What I'm learning

There is never a shortage of learning going on in this home. And I don't mean primarily academic! I had written on here about the month-long journey of specific Scripture praying I was doing for my boys in October. Well there was no earth shattering change in their behavior as a result of that, necessarily. But it was profound in my soul and I think it is beginning to affect our home. The constant reminder to let go, to trust Him with every part of them, to quit seeing myself as responsible for their heart or behavior change. When days are hard, it is easy to say "it's just a phase" or "tomorrow is a new day," but when I see my boys struggling with sin, I want to call it what it is and then let it bring me to my knees. God tells us he hears from on high. He hears every prayer, and I believe those specific prayers over my kids matter. They're making a difference in ways I do not understand or sometimes even see with my own eyes.

Our life is really messy. We are a big family. We have a lot of boys. And most of the time they are super wild and loud and primarily motivated by fun (getting a picture like the one above is very rare!). We're trying to teach them self-control, but ultimately we cannot make them be calm or care about others. I guess that is why Paul calls them fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5. Fruit can't make itself happen. An orange does not think really hard about trying to be a tasty orange. Just like that, I don't think we can try hard enough to be gentle and kind and loving and patient, without Jesus. I am going to fail every time. The Holy Spirit works in people in a powerful way, and behavior change is the result. It may be very slow, slooow behavior change, but He changes people. I have to believe that. At times I have to make myself believe it, because I can tend to be a grumbling Israelite in the process. "God, what am I doing wrong?" My thoughts say, "I do not see heart change...in these kids, and admittedly, in me sometimes. I must need to do something different." But God tells me to wait, to trust him, to seek Him, to continue being faithful. He is working. The process of sanctification is long and really hard. Sometimes I think maybe it would be easier to just not care. Just be like the world, please myself at all costs, seek that which I 'deserve.' But God is working. Sacrifice is worship, and it is worth it. I believe it has eternal significance.

So while we wait for all things to be made new, I am here, with a house full of young wild sinners whom I love desperately and fail miserably in some way every single day. And I want to rejoice no matter how hard the days can be. God is good to us. He is faithful. He is gracious. I want to remember the many blessings He gives. I want to remember the heart change He does. So I'll keep learning...

 

 

Praise and Prayer

Praising God for the blessing of 3 beautiful children who each turn one year older in this 2 ish week span of Fall time.

 

David is a sweet, hilarious, energetic 5 year old, who has been going through a "jammy phase" for almost 2 years now. We praise God for his unique spirit, and his desire to protect and defend those he loves. This boy is definitely in the Lord's army. And, randomly, he loves mustaches!

Joshua is almost 3, and he loves to run around with his "brudders" and play as hard as he possibly can during all waking hours of the day (and sometimes partially into the night). He also has an interest and love for all animals, and is often on a toad hunt in the backyard. He keeps us on our toes for sure, but he has a beautiful heart. Praise God, he has finally gotten the hang of potty training after a month of strong-willed battles!

Hannah Grace, our big 1 year old girl. So hard to believe. It seems like yesterday she was born. She is still so happy & content almost all of the time. She loves her brothers, is very observant and tender-hearted, and gives her snuggles out freely. She learned to walk about 3 days before her birthday, and is now toddling around everywhere. Praising God for her sweet (and somewhat calm--at least for now) spirit in our family:)

Children are a blessing, a heritage from the Lord. I truly believe that. With all these blessings, though, also comes lots and lots of hard work. I am often weary. I was telling a friend recently that I feel like I come to the absolute end of myself so often these days with my kids. I don't know how to make them listen or obey, or even care. Actually, I know that I can't! I've come to realize that my only option is prayer. I know it is the best option, but sometimes I do still wish there were some parenting book out there that had all the answers spelled out in a ten step formula. I would follow it to a T! I have looked, but unfortunately it does not exist. I am thankful, though. A fool-proof formula would be too easy, and then my kids would be robots and I would have no need to stay connected to my Savior.

At the end of the day (or beginning) I think the Lord is teaching me it is about where my heart is. Am I following my own selfish desires, inconvenienced by constant needs to correct or teach a child because of sin? I frequently am, if I am honest. But God, I want to change that. I am desperate for HIM to teach me how to parent these children. For HIM to show me what it means to truly be humble in front of my children, and to show mercy as I have been shown mercy.

This month I am joining again a 21 day challenge to pray God's word specifically over my sons (themobsociety.com). It is a powerful thing. Lord willing, I will share what I've learned from that sometime down the road. For now I am just so thankful that, despite my wayward, fickle self, God remains as faithful as the sunrise. Day after day. His mercy will not end.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him.” ~Lamentations 3:22-24

 

Dear Jack

My dear oldest child. I have been burdened for you lately. I have been at odds with you at times lately. You are starting to go through some growing pains. You are so thoughtful, always pondering things around you. You tend to internalize those thoughts, and at times I feel like I'd pay a million dollars to find out what that brain is up to.

I long for you to know you are loved. To know that you can be secure, and rest in God's undying love for you. I want you to stand strong, to be courageous, to not miss out on the abundant life Jesus died to give you. I have done that at times, because of fear or insecurity, and I know now that there is so much more joy and feeedom when I choose to trust Him with everything, and seek to walk in His ways rather than going my own way.

You are still so young. You love to play, to run and jump and be crazy, to hold onto your stuffed animals at night as you fall asleep. I pray you don't lose that innocent spirit as you grow and see more of the darkness that exists in this world. Let your light shine! Have hope for things eternal, do not cling to what will fade, which is everything under the sun. Serve God, love people, be a good steward of the gifts God gives.

You say one of your biggest fears is being in front of people. Mine too. I feel much more comfortable in the background, and I'm a home-body just like you:) But God will give you the strength to overcome those fears, to step out into what He is calling you to do. Don't let the moments when you do succeed boost your pride. In humility, give Him all the glory. I have no doubt He will do amazing things through you.

There is so much in the world that will try for your attention. So many things that may seem good can actually turn out to be a big waste of time. You and I, we fall prey to those things easily. Keep your eyes on Him always. Fight the distractions! Be a respector of people and property and time, but most of all respect and honor your Lord Jesus. He is our audience of One. The best time you will ever spend will be the quiet moments with Him and in his Word. You can trust He will speak to you there.

Lastly I just want to reiterate that you are loved. There is nothing ever that can or will change that. You will grow, you will change. You will be filled with swirling thoughts and emotions that you may not understand. You will make mistakes. But you will always be perfectly loved by our Father, and by us. We know we are not doing everything right in raising you, buddy, but we are so thankful God gives us the chance. By His grace, we just want to faithfully guide you in truth. You are a special boy. Created and purposed for great things...a warrior for His glory.

I love you,

Mommy

 

Not for wimps

Parenting is not for wimps. As I say this I fully realize...I am a wimp!

I finally got the last child to bed the other night and just collapsed on my bedroom floor. I had just tried to quietly and gently sing that last song to our toddler as he whined and cried about how he didn't want to go to bed, and then he thrashed his very hard head square into my face, practically breaking my nose (ok, not really, but it felt like it at the time). After that "episode" I was done. Literally. Fetal position. On the floor. Done. It was the last straw for me that day.

My feelings cried, "I can't do this anymore. It's too hard. I feel so empty. Constantly giving everything I have...and more. All day long. Getting in return only pain, all kinds of pain--physical, emotional. It feels like they just kill me every day and then stomp all over my guts and laugh about it." [A little dramatic, I know, but that's why they are called feelings, right?] Then, after a while, my level-headed, wise husband came and lay next to me on the floor. While he did not discount my feelings, having felt similar ones himself recently, he did bring some truth in to trump them. "We're looking them to fill us in some way," he said. "They can't. We need Jesus."

So simple, yet so true. We hold out our proverbial cup to whoever will fill it, and in parenting that happens to be children a lot of the time. I do it without ever realizing it. It feels good when they obey or use manners, when they offer unsolicited help or a random hug, or even clean up after themselves. It "fills" my tank so to speak. But it is only a false filling. That cup is truly only meant to be filled by One. And I am humbled yet again...

So in this house full of very loud, wild, beautifully human children, this wimp is constantly reminded of her desperate need for Jesus. I cannot do this without Him.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" ~2 Corinthians 12:9

Life and death

This week has been stressful, and sad. Our dog is dying of cancer. Amidst the normal day-to-day tasks around here we've been dealing with vet appointments, prescriptions, making "people" food for the dog, and wondering if she'll have enough energy today to get up the stairs. It's been an interesting time. I've found myself feeling anxious, not knowing what tomorrow holds or how she's going to die, or if we will have to make the decision to put her down and how our kids will handle all of that. I have not been through this before. And while I know that we never know what tomorrow holds for any of us, it is just so real and in your face when you're dealing with an impending death.

We told the kids about the dog last Saturday when she returned from the vet. Our youngest boy is very close to sweet Maggie. He found a true little friend in her very soon after he could crawl. One of his very first words was "Maggie" and he called all dogs by that name for at least a year. He isn't quite 3 yet, so of course he has a very limited understanding about what is going on. He has not been sad or cried at all about the news. This morning he said to me, with a big smile on his face, "Are we going to say good-bye to Maggie today?" The irony of it was that smile and the almost excitement in his voice. I felt myself sort of wince as I said, "I don't know, Joshua. Only God knows that." The faith of a child. Not feeling the sadness of pain and death, but just matter of fact and actually joyful of the fact that this earth is not all there is. What an amazing gift.

So while I know that the passing of a pet is just part of life, I also know this is another opportunity to be honest with myself and my state of helplessness. It is an opportunity to take all my worries and fears to the throne of God, laying them down and leaving them there. I am asking Him to give me that childlike faith, that trusts that the One who created the world also holds it all in His hands--every moment, every detail--and from that faith, may pure joy overflow.

These days

These days are full. These days are long. These days I rarely leave the house by myself with all 5 of my young children, unless it's to Costco, because they have a double-seated cart there. But such is this season of life. It's good. It is blessed. We're trying to wrestle through big issues, like who threatened who with the big stick in the backyard, or who used potty talk, or where that marker line on the carpet came from. These days are safe, in a way, which is a blessing. Our kids are happy, they are free from many of the world's worries. They are growing and learning and changing, and we are privileged to see much of it with our own eyes every single day. I am thankful.

As parents we try to shape and think about our views on how much of the world we bring into our home. How much of the world do we allow our kids to experience at their young ages, and how much do we wait on. What are the things that will be absolutes in our family, and what will be advised about but not absolutely decided on for our kids. What really matters?

I have been wrestling with the fact that there absolutely is a God who cares what we do, yet we are  also (when we are in Christ) absolutely loved and accepted no matter what we do. Maybe it all comes back to what is best. That ultimately He will work all things for good for those who love him (Rom 8:28), but my choices can and do affect my daily life and the consequences I (and others) will face. Maybe it all comes back to the heart. What is the motive behind my choices? If it's anything besides love for God and others, then it's probably not a good choice. If my heart shows anything but humility, then I need to rethink things. And therein is where the battle lies. My tendency is to think of myself first and how I can be most comfortable or happy, well-liked, or noticed. That is my kids' tendency too. If I could just remember that we share that human commonality--in the heat of a moment of discipline--maybe that would make all the difference!

So I know that it does matter what we say, what we do, what we wear or who we hang out with. God cares about everything...or else He wouldn't be God. Ultimately though, it's between God and me, and Him and you, what the details of our lives include or stand against. I just am asking him in this season to give us wisdom and humility. Wisdom to know how to bring these ones up in the world but not of it. And humility to do it in a way that does not condemn others for making different choices, but also does not apologize for standing on our convictions.

If they don't learn anything else about the gospel in our home, I pray that our children learn to be poor in spirit-- to freely admit their sinful humanity, and to always keep their eyes (and fingers) pointed to their awesome Savior.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 5:3

Abundant mercies

God is good. His mercies overflow. They really do. I am so thankful for the freedom that comes with yielding to Him. I so often resist His spirit. I resist the hard things in life. The things that might be painful, or that might hurt my pride, causing me to lay down my comfort or my "rights." But when I listen to His voice, when I reject the devil and his empty lies, when I stop looking only to protect me -- then freedom comes, beauty is evident, grace is there. That is when God's mercy flows, when He can truly work in and through me, and His love can pour out unobstructed onto others. Praise the Lord. It is not me, but only Him.