My wayward heart

I'm a funny blogger, if you can even call me that. I sometimes go a loooonnng time between posts. And then I feel a prompting. It's really weird actually. I mean, I'm pretty much never alone these days, yet lately I have been feeling very "alone" with my thoughts. I guess I've been pretty isolated with the new baby. Yes, maybe I'm just a crazy postpartum lady!

Being at home has been a blessing in many ways, but it also feels a little bit suffocating at times. There is always someone or something that has a need that has to be filled by me, and that can get overwhelming. Yesterday morning I was feeling that way bigtime. And honestly it was stealing my joy. One thing after another happened. The enemy is relentless in his ways to get me (and my kids) to act out in our flesh and sin in this battlefield of life. I got to a place where I could barely even remember Truth, let alone declare it out loud, which is what I knew I needed to do. It was a downward spiral. Then my husband came home and told me a simple story of a testimony he heard at church related to Operation Christmas Child. It had really touched his heart. And then it hit me. Newsflash! It's not all about me.

It is not about me. It's about this amazing God and how He is always working, He provides for every need, and He truly does answer every prayer. The glory is HIS.

This is my life. Constant ups and downs. It is so frustrating, yet so real. I wake up talking to the Lord--thanking him and asking for his grace to walk in His Spirit this day. I might even have a praise song in my head from the moment I step out of bed (always an added bonus). And then the day sets in. Babies fuss at the most inopportune moments, toddlers play with everything that's not a toy, preschoolers whine and complain and argue, messes are made, things aren't getting done like I hoped or planned...I'm literally surrounded by things that can tempt discouragement in my soul. I spiral down, then I swim back up for air (that is His grace), I spiral a bit again, then air, then spiral...you get the picture. I so wish it was different. Not that my life was different, but that my response to the potential discouragment be different. How I want to declare Truth like it's in the forefront of my mind in every situation I face. How I want to simply praise God, instead of complaining to Him so often. How I want to choose Joy! And to lay down my wayward, selfish heart that seeks my own comfort all the time.

I know it might sound like I'm a bit down in the dumps right now. Really I'm not (even though my hormones might be a little out of whack!). I am just dealing with those every day ups & downs, all those feelings that swirl around like they have no place to go. The only place for them to go is to my Heavenly Father, who tenderly reminds me of his love and grace, moment by moment.

Truly, I have much to be thankful for...

A beautiful, healthy baby boy

Three sweet, strong big brothers for that baby boy

An amazing husband, who has seen me through 4 hard deliveries, never ceasing to encourage me and pull me through. He is our rock who continually points us all to our amazing God. Such a blessing.
                                                 

"As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul thirsts for God, for the living God...Why are you downcast, O my soul. Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." ~Psalm 42

Great is thy faithfulness

I've been camping out in Lamentations 3 for about a week now. Well, actually I've been studying the whole book with our ladies' bible study, but if you've ever read Lamentations, it's not super pleasant to dwell on much besides chapter 3! Jeremiah does some serious lamenting, both personally & for Israel as a nation, in this short book of the Bible. I am struck by his honesty, and I love it actually. It is always so refreshing to be reminded that God does not want us to act like we are fine all the time when we come to him. It is so tempting to do that, because we sort of just fall into that in our human nature. Our typical greeting to each other as we pass by is usually a "how are you?" with a quick reply of "doing fine, thanks" or something similar, even if we are in reality on the brink of breaking because of the many burdens weighing on our hearts. We (or I) sort of feel like we have failed or are doing something wrong if we are not fine, if we don't have it all pretty much together pretty much all of the time. But God wants our honest hearts. He knows our true feelings anyway, so why not bring them to Him in humility and surrender? He really cares. He can take our honesty!

And the awesome part is that if we will call this to mind [a true act of the will for me at times] we can have hope:

"Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:21-23

I've been reminded that despite how some days in my little life I feel quite consumed, I actually am not. Some days when the burdens are great--when it seems like there is just so much to pray for, so much hurt in so many lives...we are not consumed. In the big and little He remains faithful. His mercies are new every single day. No matter what I fear or am anxious about or burdened by; even despite what I just feel inconvenienced by in this life...Great is thy faithfulness.

So that is what I am encouraged about and thankful for this week. Nothing monumental or super insightful...just this simple reminder. I just felt it was right to share it today.

Summer recap

A move, one broken arm, two incidents requiring stitches, lots of swimming, popsicles, ice cream, backyard haircuts, one boy turned 5, trips to FL,  D.C., New Jersey, Tabor City, backyard camping, cousins, grandparents, friends, and a little retreat for mommy & daddy...it was a wonderful summer!!
We feel very blessed.


Now onto Fall...

School, apples, Awana, and a new arrival soon to come... :)

Serving with Joy

I have been reading a few books this summer. I'm the type that sometimes has about 4-5 books "going" at one time. It drives me crazy, and yet I love it. I really enjoy reading, but alas this season of my life doesn't allow for a whole lot of quiet time to just sit with a latte and a good book. One day... :)

Anyway, one of the books I've been savoring is The Mission of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson. Wow. It's so good! Every time I pick it up I feel like I'm renewed in my purpose as a mom, my God-designed, holy purpose to serve the Lord in serving my children.

"Therefore, I urge you, [sister], in view of God's mercy, to offer your body as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship." Romans 12:2

This verse has been one God urged me to put to memory recently. The whole idea of a living sacrifice is so foreign to this world it seems. We do everything we can to be comfortable, to get what we want. Sure, we do good things, but we try not to inconvenience ourselves too much. I do this without even thinking about it sometimes. I want what will make me "feel" good...and I want it now!! But this is not God's way. His way is laying down our rights. Serving. Turning the other cheek. Not always getting what we think we deserve.

When I am alone with 3 little boys all day long, it can be so tempting to think about what I deserve. If only they would understand the sacrifices I make for them...making their food appear in front of them at just the right times, cleaning up after them constantly, reading that favorite book for the hundredth time...and on and on. And oh, I am tired. I've been tired for over 5 years! Don't I deserve a nap, or more quiet time, or more time to click away on the internet? The thing is this kind of thinking is a total trap for me. It is lies from the devil that only can lead to resentful feelings and a heart that is parched and dry. It leads to unhappy children that think they've done something to make mommy discontent.

But alas, I am learning. Praise God that he is gracious and patiently teaching me in this mothering journey. He has gifted so many who I am blessed to have walk beside me and encourage growth, even sometimes in just reading a wonderful book like this one.

Jesus came to this earth with full rights as a King, yet he chose to lay down those rights to serve. He chose to serve because of His great love for us. And like him, I am called to give up my rights and what I may feel I deserve simply out of my great love for Him. I don't want to look at my days and wish I had more time to myself. These little beings are only going to need me like this for a short time. There are no wasted moments. God is using them to refine me just as much as he's using me to train them. Each day, with it's PB&Js and messes and whatever else, is God's perfect will for my life yielded to him.

"Serving with joy in the midst of our messes and difficulty can only be done when we walk in the power of the Holy Spirit. When we see each minute with our children as an opportunity to worship God through our service of Him, our children sense our joy and feel secure and happy." ~Sally Clarkson

We have decided to keep all our boys home this year...I guess you could call it "homeschooling," though we haven't really labeled it that yet. I am trying to teach them some stuff ;) We are in a transition time. Searching and seeking the Lord's will for our family and each individual child. But for now, you can call me crazy. Baby on the way + ages 2, 3, & 5...all boys...all at home. Yeah, I pretty much could walk around with a sticker saying, "yes, my hands are full!" in reply to all the comments I get about it. But ironically, though there are definite moments of craziness, this is undoubtedly what the Lord has called us to for right now. The kids are thriving (most days) and our family life feels content. I really think it's through this process of laying down my rights that I have learned so much about what it really means to serve the Lord. It's just not always easy, and it's not even always what we would choose or picture for our life. But if He calls us to it, He equips us to do it. And there is so much blessing in that.

So, may I serve with joy, may you serve with joy. Each to where and to what we are called...

Why strongholds?

I have been pondering this question lately...perhaps caught up in my own defeatedness at times, and other times discouraged by "the world" in general. I mean, why doesn't the Lord just zap us into at least a semi-state of perfection once we see and admit our desperate need for Him?! Why does he allow us to struggle so against the tactics of the enemy? Why does he allow us to still wrestle greatly with our flesh, even after His Spirit dwells within?

The answer is obvious in Scripture. Obvious, yet requiring of constant reminder to my wayward heart.

"...this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead." 2 Cor. 1:9

"That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses...in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Cor. 12:10

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." Heb. 12:11

"For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." 2 Cor. 1:5

I know that God doesn't perfect us here on this earth for a divine reason. He is so purposeful. He doesn't give us easy formulas or "how to's" for marriage or parenting or even just right living. But He gives us something better...His Holy Word. Living Water. He allows us to struggle, so that we draw nearer to Him, so that we know that we know that we just cannot do this thing without Him. So that we know (and live like) He is our life and breath.

Recently I heard Beth Moore describe our earthly "promised land" as characterized by 2 things: 1) living in consistent Victory (not sinless, not even always happy, but consistently claiming the Victory that Christ died to give us in daily moments of life), and 2) bearing fruit (living in our calling, being impactful for Christ in the sphere of influence He has put us in).

That really struck me. I realized that I was allowing myself to be brought down by my strongholds and let them enter me into a cycle of defeat over and over again. I was not living in my promised land. And that is not where God wants me to be. No matter what circumstance comes my way in this life, no matter how many times a day I think I can't do this, He is the Victory. He has already overcome. It is finished. I came back from hearing that with a renewed heart and steadfast spirit.

I am called to spend my days raising these wild, crazy boys. To allow Him to love them through me. To point them to the Cross every chance I have. To honor Him in my struggles and in my hardships. To cling to Grace as the very air I breathe.

May I hold fast to the One who makes this even remotely possible! May I rejoice in my strongholds and struggles, as He brings me from glory to glory. His grace truly is sufficient...His power made perfect in weakness.

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I was led to this very wise blog post today for a reason...and so I'm linking this post there.

The hard thankfuls

I've been reminded a lot lately, and urged in my spirit, to give thanks in the hard things. It is somewhat easy to make a gratitude list of all the good things.

feeling little baby kicks
grandparents who love my sons
a beautiful day with family & friends

But it's the harder things that I don't naturally give thanks for.

whining children
one brother hurting another
unfulfilled hopes
hard relationships

I can't seem to get the lyrics of the Laura Story song, Blessings, out of my mind recently. What if His blessings come through raindrops? What if they come through tears? What if trials of this life are His mercies in disguise?

I am reminded that God is truly in and over everything. Nothing happens apart from Him--He allows it, He ordains it. Either way, He really is constantly blessing. He really is good...even if I don't "feel" it all the time. His ways are not my ways. I forget that at least once a day. I sit down with my gratitude journal at the end of a hard day sometimes and have to rack my brain to think of what I am thankful for. Ugh!

As Anne Voskamp says, All is grace. Even the ugly can be turned into beautiful by giving thanks. Remembering His faithfulness. Trusting Him to be working all things together for good...always. Thanksgiving comes before the miracle.

So I'm trying to be thankful more for the not so good stuff. The "ugly beautiful." I am seeking freedom there. He is God. I am not. When I try to control all that which does not seem to bring happiness or contentment, or everything that hurts, it just ends up a mess. A cycle of defeat.

A close friend just said to me that the only way hurtful words or actions can truly hurt me (and cause bitterness to root) is if I am not living dead to self. Living the life Christ died to give me. The crucified life. Walking in constant, utter dependence on Him.

Lord, thank you for the hard things today. Teach me how to live completely dependent on you, moment by moment. Trusting you. Believing you. Praising you. May you be glorified...

Gracious healer

Today has been just frustrating. So many little things. I was frustrated at myself and the way I do things...tired of being in a hurry...tired of waiting until the last minute to get things done...tired of my flesh and how it comes out ugly in moments of chaos and stress. Just tired.

Unbelief. That's what it is. I'm not believing that the God of the universe cares about poor little old me and my seemingly insignificant (in the grand scheme) circumstances. But He does...and He heals.

Today I could barely even ask him to heal me. But the prayers of a mother, a husband, a friend...He heard them. He reached down in all his glory to graciously heal my broken spirit. To lift me up and simply say, "It's going to be okay." He is truly faithful. He really does care. May I remember this the next time a frustrating day comes my way. In this world, it probably won't be too far off...

The Lord is merciful and gracious...like a father to his children...he understands how weak we are...But the love of the LORD remains forever with those who fear him. ~Psalm 103 (NLT)

Amen.