, I am praying that I can remember this new perspective and approach Mother's Day with a humble heart. I want to thank God for the gift of being a mom. I want to thank him for giving me wonderful mothers and grandmothers. I want to turn the focus off of me and onto resting in His provision, appreciating His good gifts. And then any honoring and showering with extra love that may occur can just be icing on the cake ;)

Thankful for these 5 (and baby 6) wild, messy, beautiful blessings who call me "mommy" every day.

 

 

His grace is sufficient

I had one of the worst mornings I've had in a while today. Ended up a broken mess on the floor. Overwhelmed, feeling unloved, disrespected, like nothing is working. Wanting to quit. And none of my boys even noticed.

Yet my God met me there. It was actually an awesome moment (though it didn't feel like it at the time). I just cried out to the Lord. Desperate. And honest. I felt His presence meet me there. Like a gentle touch, telling me it would be okay. He picked me up and helped me go on. He showed me that "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26).

I felt like He also nudged me in the direction of my sons. Yes, it would have been nice if they all ran after their mama, so in tune with my emotions, asking what was wrong, apologizing for whatever they did wrong, offering to ease my burdens... But they are little boys. They don't know how to do that. They saw me hurting, I am pretty sure of that, but they did not know how to handle it. So they did what little boys do. They made jokes and played and took the opportunity to go outside.

These little people are hard to love sometimes. It's hard to give to them constantly, even to have it feel like they are walking all over me a lot of the time. It is hard to be reminded so often that the selfishness I see in them, is also very evident in me. I am thankful, though, for the reminder. I am thankful that I don't have it easy. (Did I just say that?) If I had compliant, non-wild children 100% of the time I would not be learning these hard things. They are hard to love, but it is worth it to get up again and again and continue to press on in loving & serving them, as God has called me to.

His grace is truly sufficient. He died to take on my sin and my selfishness, to nail it to the cross forever, so I could walk in freedom. So I can get up when I feel beat down. So I can have hope when it seems like circumstances are impossible.

I know the "impossible" is different for everyone, but with Jesus all things are possible. Truly. I see that worked out in my life every day. In the daily moments. There is no way I could do this without Him. There is victory in Christ.

(And, just for the record, the day has gotten much better after my little mommy breakdown...and my children are a joy and a blessing to be with:)

God creates life

So we have some news in our household. An interesting development that we found out about in December, but that has definitely changed how 2015 will unfold. We are expecting baby #6! It's been nice to sort of keep this news to ourselves a bit longer than we usually do, but it's becoming a little obvious now as I approach 12 weeks along.
We have a busy life. Lots of little ones here, lots of chaos. But God saw fit to bring another life into our home right now. His ways are not our ways! We are excited to find out who this little one is and all that he or she will add to our family. The kids are so excited to welcome another baby. Well, Hannah's not too sure what to be excited about, but she sure does love babies:)

We know we'll probably hear some comments..."Oh wow, 6? Thought for sure you'd stop when you got your girl." or, "Are they all yours? Are you trying to be like the Duggars?" or a personal favorite, "Do you know how these things happen?!" I'm sure there will be some that we've not even heard before. That will be interesting! The thing is, God creates life. He absolutely created each one of these boisterous blessings under our roof, and he is creating this one now in my womb. It is an absolute miracle. That doesn't mean life with a big family is easy. It's hard...and messy. But God is absolutely growing our faith and trust along the way--that HE is our provider, and HE is our sustainer. We know we have to trust him to give him the strength and wisdom we need to raise each one of these unique children. His grace is sufficient.

Our desire is simply to be faithful in raising these little people for His glory. Our absolute greatest desire is that they'd each give their lives to--and be little boy and girl warriors for--HIM. That they would stand for truth and against evil, and follow hard after Jesus all of their days.

So it will be another busy year. If you're reading this and you think of it, prayers are always appreciated! I've been feeling pretty yucky with the nausea, and some days survival mode is about all that's happening around here. But God is faithful. I know He will equip us for these 6 just as he has and is for these 5. He's refining us all in this glorious chaos:)

"For we have all received from his fullness one gracious gift after another."

~John 1:16

A word for 2015

I asked the Lord to give me a word--literally, just one word--for this year. Last year I did that too, and he impressed upon me a few words, "I press on" (from Phillipians 3:12). That was very relevant and helpful for me in many ways last year. So I believe He faithfully showed me through Scripture yesterday that my word for this year is peace.

Peace.

Peace is sometimes hard to find in my world, as you may imagine. Boys are jumping and bouncing and making messes all around me at any given moment. Tasks that have yet to be completed are constantly swirling over me. Demands of time and energy and effort call my name. But I believe that God is telling me to rest in His peace this year. Despite all the chaos, all the demands, all the seemingly impossible things in my life...peace. One of the last things Jesus said to his disciples was "Peace I leave with you..." (John 16:33). It is ours. It is mine. Jesus said it. I just have to believe it, and then recieve it. Claim it. Let peace rule in my heart (Col. 3:15).

So that's what I'm going to be focusing on this year. You have permission to remind me if you're reading this. I know I will tend to forget;)

No matter what craziness comes my way in 2015, I want to remember that the Lord is faithful, and he is my God of peace.

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:7

 

What I'm learning

There is never a shortage of learning going on in this home. And I don't mean primarily academic! I had written on here about the month-long journey of specific Scripture praying I was doing for my boys in October. Well there was no earth shattering change in their behavior as a result of that, necessarily. But it was profound in my soul and I think it is beginning to affect our home. The constant reminder to let go, to trust Him with every part of them, to quit seeing myself as responsible for their heart or behavior change. When days are hard, it is easy to say "it's just a phase" or "tomorrow is a new day," but when I see my boys struggling with sin, I want to call it what it is and then let it bring me to my knees. God tells us he hears from on high. He hears every prayer, and I believe those specific prayers over my kids matter. They're making a difference in ways I do not understand or sometimes even see with my own eyes.

Our life is really messy. We are a big family. We have a lot of boys. And most of the time they are super wild and loud and primarily motivated by fun (getting a picture like the one above is very rare!). We're trying to teach them self-control, but ultimately we cannot make them be calm or care about others. I guess that is why Paul calls them fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5. Fruit can't make itself happen. An orange does not think really hard about trying to be a tasty orange. Just like that, I don't think we can try hard enough to be gentle and kind and loving and patient, without Jesus. I am going to fail every time. The Holy Spirit works in people in a powerful way, and behavior change is the result. It may be very slow, slooow behavior change, but He changes people. I have to believe that. At times I have to make myself believe it, because I can tend to be a grumbling Israelite in the process. "God, what am I doing wrong?" My thoughts say, "I do not see heart change...in these kids, and admittedly, in me sometimes. I must need to do something different." But God tells me to wait, to trust him, to seek Him, to continue being faithful. He is working. The process of sanctification is long and really hard. Sometimes I think maybe it would be easier to just not care. Just be like the world, please myself at all costs, seek that which I 'deserve.' But God is working. Sacrifice is worship, and it is worth it. I believe it has eternal significance.

So while we wait for all things to be made new, I am here, with a house full of young wild sinners whom I love desperately and fail miserably in some way every single day. And I want to rejoice no matter how hard the days can be. God is good to us. He is faithful. He is gracious. I want to remember the many blessings He gives. I want to remember the heart change He does. So I'll keep learning...

 

 

Praise and Prayer

Praising God for the blessing of 3 beautiful children who each turn one year older in this 2 ish week span of Fall time.

 

David is a sweet, hilarious, energetic 5 year old, who has been going through a "jammy phase" for almost 2 years now. We praise God for his unique spirit, and his desire to protect and defend those he loves. This boy is definitely in the Lord's army. And, randomly, he loves mustaches!

Joshua is almost 3, and he loves to run around with his "brudders" and play as hard as he possibly can during all waking hours of the day (and sometimes partially into the night). He also has an interest and love for all animals, and is often on a toad hunt in the backyard. He keeps us on our toes for sure, but he has a beautiful heart. Praise God, he has finally gotten the hang of potty training after a month of strong-willed battles!

Hannah Grace, our big 1 year old girl. So hard to believe. It seems like yesterday she was born. She is still so happy & content almost all of the time. She loves her brothers, is very observant and tender-hearted, and gives her snuggles out freely. She learned to walk about 3 days before her birthday, and is now toddling around everywhere. Praising God for her sweet (and somewhat calm--at least for now) spirit in our family:)

Children are a blessing, a heritage from the Lord. I truly believe that. With all these blessings, though, also comes lots and lots of hard work. I am often weary. I was telling a friend recently that I feel like I come to the absolute end of myself so often these days with my kids. I don't know how to make them listen or obey, or even care. Actually, I know that I can't! I've come to realize that my only option is prayer. I know it is the best option, but sometimes I do still wish there were some parenting book out there that had all the answers spelled out in a ten step formula. I would follow it to a T! I have looked, but unfortunately it does not exist. I am thankful, though. A fool-proof formula would be too easy, and then my kids would be robots and I would have no need to stay connected to my Savior.

At the end of the day (or beginning) I think the Lord is teaching me it is about where my heart is. Am I following my own selfish desires, inconvenienced by constant needs to correct or teach a child because of sin? I frequently am, if I am honest. But God, I want to change that. I am desperate for HIM to teach me how to parent these children. For HIM to show me what it means to truly be humble in front of my children, and to show mercy as I have been shown mercy.

This month I am joining again a 21 day challenge to pray God's word specifically over my sons (themobsociety.com). It is a powerful thing. Lord willing, I will share what I've learned from that sometime down the road. For now I am just so thankful that, despite my wayward, fickle self, God remains as faithful as the sunrise. Day after day. His mercy will not end.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him.” ~Lamentations 3:22-24

 

Dear Jack

My dear oldest child. I have been burdened for you lately. I have been at odds with you at times lately. You are starting to go through some growing pains. You are so thoughtful, always pondering things around you. You tend to internalize those thoughts, and at times I feel like I'd pay a million dollars to find out what that brain is up to.

I long for you to know you are loved. To know that you can be secure, and rest in God's undying love for you. I want you to stand strong, to be courageous, to not miss out on the abundant life Jesus died to give you. I have done that at times, because of fear or insecurity, and I know now that there is so much more joy and feeedom when I choose to trust Him with everything, and seek to walk in His ways rather than going my own way.

You are still so young. You love to play, to run and jump and be crazy, to hold onto your stuffed animals at night as you fall asleep. I pray you don't lose that innocent spirit as you grow and see more of the darkness that exists in this world. Let your light shine! Have hope for things eternal, do not cling to what will fade, which is everything under the sun. Serve God, love people, be a good steward of the gifts God gives.

You say one of your biggest fears is being in front of people. Mine too. I feel much more comfortable in the background, and I'm a home-body just like you:) But God will give you the strength to overcome those fears, to step out into what He is calling you to do. Don't let the moments when you do succeed boost your pride. In humility, give Him all the glory. I have no doubt He will do amazing things through you.

There is so much in the world that will try for your attention. So many things that may seem good can actually turn out to be a big waste of time. You and I, we fall prey to those things easily. Keep your eyes on Him always. Fight the distractions! Be a respector of people and property and time, but most of all respect and honor your Lord Jesus. He is our audience of One. The best time you will ever spend will be the quiet moments with Him and in his Word. You can trust He will speak to you there.

Lastly I just want to reiterate that you are loved. There is nothing ever that can or will change that. You will grow, you will change. You will be filled with swirling thoughts and emotions that you may not understand. You will make mistakes. But you will always be perfectly loved by our Father, and by us. We know we are not doing everything right in raising you, buddy, but we are so thankful God gives us the chance. By His grace, we just want to faithfully guide you in truth. You are a special boy. Created and purposed for great things...a warrior for His glory.

I love you,

Mommy

 

Not for wimps

Parenting is not for wimps. As I say this I fully realize...I am a wimp!

I finally got the last child to bed the other night and just collapsed on my bedroom floor. I had just tried to quietly and gently sing that last song to our toddler as he whined and cried about how he didn't want to go to bed, and then he thrashed his very hard head square into my face, practically breaking my nose (ok, not really, but it felt like it at the time). After that "episode" I was done. Literally. Fetal position. On the floor. Done. It was the last straw for me that day.

My feelings cried, "I can't do this anymore. It's too hard. I feel so empty. Constantly giving everything I have...and more. All day long. Getting in return only pain, all kinds of pain--physical, emotional. It feels like they just kill me every day and then stomp all over my guts and laugh about it." [A little dramatic, I know, but that's why they are called feelings, right?] Then, after a while, my level-headed, wise husband came and lay next to me on the floor. While he did not discount my feelings, having felt similar ones himself recently, he did bring some truth in to trump them. "We're looking them to fill us in some way," he said. "They can't. We need Jesus."

So simple, yet so true. We hold out our proverbial cup to whoever will fill it, and in parenting that happens to be children a lot of the time. I do it without ever realizing it. It feels good when they obey or use manners, when they offer unsolicited help or a random hug, or even clean up after themselves. It "fills" my tank so to speak. But it is only a false filling. That cup is truly only meant to be filled by One. And I am humbled yet again...

So in this house full of very loud, wild, beautifully human children, this wimp is constantly reminded of her desperate need for Jesus. I cannot do this without Him.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" ~2 Corinthians 12:9

Life and death

This week has been stressful, and sad. Our dog is dying of cancer. Amidst the normal day-to-day tasks around here we've been dealing with vet appointments, prescriptions, making "people" food for the dog, and wondering if she'll have enough energy today to get up the stairs. It's been an interesting time. I've found myself feeling anxious, not knowing what tomorrow holds or how she's going to die, or if we will have to make the decision to put her down and how our kids will handle all of that. I have not been through this before. And while I know that we never know what tomorrow holds for any of us, it is just so real and in your face when you're dealing with an impending death.

We told the kids about the dog last Saturday when she returned from the vet. Our youngest boy is very close to sweet Maggie. He found a true little friend in her very soon after he could crawl. One of his very first words was "Maggie" and he called all dogs by that name for at least a year. He isn't quite 3 yet, so of course he has a very limited understanding about what is going on. He has not been sad or cried at all about the news. This morning he said to me, with a big smile on his face, "Are we going to say good-bye to Maggie today?" The irony of it was that smile and the almost excitement in his voice. I felt myself sort of wince as I said, "I don't know, Joshua. Only God knows that." The faith of a child. Not feeling the sadness of pain and death, but just matter of fact and actually joyful of the fact that this earth is not all there is. What an amazing gift.

So while I know that the passing of a pet is just part of life, I also know this is another opportunity to be honest with myself and my state of helplessness. It is an opportunity to take all my worries and fears to the throne of God, laying them down and leaving them there. I am asking Him to give me that childlike faith, that trusts that the One who created the world also holds it all in His hands--every moment, every detail--and from that faith, may pure joy overflow.

These days

These days are full. These days are long. These days I rarely leave the house by myself with all 5 of my young children, unless it's to Costco, because they have a double-seated cart there. But such is this season of life. It's good. It is blessed. We're trying to wrestle through big issues, like who threatened who with the big stick in the backyard, or who used potty talk, or where that marker line on the carpet came from. These days are safe, in a way, which is a blessing. Our kids are happy, they are free from many of the world's worries. They are growing and learning and changing, and we are privileged to see much of it with our own eyes every single day. I am thankful.

As parents we try to shape and think about our views on how much of the world we bring into our home. How much of the world do we allow our kids to experience at their young ages, and how much do we wait on. What are the things that will be absolutes in our family, and what will be advised about but not absolutely decided on for our kids. What really matters?

I have been wrestling with the fact that there absolutely is a God who cares what we do, yet we are  also (when we are in Christ) absolutely loved and accepted no matter what we do. Maybe it all comes back to what is best. That ultimately He will work all things for good for those who love him (Rom 8:28), but my choices can and do affect my daily life and the consequences I (and others) will face. Maybe it all comes back to the heart. What is the motive behind my choices? If it's anything besides love for God and others, then it's probably not a good choice. If my heart shows anything but humility, then I need to rethink things. And therein is where the battle lies. My tendency is to think of myself first and how I can be most comfortable or happy, well-liked, or noticed. That is my kids' tendency too. If I could just remember that we share that human commonality--in the heat of a moment of discipline--maybe that would make all the difference!

So I know that it does matter what we say, what we do, what we wear or who we hang out with. God cares about everything...or else He wouldn't be God. Ultimately though, it's between God and me, and Him and you, what the details of our lives include or stand against. I just am asking him in this season to give us wisdom and humility. Wisdom to know how to bring these ones up in the world but not of it. And humility to do it in a way that does not condemn others for making different choices, but also does not apologize for standing on our convictions.

If they don't learn anything else about the gospel in our home, I pray that our children learn to be poor in spirit-- to freely admit their sinful humanity, and to always keep their eyes (and fingers) pointed to their awesome Savior.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 5:3

Abundant mercies

God is good. His mercies overflow. They really do. I am so thankful for the freedom that comes with yielding to Him. I so often resist His spirit. I resist the hard things in life. The things that might be painful, or that might hurt my pride, causing me to lay down my comfort or my "rights." But when I listen to His voice, when I reject the devil and his empty lies, when I stop looking only to protect me -- then freedom comes, beauty is evident, grace is there. That is when God's mercy flows, when He can truly work in and through me, and His love can pour out unobstructed onto others. Praise the Lord. It is not me, but only Him.

A few recent adventures...

The Creation Museum in Hebron, KY...

Then Teach them Diligently, Nashville...

Then back home to finish up Classical Conversations for this year...

And in the midst of all this, baby girl turned 6 months old:)

 

The gospel in the trenches

In case you haven't seen our family lately, with 4 wild boys running circles around us and one sweet girl stealing all of our affections, we are in the trenches. The trenches of parenting. Five kids under 8 years old. It is not easy. And then add a little homeschooling to the mix, meaning we're together all. the. time. Our days are full, and they are blessed :)

This parenting thing is hard. There is so much to learn. We recently went to a Christian homeschool conference. It was a much needed dose of encouragement, but it was also very challenging and somewhat convicting. The Lord really seems to be impressing upon my heart this idea of 'living the gospel' in our home. What does that look like? What does that even mean?

We of course want our children to know God above all else that we will ever teach them. To know his goodness, his mercy, his love. To be steeped in the truth of His word, and armed for the spiritual battle that awaits them in this world. But how do we teach them day in and day out that it all boils down to the gospel, that everything points to Jesus and what he has done for us.

The gospel is the simple truth that we are all wretched sinners and yet we all have access to an amazing and perfect Savior, simply because of His love for us. It is the ultimate good news. I always learned it growing up as grace, our completely free gift from God, that we did nothing and will never do anything to earn.

What I think the Lord is teaching me now is to go deeper into the freedom the gospel brings. The freedom to love. Without condition. To let go of the expectations I place on myself, or those around me. To trust in the completeness of the gospel.

When my kids argue constantly, or they are disrespectful, when they hit or scream or grab or kick, when they ignore or willfully disobey what I've asked them to do. How do I show them the gospel then? How do I love them then? What about when my selfishness creeps in? When I'd rather have a clean house or a good-looking family on the outside, than truly look at what is going on in hearts on the inside? These are the real moments. The ones I live out all the time, every single day.

I don't yet know exactly what 'living the gospel' in our home means. I desperately want to keep learning, though. I think much of it comes down to love. And grace. Keeping calm more, flying off the handle a lot less. Freedom to believe that Jesus' sacrifice truly is enough to cover over everything. My wretched sin, my husband's, that of my kids. Everybody. Reminding myself of that in each moment, every day. Trusting His sacrifice on the cross to be enough.

I want to love Jesus with reckless abandon, and because I am humbled that he would save a sinner like me, seek to love and serve those around me like that too. Living the gospel.

"God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

Praying Women

So I don't do social media, and I don't really follow how many people actually read my blog, but I want to put this out there for whoever might cross this path.

God is up to something big. Something big in the hearts of women who long to seek Him, to worship Him, to believe Him. He is at work, drawing us in, changing hearts and lives all around us. Prayer is powerful. Prayer is vital. Prayer is a gift.

So, click the link below and be blessed...

http://millionprayingwomen.com/

Surrender leads to victory

Littlest boy crossed a big milestone this week. We had to say good-bye to the trusted friend, the "pa-pa."

 

I know it's just a pacifier, and this too shall pass, ever so quickly. But it's been hard! I have felt myself feeling just as anxious and distraught as he has at times. It is hard to watch your baby go through emotional turmoil, even knowing this is a necessary thing to bring him to a better place. Knowing that he has to surrender in order to gain victory. The victory for now might just be a broken cycle of addiction to a teeth-altering plastic thing, but one day the battles will be much harder and the victories will be even sweeter.

I just want this little boy to know that I am fighting for him in the only way I can, on my knees. I remember laying on the floor in his room as an infant, crying out to the Lord to "quiet him with His love" (Zeph. 3:17)...and now outside his room pleading with the Lord to fill him with peace, contentment, and a tangible dose of His presence...and one day I'm sure I'll be battling it in the quiet, asking God to equip him with all he needs to face the many trials of this world. Asking God to help this boy surrender, that he may allow the Holy Spirit to teach him and guide him in all truth and righteousness, that he may gain the victory that has already been won.

 

Yes, I know this time it was just a pacifier. And thankfully he's already made strides this week in letting it go. But Lord may I continue to fight the battles for this boy, and all my children, in faithful prayer to you. Help me to surrender, trusting you to bring the victory.

 

Don't want to miss it

Last night I felt a little bit fried. That pretty much sums it up. This week was hard. I'll admit it. I could sugar-coat our life right now and say we are the quintessential homeschool family, all singing hymns together around the piano to start our day, with a beautiful baby sleeping contentedly in a bassinet nearby. But in actuality when we've tried to incorporate some hymns on occasion, it usually ends up with a child banging the piano keys, another one jumping off the nearby chair, and a boy wrestling his brother to get back a toy or be the one who gets to sit on the piano bench. Sometimes there is singing.

The point is, it's not ideal. Not quintessential. But it's our life.

This week there were fights about school. There were brand new Christmas toys that were destroyed by a toddler, and an entire tupperware of kidney beans spilled all over the floor. There was a crying baby fighting her naps. There was much discipline for rudeness and disrespect.

There was also the joy of first baby laughs. Boys playing superhero all together. Boys excited to do a science project with daddy. A spontaneous walk to the playground. 'Ice skating' in the back yard. Lots of game playing. And some sweet cuddles too.

I am tired. I don't get much of a "break" by the world's standards. But I am thankful. This is my life. The ugly and the beautiful. I want to hold open my hands and say "yes" to all the Lord has. All that he is teaching me, though sometimes it is through the hard stuff. I want to look at my children and see the wonder, the miracle that they really are, underneath all that flesh. After all, that is how He sees me.

Even if I feel fried every now and then...I don't want to miss this.

 

"God is faithful." ~1 Cor. 1:9

 

Blessing among the messing...

Five kids make lots of messes. Five kids at home every day~playing and eating and crafting and (hopefully) learning~they make lots of messes. I was sitting there at the kitchen table one morning recently, just reflecting on my life. And I just thought, "wow." Here's a little glimpse.

So our school day usually starts around 9:30. By about 10:00 today, this is what was going on. One boy was cutting things out and was supposed to then glue them on a paper to make patterns. Another boy was writing something and about to draw a picture. Another was supposed to be doing a math activity. The youngest was having a snack. And the baby slept in the swing. Flash forward 5 minutes. Baby wakes up crying, not done napping. Paci game starts. Two year old wants to sit on my lap as I work with 4 year old on the cutting thing. His snack falls on the floor. He cries, but gets down to try to pick it up and pick off enough dog hair to be able to eat it anyway. He whines because he wants me to help him. Oldest is not doing math, but instead playing with his pencil and singing loudly about koalas. Other boy complains because I still haven't checked his writing. Baby doesn't stop spitting her paci out, so I decide to hold her. Turn around and 4 year old is now opening the stapler and trying to figure out how it works. Staples all over floor, along with paper scraps from cutting. I remind all to stay on task (probably in a voice that was too loud). My head starts spinning as everyone is asking for help in some way. There's paper and pencils and books and crayons and scissors and glue everywhere. I remember I need a snack, and more coffee...and a load of laundry needs to go in. Oh, and the dishes from breakfast still sit on the counter, oatmeal pasted to the bowls by now. So I sit down, breathe in the sweet baby head smell, and look out the window at the bright blue sky, thanking God amidst the loudness and mess. I look around. Wow. What a mess.

This is my life. It's hard, it's messy, it's loud, it's overwhelming. But isn't that what He came for? God came down to this earth to show me that He loves me that much. To take every burden, every mess. To mend broken things. To be here with me in the mess. To show me how to depend on Him, how to breathe in the blessings no matter how life swirls crazy around me.

Thank you, Savior...thank you, Jesus.

Heart Overflow

I have been reflecting on the goodness of God. He doesn't always choose to bless me in ways I might think of blessing, in my humanity. In other words, in God's kingdom, blessing does not equal happiness all the time...or maybe even most of the time. Blessing can come in the form of brokenness and pain that ultimately draws me to my need for a Savior, which is the ultimate joy. Every once in a while, though, God in His mercy shows himself in just an amazing way, and I truly do just feel happy as a result. My heart overflows.

Baby girl is 2 months old now. She is just a crazy cute little blessing. A sweet disposition. A fantastic sleeper. A content baby. It's amazing. I was hit with the realization a couple weeks ago that she is an unbelievable answer to prayer. Truly a product of the Lord giving us a desire of our hearts. Truly a testimony to his faithfulness. I am incredibly humbled and thankful.

I often get the comment from people, "Now you can stop having kids. You got your girl." No offense to anyone who has said this, but I hate that comment. Yes, this little girl was specifically prayed for and we are so excited to have her. But I prayed that boys #3 & 4 would be girls too! I always thought I just could not handle a whole house full of crazy boy-ness. God in his wisdom answered those prayers with a no, and I'm so glad he did, as we could not be the family we are without each one of these unique, energetic, precious boys.

I heard my wise pastor say something that really resonated with me this week:

The reason God asks you to do something is specifically because he knows you can't do it.

In this season, I am frequently reminded that I can't. I can't be a good mom to this many boys, I can't homeschool them all, I can't keep up with the messes and laundry...Lord, help me, I can't lead them to Him. But He calls me to do all of this so that He can do what He does best--be God!

We did not "keep having kids" until we got the perfect, angelic little girl (which I know she is not, though it may seem so at times right now :). I just want to be faithful to Him, thanking Him along the way for each unique child he has created for His purposes. The Lord is building this family, and he has used the "trials" of a few feelings of disappointment to draw me closer and teach me that He is the giver of good gifts, the one who lines my desires up with His.

I am so thankful that Hannah is who she is, yet I am also just overwhelmed with the goodness of God, that he would care so much to give me exactly what He knows I need, at exactly the moment when I truly need it. I guess I really have no idea what I need, except that I need Him, all the time. I have done nothing to deserve such kindness and mercy.