I finally got the last child to bed the other night and just collapsed on my bedroom floor. I had just tried to quietly and gently sing that last song to our toddler as he whined and cried about how he didn't want to go to bed, and then he thrashed his very hard head square into my face, practically breaking my nose (ok, not really, but it felt like it at the time). After that "episode" I was done. Literally. Fetal position. On the floor. Done. It was the last straw for me that day.
My feelings cried, "I can't do this anymore. It's too hard. I feel so empty. Constantly giving everything I have...and more. All day long. Getting in return only pain, all kinds of pain--physical, emotional. It feels like they just kill me every day and then stomp all over my guts and laugh about it." [A little dramatic, I know, but that's why they are called feelings, right?] Then, after a while, my level-headed, wise husband came and lay next to me on the floor. While he did not discount my feelings, having felt similar ones himself recently, he did bring some truth in to trump them. "We're looking them to fill us in some way," he said. "They can't. We need Jesus."
So simple, yet so true. We hold out our proverbial cup to whoever will fill it, and in parenting that happens to be children a lot of the time. I do it without ever realizing it. It feels good when they obey or use manners, when they offer unsolicited help or a random hug, or even clean up after themselves. It "fills" my tank so to speak. But it is only a false filling. That cup is truly only meant to be filled by One. And I am humbled yet again...
So in this house full of very loud, wild, beautifully human children, this wimp is constantly reminded of her desperate need for Jesus. I cannot do this without Him.
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" ~2 Corinthians 12:9
Amen, sister :) Love to you from a fellow total wimp!
ReplyDeleteAmen. I come to the end of myself on a daily basis, too. Been curled up in sobbing tears more than once just this week. It reminds me that my sole purpose is God's calling on my life and following Him. Anything else is an idol- my children, my spouse, my checklists, etc... And it is true, I cannot "do" or "be" any of this, but praise God He doesn't expect me to. I know I will never be enough for them and cannot do it. They need Jesus just as desperately as I do. Love you, dear sister!
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