Don't want to miss it

Last night I felt a little bit fried. That pretty much sums it up. This week was hard. I'll admit it. I could sugar-coat our life right now and say we are the quintessential homeschool family, all singing hymns together around the piano to start our day, with a beautiful baby sleeping contentedly in a bassinet nearby. But in actuality when we've tried to incorporate some hymns on occasion, it usually ends up with a child banging the piano keys, another one jumping off the nearby chair, and a boy wrestling his brother to get back a toy or be the one who gets to sit on the piano bench. Sometimes there is singing.

The point is, it's not ideal. Not quintessential. But it's our life.

This week there were fights about school. There were brand new Christmas toys that were destroyed by a toddler, and an entire tupperware of kidney beans spilled all over the floor. There was a crying baby fighting her naps. There was much discipline for rudeness and disrespect.

There was also the joy of first baby laughs. Boys playing superhero all together. Boys excited to do a science project with daddy. A spontaneous walk to the playground. 'Ice skating' in the back yard. Lots of game playing. And some sweet cuddles too.

I am tired. I don't get much of a "break" by the world's standards. But I am thankful. This is my life. The ugly and the beautiful. I want to hold open my hands and say "yes" to all the Lord has. All that he is teaching me, though sometimes it is through the hard stuff. I want to look at my children and see the wonder, the miracle that they really are, underneath all that flesh. After all, that is how He sees me.

Even if I feel fried every now and then...I don't want to miss this.

 

"God is faithful." ~1 Cor. 1:9

 

Blessing among the messing...

Five kids make lots of messes. Five kids at home every day~playing and eating and crafting and (hopefully) learning~they make lots of messes. I was sitting there at the kitchen table one morning recently, just reflecting on my life. And I just thought, "wow." Here's a little glimpse.

So our school day usually starts around 9:30. By about 10:00 today, this is what was going on. One boy was cutting things out and was supposed to then glue them on a paper to make patterns. Another boy was writing something and about to draw a picture. Another was supposed to be doing a math activity. The youngest was having a snack. And the baby slept in the swing. Flash forward 5 minutes. Baby wakes up crying, not done napping. Paci game starts. Two year old wants to sit on my lap as I work with 4 year old on the cutting thing. His snack falls on the floor. He cries, but gets down to try to pick it up and pick off enough dog hair to be able to eat it anyway. He whines because he wants me to help him. Oldest is not doing math, but instead playing with his pencil and singing loudly about koalas. Other boy complains because I still haven't checked his writing. Baby doesn't stop spitting her paci out, so I decide to hold her. Turn around and 4 year old is now opening the stapler and trying to figure out how it works. Staples all over floor, along with paper scraps from cutting. I remind all to stay on task (probably in a voice that was too loud). My head starts spinning as everyone is asking for help in some way. There's paper and pencils and books and crayons and scissors and glue everywhere. I remember I need a snack, and more coffee...and a load of laundry needs to go in. Oh, and the dishes from breakfast still sit on the counter, oatmeal pasted to the bowls by now. So I sit down, breathe in the sweet baby head smell, and look out the window at the bright blue sky, thanking God amidst the loudness and mess. I look around. Wow. What a mess.

This is my life. It's hard, it's messy, it's loud, it's overwhelming. But isn't that what He came for? God came down to this earth to show me that He loves me that much. To take every burden, every mess. To mend broken things. To be here with me in the mess. To show me how to depend on Him, how to breathe in the blessings no matter how life swirls crazy around me.

Thank you, Savior...thank you, Jesus.

Heart Overflow

I have been reflecting on the goodness of God. He doesn't always choose to bless me in ways I might think of blessing, in my humanity. In other words, in God's kingdom, blessing does not equal happiness all the time...or maybe even most of the time. Blessing can come in the form of brokenness and pain that ultimately draws me to my need for a Savior, which is the ultimate joy. Every once in a while, though, God in His mercy shows himself in just an amazing way, and I truly do just feel happy as a result. My heart overflows.

Baby girl is 2 months old now. She is just a crazy cute little blessing. A sweet disposition. A fantastic sleeper. A content baby. It's amazing. I was hit with the realization a couple weeks ago that she is an unbelievable answer to prayer. Truly a product of the Lord giving us a desire of our hearts. Truly a testimony to his faithfulness. I am incredibly humbled and thankful.

I often get the comment from people, "Now you can stop having kids. You got your girl." No offense to anyone who has said this, but I hate that comment. Yes, this little girl was specifically prayed for and we are so excited to have her. But I prayed that boys #3 & 4 would be girls too! I always thought I just could not handle a whole house full of crazy boy-ness. God in his wisdom answered those prayers with a no, and I'm so glad he did, as we could not be the family we are without each one of these unique, energetic, precious boys.

I heard my wise pastor say something that really resonated with me this week:

The reason God asks you to do something is specifically because he knows you can't do it.

In this season, I am frequently reminded that I can't. I can't be a good mom to this many boys, I can't homeschool them all, I can't keep up with the messes and laundry...Lord, help me, I can't lead them to Him. But He calls me to do all of this so that He can do what He does best--be God!

We did not "keep having kids" until we got the perfect, angelic little girl (which I know she is not, though it may seem so at times right now :). I just want to be faithful to Him, thanking Him along the way for each unique child he has created for His purposes. The Lord is building this family, and he has used the "trials" of a few feelings of disappointment to draw me closer and teach me that He is the giver of good gifts, the one who lines my desires up with His.

I am so thankful that Hannah is who she is, yet I am also just overwhelmed with the goodness of God, that he would care so much to give me exactly what He knows I need, at exactly the moment when I truly need it. I guess I really have no idea what I need, except that I need Him, all the time. I have done nothing to deserve such kindness and mercy.

 

The way they grow...and life with 5

The littlest boy turned 2 a month ago. Time really does fly. It's hard to believe he's the "giant" now that his baby sister has been born. He was the baby just yesterday. He is a rascal in every sense of the word, but also so incredibly cute. He loves to run around and be crazy with his brothers. He loves being outside. And he loves playing on any screen in sight (much to my dismay--yes, my 2 year old does already ask for "i pad time"). He's exploded with words, and he pretty much likes to narrate his life for anyone who will listen. He decided he likes to call me "mama" recently and he comes up and says "Mama, hold me." He is hard to resist :)

 

Our next boy turned 4 just a few days after his sister was born. He is a super fun loving, very observant little guy who loves to wear jammies all day every day. He can go from saying the most profound things to being the silliest kid around. He loves the color orange. And he loves to sing. He struggles a bit with being quiet (that's nothing new to this house!). He loves learning Bible verses or pretty much memorizing anything, and especially making up motions and songs to things. He loves to snuggle up and read a book with anyone who will read to him. He is our David, definitely one of a kind.

 

Life with five is an adventure for sure. There are many days where emotions run high. Brimming with thanksgiving and awe of the Lord's blessings in one moment, and the next feeling like I'm circling the drain, trying to come up for air as everything seems to be just too hard and too much. Let's just say any quiet time--no matter how long each day--is much appreciated and necessary in this house! But God has faithfully shown himself to be so merciful in the overwhelming moments. He has met me every time. Sometimes it's been harder to see, but he's always showing up. Like just this week in Psalm 119 he showed me how he rescued, redeemed and revived me through the power of Jesus. But also how he continues to rescue, redeem and revive me in the daily moments of my life, as I cry out to him and speak his truth into seemingly hopeless situations. Sometimes all I can do is cry out, "Lord, help me." And I'm learning more and more to follow that up with a statement of truth, like "Lord I know you're near." or "You are my rock. You are giving me hope." His word is so relevant and so real. I am continually amazed.

I often get asked the question, "How do you do it?" Truly the only answer I have for that is "God's grace." Sounds churchy, but it's true. Period. There is no formula or explanation. I do not have it all (or anything) all figured out about mothering many little ones. I just have to live day to day dependent on His grace and seeking His face. I stumble and fail all the time. My heart's cry remains simply that I will faithfully point these little hearts to Jesus, somehow, in spite of my many failures.

Praise Him, for he truly is the one from whom all blessings flow.

 

 

Suffering that brings Joy [lessons from labor & delivery]

To our newest blessing, our daughter, Hannah Grace. You already are bringing so much joy to our family. You are so loved. God formed you perfectly in my womb. He brought you into this world. You were created for a purpose. Delight in Him. He is your rock.

When Mommy was in labor with you, God reminded me of an important truth of this life. Labor and birth are actually the hardest, most physically painful thing I have ever experienced on this earth. It is actually not very fun. But it is necessary when you are 40 weeks pregnant! During your labor one week ago, I tried so hard to focus on the joy to come. Truthfully, though, in the moments, I sometimes felt like giving up. It felt like I was suffering. It was hard to remember true things. Thankfully I had your daddy reminding me that God was there, even when I didn't feel His hand. I had God reminding me, through so many little details of the day, that he was indeed there, and that He was my rock, always faithful. I got impatient at times, ready for the end of the pain to come. But again I was reminded to wait and trust. It is faith that pleases God. As I would rest in that, He cared for me and He cared for you. He brought us through. Step by step. Through the waves that seemed to be crashing over my head at times, God brought us through. And Joy came! The moment you were born was pure relief and joy. All I could say was, "Thank you, Jesus."

This is like life, dear Hannah. There is so much joy to be had, but there is also pain. There is dissappointment. There is heartache. There is suffering. Jesus himself said "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33) Cling to that promise. Hold on to the Lord more than you hold onto anything else in this world. Even when the suffering comes, and when we do not understand why it is necessary. Even when we can't see the joy that will come. Keep walking, step by step, in faith. He will always be your rock. Grace will always be there.

Hannah's Prayer (1 Samuel 2:1-10)

"My heart rejoices in the Lord; in the Lord my horn is lifted high. My mouth boasts over my enemies, for I delight in your deliverance.

There is no one holy like the Lord; there is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God..."

 

In the waiting...

I admit. I thought I'd be holding a newborn baby in my arms by today. But I'm not. I know God's timing is absolutely perfect. And I am one of those weird people who actually enjoys being pregnant (mostly), but I guess it's just an expectation thing. Thinking things would be one way, and then finding out that God's plan was not exactly lined up with mine. He shows me yet again that it is actually supposed to be the other way around!

Seasons of waiting are not easy. Waiting for the Lord to work. Knowing he is always at work. In a thousand ways, in a thousand things happening that we don't even see right around us right now. I'm thankful for the Lord's protection in these times. I know I've seen it in my past. His faithfulness when I was discouraged by a season of waiting. Maybe right now He just knows I need one more full night's sleep, or that my husband does! Or maybe one of these little boys needs another moment with mommy all his own. Who knows.

Even amidst the more trying days lately, when the devil tries to get me down in various ways, I've seen God pulling me toward himself, pointing my gaze upward, reminding me of His grace that surrounds.

And so we wait...and one day (or night) soon, we will meet this little miracle that seems so cozy to just stay right here in my belly:)

 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

"Wait for the Lord. Be strong, and let your heart take courage. Wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14

 

Delight vs. Duty

What do I really enjoy? What are the "pleasures" of this life that I spend time thinking about or trying to obtain? Who do I really enjoy?

These are questions I've been challenged with recently. It has been really convicting. The first principle of the Westminster shorter catechism states that "Man's chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever." Last spring we taught our older boys that truth. Today I am realizing I'm not sure I know how to enjoy God, and I desperately am seeking to learn more.

When I think of my "bent" in life, it is to serve, to do. Give me a list and I'll make those checkboxes and get it done. Tell me how to help someone in a tangible way and I'm there. Give me something to clean, and though I may not love the process, I'll sure feel that sense of accomplishment when I'm done. Give me something to learn or to know, and I'll get a coffee and dive into some books.

Though there is nothing wrong with how God made me (and many others) to enjoy serving and doing, I think he is trying to teach me that what I know about him is meant to affect me in a feeling kind of way. What I do to serve Him is meant to be connected to my desire for God, as a form of worship and enjoyment of Him.

And this concept spills over into my family. As I came home from hearing a message about this topic the other night at Bible study, I was hit with the reality. I went to tuck in my kids one last time before I headed to bed, and I realized that when I'm in their rooms I usually pick up a couple things, straighten their sheets and pillows, and make sure their feet are covered nicely. I don't always take the moment to just put my face by their face and whisper love or a prayer over them, or even just to hear them breathe, thankful they are there. Though I have done that before, it's not my tendency. That reality struck a cord. I want to enjoy my kids. I want them to see that I enjoy them and that I want to be with them, not just to serve them and take care of them, which is my "duty" as their mother.

I don't write about this because I have the answer. Like I said, I'm wrestling with it. Praying that God will teach me how to enjoy Him more, that He will give me a greater sense of what it means to truly love Him, and not just the gifts that He gives.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." ~Psalm 37:4

"I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God..." ~Isaiah 61:10

I think kids probably know how to enjoy God better than grown-ups. Maybe because they're not bogged down by the weight of this world. I don't know.

Lord, may I learn to enjoy you, to delight in you, to love you more. And may I also learn how to do that better with my husband and my kids.