Life and death

This week has been stressful, and sad. Our dog is dying of cancer. Amidst the normal day-to-day tasks around here we've been dealing with vet appointments, prescriptions, making "people" food for the dog, and wondering if she'll have enough energy today to get up the stairs. It's been an interesting time. I've found myself feeling anxious, not knowing what tomorrow holds or how she's going to die, or if we will have to make the decision to put her down and how our kids will handle all of that. I have not been through this before. And while I know that we never know what tomorrow holds for any of us, it is just so real and in your face when you're dealing with an impending death.

We told the kids about the dog last Saturday when she returned from the vet. Our youngest boy is very close to sweet Maggie. He found a true little friend in her very soon after he could crawl. One of his very first words was "Maggie" and he called all dogs by that name for at least a year. He isn't quite 3 yet, so of course he has a very limited understanding about what is going on. He has not been sad or cried at all about the news. This morning he said to me, with a big smile on his face, "Are we going to say good-bye to Maggie today?" The irony of it was that smile and the almost excitement in his voice. I felt myself sort of wince as I said, "I don't know, Joshua. Only God knows that." The faith of a child. Not feeling the sadness of pain and death, but just matter of fact and actually joyful of the fact that this earth is not all there is. What an amazing gift.

So while I know that the passing of a pet is just part of life, I also know this is another opportunity to be honest with myself and my state of helplessness. It is an opportunity to take all my worries and fears to the throne of God, laying them down and leaving them there. I am asking Him to give me that childlike faith, that trusts that the One who created the world also holds it all in His hands--every moment, every detail--and from that faith, may pure joy overflow.

These days

These days are full. These days are long. These days I rarely leave the house by myself with all 5 of my young children, unless it's to Costco, because they have a double-seated cart there. But such is this season of life. It's good. It is blessed. We're trying to wrestle through big issues, like who threatened who with the big stick in the backyard, or who used potty talk, or where that marker line on the carpet came from. These days are safe, in a way, which is a blessing. Our kids are happy, they are free from many of the world's worries. They are growing and learning and changing, and we are privileged to see much of it with our own eyes every single day. I am thankful.

As parents we try to shape and think about our views on how much of the world we bring into our home. How much of the world do we allow our kids to experience at their young ages, and how much do we wait on. What are the things that will be absolutes in our family, and what will be advised about but not absolutely decided on for our kids. What really matters?

I have been wrestling with the fact that there absolutely is a God who cares what we do, yet we are  also (when we are in Christ) absolutely loved and accepted no matter what we do. Maybe it all comes back to what is best. That ultimately He will work all things for good for those who love him (Rom 8:28), but my choices can and do affect my daily life and the consequences I (and others) will face. Maybe it all comes back to the heart. What is the motive behind my choices? If it's anything besides love for God and others, then it's probably not a good choice. If my heart shows anything but humility, then I need to rethink things. And therein is where the battle lies. My tendency is to think of myself first and how I can be most comfortable or happy, well-liked, or noticed. That is my kids' tendency too. If I could just remember that we share that human commonality--in the heat of a moment of discipline--maybe that would make all the difference!

So I know that it does matter what we say, what we do, what we wear or who we hang out with. God cares about everything...or else He wouldn't be God. Ultimately though, it's between God and me, and Him and you, what the details of our lives include or stand against. I just am asking him in this season to give us wisdom and humility. Wisdom to know how to bring these ones up in the world but not of it. And humility to do it in a way that does not condemn others for making different choices, but also does not apologize for standing on our convictions.

If they don't learn anything else about the gospel in our home, I pray that our children learn to be poor in spirit-- to freely admit their sinful humanity, and to always keep their eyes (and fingers) pointed to their awesome Savior.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 5:3

Abundant mercies

God is good. His mercies overflow. They really do. I am so thankful for the freedom that comes with yielding to Him. I so often resist His spirit. I resist the hard things in life. The things that might be painful, or that might hurt my pride, causing me to lay down my comfort or my "rights." But when I listen to His voice, when I reject the devil and his empty lies, when I stop looking only to protect me -- then freedom comes, beauty is evident, grace is there. That is when God's mercy flows, when He can truly work in and through me, and His love can pour out unobstructed onto others. Praise the Lord. It is not me, but only Him.

A few recent adventures...

The Creation Museum in Hebron, KY...

Then Teach them Diligently, Nashville...

Then back home to finish up Classical Conversations for this year...

And in the midst of all this, baby girl turned 6 months old:)

 

The gospel in the trenches

In case you haven't seen our family lately, with 4 wild boys running circles around us and one sweet girl stealing all of our affections, we are in the trenches. The trenches of parenting. Five kids under 8 years old. It is not easy. And then add a little homeschooling to the mix, meaning we're together all. the. time. Our days are full, and they are blessed :)

This parenting thing is hard. There is so much to learn. We recently went to a Christian homeschool conference. It was a much needed dose of encouragement, but it was also very challenging and somewhat convicting. The Lord really seems to be impressing upon my heart this idea of 'living the gospel' in our home. What does that look like? What does that even mean?

We of course want our children to know God above all else that we will ever teach them. To know his goodness, his mercy, his love. To be steeped in the truth of His word, and armed for the spiritual battle that awaits them in this world. But how do we teach them day in and day out that it all boils down to the gospel, that everything points to Jesus and what he has done for us.

The gospel is the simple truth that we are all wretched sinners and yet we all have access to an amazing and perfect Savior, simply because of His love for us. It is the ultimate good news. I always learned it growing up as grace, our completely free gift from God, that we did nothing and will never do anything to earn.

What I think the Lord is teaching me now is to go deeper into the freedom the gospel brings. The freedom to love. Without condition. To let go of the expectations I place on myself, or those around me. To trust in the completeness of the gospel.

When my kids argue constantly, or they are disrespectful, when they hit or scream or grab or kick, when they ignore or willfully disobey what I've asked them to do. How do I show them the gospel then? How do I love them then? What about when my selfishness creeps in? When I'd rather have a clean house or a good-looking family on the outside, than truly look at what is going on in hearts on the inside? These are the real moments. The ones I live out all the time, every single day.

I don't yet know exactly what 'living the gospel' in our home means. I desperately want to keep learning, though. I think much of it comes down to love. And grace. Keeping calm more, flying off the handle a lot less. Freedom to believe that Jesus' sacrifice truly is enough to cover over everything. My wretched sin, my husband's, that of my kids. Everybody. Reminding myself of that in each moment, every day. Trusting His sacrifice on the cross to be enough.

I want to love Jesus with reckless abandon, and because I am humbled that he would save a sinner like me, seek to love and serve those around me like that too. Living the gospel.

"God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

Praying Women

So I don't do social media, and I don't really follow how many people actually read my blog, but I want to put this out there for whoever might cross this path.

God is up to something big. Something big in the hearts of women who long to seek Him, to worship Him, to believe Him. He is at work, drawing us in, changing hearts and lives all around us. Prayer is powerful. Prayer is vital. Prayer is a gift.

So, click the link below and be blessed...

http://millionprayingwomen.com/

Surrender leads to victory

Littlest boy crossed a big milestone this week. We had to say good-bye to the trusted friend, the "pa-pa."

 

I know it's just a pacifier, and this too shall pass, ever so quickly. But it's been hard! I have felt myself feeling just as anxious and distraught as he has at times. It is hard to watch your baby go through emotional turmoil, even knowing this is a necessary thing to bring him to a better place. Knowing that he has to surrender in order to gain victory. The victory for now might just be a broken cycle of addiction to a teeth-altering plastic thing, but one day the battles will be much harder and the victories will be even sweeter.

I just want this little boy to know that I am fighting for him in the only way I can, on my knees. I remember laying on the floor in his room as an infant, crying out to the Lord to "quiet him with His love" (Zeph. 3:17)...and now outside his room pleading with the Lord to fill him with peace, contentment, and a tangible dose of His presence...and one day I'm sure I'll be battling it in the quiet, asking God to equip him with all he needs to face the many trials of this world. Asking God to help this boy surrender, that he may allow the Holy Spirit to teach him and guide him in all truth and righteousness, that he may gain the victory that has already been won.

 

Yes, I know this time it was just a pacifier. And thankfully he's already made strides this week in letting it go. But Lord may I continue to fight the battles for this boy, and all my children, in faithful prayer to you. Help me to surrender, trusting you to bring the victory.