Parental gem mining {moments of brilliance}

This parenting thing is hard. And in this house we seem to go through seasons where it feels like it's truly kicking our tail! Thankfully, I think we are slowly coming out of one of those now. Maybe a lot of the intensity of it had to do with sleep deprivation, but whatever the source, the enemy was frequently trying to use it to bring us down, to make us wonder if we were doing anything right. But God... He's constantly working, and constantly refining. When we open our eyes, we can see the blessings, always there, just sometimes in disguise. Like a gem waiting to be discovered under the dirt and grime.

We recently discovered that Jack is wired for responsibility. Imagine that! God designed him to be the biggest brother in not a small family. And He has equipped him to help care for his little brothers. We've seen that it gives him some sense of purpose, and he even seems to enjoy it. We got advice from some friends about a month ago to let the oldest dress the youngest sometimes, even at their young ages. And so we tried it one day and asked him to dress David, and lo and behold, he could do it, and well! He even put a diaper on him. So now it's become a semi-regular occurence. And most of the time they end up having fun in the process...or Jack ends up learning how frustrating it can be when someone chooses not to listen. Both outcomes work in our favor (usually). And when he's just having a bad day, we've discovered that giving him a task like helping feed the baby, helps bring him out a little bit and get him thinking about something other than his own comfort for the moment. It's been a beautiful thing to see, and a nice help to me too ;)

Luke's moment of brilliance came to me about a week and a half ago when I took him out on a "date." I know he is mostly an upbeat child, but it just hit me that he is just plain excited about life. It is not hard to get him all out enthusiastic about something. He tends to just jump right in. I mean, our date was consisted of a little cup of ice cream & some shopping, and you would've thought I was taking him to see the Super Bowl! Every Friday since he started playing soccer this season, he asks me what time his game will be the next day, and then he tells me that he wishes he was in the car already on the way there because he loves to play soccer SO much. And when he talks about how much he loves his baby brother, he cannot contain himself. He loves him SO much, he says, that he even wants to sleep in his crib with him! It's a blessing to see this boy be so excited about life. May it always be to the glory of God.

David is just plain funny. He is such his own person, we could never fit him into a mold. He also has an amazing excitement about life. He just makes us laugh. One of those rough parenting moments recently was occurring around dinnertime, as is common in a house with young ones. And after disciplining someone for getting out of their chair, and someone else for not eating and being rude, we look over and David decided to put his shirt like this. I don't think we knew whether to laugh or cry. We decided laughing would be the better option. We're thankful for the way God has wired him to lighten things up when things are getting a little too serious around here.

Joshua learned how to sleep this week!!! There is no explanation, nothing different we did. It is absolutely to the glory of God alone. Our prayer for many weeks now, every night laying hands on his little head, is that the Lord will teach him how to sleep and get the rest his body needs. Relinquishing control. We tried everything we could possibly have done...and then we just let go. And slowly, over the past week or so, the wakings decreased, the crying became less, and 2 nights ago he actually slept an entire 11 hours straight! Now that's a moment of brilliance if we've ever seen one :) Praise God!

Gratitude and pity parties

Yesterday was Mother's Day. It was a beautiful, dreary day where we live, and I awoke to handmade cards and other wonderful gifts from the boys (and man) that I love. It started off good. There wasn't even any discipline involved in the first hour or so of them being awake! So many blessings.

Later in the day, though, I started to go within. Something prompted me to remember a difficult moment in the past, and something else prompted me to feel overwhelmed and a bit forgotten, and then it spiraled from there. A pity party. Call it what it was. And before I knew it I needed to just escape for a breath of fresh air.

So that's what I did. It was nothing brought on by anyone else. I have every reason in the world to feel loved and blessed by my children and my husband. It was just me. (And some hormones, if I'm totally honest). I drove and I sung, and I talked on the phone. First to my grandmother, who was so optimistic and encouraging, even though her circumstances had her in a hospital bed yesterday. She laughed as she told me that one year one of her sons got her a strainer for Mother's Day. And I talked to my mom, who knew immediately that I was a bit down (can't hide anything from her!). She also encouraged with strong words of truth, and prayed over me. Then I perused over some flowers and fruit at the Farmer's Market. Then I went to the grocery store. Alone.

When I finally felt like I could breathe wasn't even after all of that, though. It wasn't even the moment I walked in the door again and their faces lit up as they said, "Mommy!" It was when I realized I needed to count them up. The baby's soft coos as I laid him in bed made me think of it.

I sat, and I picked up a pen and my journal (that has gotten a little too dusty), and I counted them out. Backwards. From the end of the day to the beginning. I counted blessings. Gratitudes. The many gifts seen in that one day. And I wrote. And I wrote. And something lifted. It was like I felt the sun starting to shine through the dreary clouds.

Even though I knew I had a ton to be thankful for, I needed to will myself to take action about it. To look outside of myself. To write them out, one by one. The many grace-gifts He gives. When I looked back over it I realized, even in a little Mother's Day pity party, God cared. He was reaching down, blessing me, gently orchestrating things that would point me to Him. To the truth...that God never forgets His children.

I am blessed. I am thankful. God is grace.

On sleep and Joy and figuring it all out

Trials really do tend to just fall into our laps sometimes. It could be an extreme example, like a death or illness of a someone close, or it could be a more minor example, like losing a little sleep. The latter is a "trial" we've been facing around here these days. And there's been a lot of crying.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds..." ~James 1:2

Count it all joy. I've always thought this verse was a bit hard to swallow. I want to be joyful all the time. But really? To consider a trial joy? Aren't we just supposed to wade through the trials, in survival mode, until they blow over and we can get to the other side? Aren't we supposed to seek comfort when we're down, in any form that it comes. Seek something that will ease the pain, or at least distract us for a while? That's what I often try to do.

Tom & I were just talking the other day about how it's funny that even in our small-by-comparison trial of the moment, we try to figure it out. We ask why. Why is God allowing us to go through this sleep-deprived time that seems to have no end (really we know it does)? What is he trying to teach us? We scour every possible solution and try to just figure it out. The default questions for any of the hard stuff in life. Why is this happening? And how can can I fix it?

Maybe figuring it out is not what God intends for us to do. His ways are too much for us to wrap our human minds around. He is totally beyond our comprehension. He is that big.

That basic temptation that Eve gave in to in the Garden, of gaining the "knowledge of good and evil," is what leads to this perpetual seeking of the "whys" to all things. This world believes that knowledge is power. Knowledge is the ultimate thing to gain. But what if it's not. What if unwavering faith is actually the most powerful thing. Faith that believes that God is God and He is always working all things together for our good and His glory. All things. Always. And we don't even have to figure out what "for our good" means, because He will bring it. He will teach us. We just have to open ourselves up to believe and then receive.

Whatever trial we are undergoing at any given time, mastering it might not be the goal. Willfully choosing to gain the Joy that God intends through the trial, while trusting Him to be at work. Maybe that's the goal. Ultimately it's about faith. Surrender. To a perfect God. At work in our imperfect world. For our good. His glory. Amen.

So you've decided to WHAT?!

Life is full of decisions. Big ones, small ones, seemingly insignificant ones, monumental ones. Lots of choices. I believe God is over them all. He is completely sovereign. There is nothing too small for him to care about or be involved in. There is nothing too big for him to handle.

Recently, we went down the road of the "school decision" for next year. Our oldest will be 6 this summer. There are oh, so many different directions we could go for school. And none of them are wrong or bad ones. But the still, small voice kept tugging, whispering in our spirits what we should do. My husband heard it clearest first (which was nice, since he is the leader of our home ;). And then it followed with me. Through people, sermons, songs, and most of all just through God's word, He kept bringing up two words for me. Faith & Perseverance. "Step out on faith. Persevere through the difficult, knowing I am with you always." I think I was insecure at first about what I was hearing, not wanting to admit it might be about this, that I might be chosen to do this thing.

Homeschool.

Yes, we're crazy. Not exactly how I'd envisioned our life to look, not really something I ever thought we'd do, but that is where we are headed. We have been dabbling in it this year, embarking on adventures of learning, but not really admitting that this is actually what we were doing. Next year, Jack would officially be in Kindergarten, and Luke will be rising up. And the Lord is calling us to do this at home.

It will not be pretty. In fact, it is already pretty messy! I am not *naturally* a gifted teacher or an organizer-type. But that is not the point. We have 4 kids under age 6. We are not deciding to homeschool based on the ease of it or our ability to accomplish it. Literally the only reason is that we believe that God is calling us to do this. That it is right for our family, for right now. That we would be disobeying Him if we did not heed this call. We believe the Lord has something to teach all of us in this. That He is doing a work in us through this. It's about dying to self day in and day out, and obeying HIM by serving each other in this way. It's about taking the journey he is calling us to, walking by faith, and being refined and sanctified in the messy process.

The main reason for this post is not to convince anyone that our choice is right, or that theirs is not. There is no condemnation here! Not everyone is called to the same schooling decision, and the only thing that's "right" is what you and your family are called to do for that moment.

I'm actually posting this most of all to remind me of the why of all of this for us. When days are hard, I want to remember and be encouraged that this is a path God has led us down, and there is NO other logical reason. When I get asked, "You're going to do what?! How on earth? And...why?" I want to have an answer. And when I am falling into bed exhausted at the end of a long day, feeling like I might be failing at everything I'm attempting to do, I want to know that God is also the one who will give me the rest & renewal I need and prepare us to try it all over again tomorrow.

"Let us keep on running the race marked out for us."   ~Hebrews 12:1

The "race marked out" looks a bit different for everyone, but we are all running just the same. What decision might the Lord be calling you to in this season of life? When we ask & listen, He is always faithful to lead...even if it doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense!

Moments of Brilliance

Trying to continue on with intentionally recording those "rays of light" in this parenting journey...

Last week, Jack got his first real Bible. Well, all Bibles are real, but you know, the first one with mostly words, instead of mostly pictures...one that he can actually read himself...and one that contains every chapter and every verse that God ever breathed! It's been exciting. He loves to read it, which just touches our hearts, even when he should be going to sleep ;) We are eager for him to explore his faith, to deepen his understanding, and to hide more and more Truth in his little boy heart.

We had the pleasure of watching Easter unfold before Luke's very eyes this year. He just really took it all in and was so sensitive to everything going on and seemed to really start to understand what it means that Jesus died and rose again. In the past, the Resurrection Eggs have been something that weren't really allowed to land in Luke's not always-so-gentle hands, but this year he was eager to to open each one every day and tell the story over and over. It was sweet. Now there were still those times where he was fighting with his little brother for trying to take the spear and stab him with it (for example)...we are in real life here. But overall Easter was a really meaningful celebration this year for our family.

David is still 2 :) But praise the Lord, I was able to see something in him last week that has been an amazing realization about who God made him to be. He is incredibly tenderhearted. Sure, he can hit and kick and talk back like any toddler can, but he has a wonderful sense of others and he really does care. I know it's not like he just all of the sudden became this way, and it's definitely not anything I've done. But I honestly think God has opened our eyes to it recently to ease the burden a little of all the discipline that goes on in life with a 2 year old. It started one night when I was pulling a weed in the front yard and said "ouch" because I got pricked by a thorn..."Are you okay, mommy?" he came over and asked right away, without an ounce of hesitation. Then one morning his brother was in a very sour mood and had his food taken away from him because of some poor choices..."Don't take Jack's oatmeal, Daddy. He's hungry." he said. And again, when a friend fell to the ground on the playset, "Are you okay?" were the words out of David's mouth before anyone else even noticed it had happened. It was awesome! For most kids it seems it doesn't always come natural to be sensitive to those around them. But as I said, praise God that this little one has a heart that bends towards that. One thing less that this mama has to nag about!

Little Joshua has had a rough go of it the past few weeks. He's having a hard time sleeping well, and waking a lot in the night. But that's not really what I wanted to point out. It's a season. This, too, shall pass. He is growing fast. There is nothing compared to his sweet little smiles, and his laughs and "goo's." He is a true joy. And, though we'd like for his crying in the middle of the night to pass, we would not wish these days away. The Lord is always teaching, always refining. We've discovered it may actually not be about his crying at all, as much as it's about us laying down our own selfishness (even in exhaustion) and trusting in God's goodness despite the various trials of life. Count it all joy! That is our prayer. (James 1:2)

Win or Lose

A phrase I once heard in a movie has been mulling around in my brain lately. "If we win, we praise Him. If we lose, we praise Him."

There is a lot of opportunity in this life both to win and to lose. We win when we have a good day, when we feel confident and secure, when our kids listen and obey. We lose when we have a bad day, we fail over and over again, and the kids just seem to do everything the exact opposite of what we ask. I'd say that maybe this winning and losing is all subjective. It's all circumstance, and feelings. (Preaching to myself here) And it is nothing to stand on. Yet...it is real, and it remains that this is how life seems to go.

Raising these 4 little boys is the hardest thing I've ever done. There are not many "breaks" in my days. Not many moments to do anything for myself. But there are an abundance of moments to come to the end of myself. To be driven to my knees when, yet again, I realize I cannot do this on my own. I can't get through to them. I can't stay on top of the housework. I can't teach them how to be strong and confident in who God made them to be when I'm struggling with what that even means for myself.

When it comes down to it, win or lose, I want to choose to praise Him. Win or lose, I want to believe He loves me, just as I am.

My ultimate desire is to honor the Lord and what He did on the cross on my behalf. And may I strive (by His grace) to lead my children to do the same.

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us..." Romans 5:8

We can have HOPE

Today I'm guest-posting over at the MOB society, a place of encouragement and inspiration related to anything "boy." I am humbled that they accepted my post, as I am not a writer, but just a girl who has passion in her heart to see us all (and particularly her sons) walk a walk of purity with the God of the universe. Please click below to take a journey over there and discover some of my thoughts on having HOPE for our boys...