On sleep and Joy and figuring it all out

Trials really do tend to just fall into our laps sometimes. It could be an extreme example, like a death or illness of a someone close, or it could be a more minor example, like losing a little sleep. The latter is a "trial" we've been facing around here these days. And there's been a lot of crying.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds..." ~James 1:2

Count it all joy. I've always thought this verse was a bit hard to swallow. I want to be joyful all the time. But really? To consider a trial joy? Aren't we just supposed to wade through the trials, in survival mode, until they blow over and we can get to the other side? Aren't we supposed to seek comfort when we're down, in any form that it comes. Seek something that will ease the pain, or at least distract us for a while? That's what I often try to do.

Tom & I were just talking the other day about how it's funny that even in our small-by-comparison trial of the moment, we try to figure it out. We ask why. Why is God allowing us to go through this sleep-deprived time that seems to have no end (really we know it does)? What is he trying to teach us? We scour every possible solution and try to just figure it out. The default questions for any of the hard stuff in life. Why is this happening? And how can can I fix it?

Maybe figuring it out is not what God intends for us to do. His ways are too much for us to wrap our human minds around. He is totally beyond our comprehension. He is that big.

That basic temptation that Eve gave in to in the Garden, of gaining the "knowledge of good and evil," is what leads to this perpetual seeking of the "whys" to all things. This world believes that knowledge is power. Knowledge is the ultimate thing to gain. But what if it's not. What if unwavering faith is actually the most powerful thing. Faith that believes that God is God and He is always working all things together for our good and His glory. All things. Always. And we don't even have to figure out what "for our good" means, because He will bring it. He will teach us. We just have to open ourselves up to believe and then receive.

Whatever trial we are undergoing at any given time, mastering it might not be the goal. Willfully choosing to gain the Joy that God intends through the trial, while trusting Him to be at work. Maybe that's the goal. Ultimately it's about faith. Surrender. To a perfect God. At work in our imperfect world. For our good. His glory. Amen.

So you've decided to WHAT?!

Life is full of decisions. Big ones, small ones, seemingly insignificant ones, monumental ones. Lots of choices. I believe God is over them all. He is completely sovereign. There is nothing too small for him to care about or be involved in. There is nothing too big for him to handle.

Recently, we went down the road of the "school decision" for next year. Our oldest will be 6 this summer. There are oh, so many different directions we could go for school. And none of them are wrong or bad ones. But the still, small voice kept tugging, whispering in our spirits what we should do. My husband heard it clearest first (which was nice, since he is the leader of our home ;). And then it followed with me. Through people, sermons, songs, and most of all just through God's word, He kept bringing up two words for me. Faith & Perseverance. "Step out on faith. Persevere through the difficult, knowing I am with you always." I think I was insecure at first about what I was hearing, not wanting to admit it might be about this, that I might be chosen to do this thing.

Homeschool.

Yes, we're crazy. Not exactly how I'd envisioned our life to look, not really something I ever thought we'd do, but that is where we are headed. We have been dabbling in it this year, embarking on adventures of learning, but not really admitting that this is actually what we were doing. Next year, Jack would officially be in Kindergarten, and Luke will be rising up. And the Lord is calling us to do this at home.

It will not be pretty. In fact, it is already pretty messy! I am not *naturally* a gifted teacher or an organizer-type. But that is not the point. We have 4 kids under age 6. We are not deciding to homeschool based on the ease of it or our ability to accomplish it. Literally the only reason is that we believe that God is calling us to do this. That it is right for our family, for right now. That we would be disobeying Him if we did not heed this call. We believe the Lord has something to teach all of us in this. That He is doing a work in us through this. It's about dying to self day in and day out, and obeying HIM by serving each other in this way. It's about taking the journey he is calling us to, walking by faith, and being refined and sanctified in the messy process.

The main reason for this post is not to convince anyone that our choice is right, or that theirs is not. There is no condemnation here! Not everyone is called to the same schooling decision, and the only thing that's "right" is what you and your family are called to do for that moment.

I'm actually posting this most of all to remind me of the why of all of this for us. When days are hard, I want to remember and be encouraged that this is a path God has led us down, and there is NO other logical reason. When I get asked, "You're going to do what?! How on earth? And...why?" I want to have an answer. And when I am falling into bed exhausted at the end of a long day, feeling like I might be failing at everything I'm attempting to do, I want to know that God is also the one who will give me the rest & renewal I need and prepare us to try it all over again tomorrow.

"Let us keep on running the race marked out for us."   ~Hebrews 12:1

The "race marked out" looks a bit different for everyone, but we are all running just the same. What decision might the Lord be calling you to in this season of life? When we ask & listen, He is always faithful to lead...even if it doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense!

Moments of Brilliance

Trying to continue on with intentionally recording those "rays of light" in this parenting journey...

Last week, Jack got his first real Bible. Well, all Bibles are real, but you know, the first one with mostly words, instead of mostly pictures...one that he can actually read himself...and one that contains every chapter and every verse that God ever breathed! It's been exciting. He loves to read it, which just touches our hearts, even when he should be going to sleep ;) We are eager for him to explore his faith, to deepen his understanding, and to hide more and more Truth in his little boy heart.

We had the pleasure of watching Easter unfold before Luke's very eyes this year. He just really took it all in and was so sensitive to everything going on and seemed to really start to understand what it means that Jesus died and rose again. In the past, the Resurrection Eggs have been something that weren't really allowed to land in Luke's not always-so-gentle hands, but this year he was eager to to open each one every day and tell the story over and over. It was sweet. Now there were still those times where he was fighting with his little brother for trying to take the spear and stab him with it (for example)...we are in real life here. But overall Easter was a really meaningful celebration this year for our family.

David is still 2 :) But praise the Lord, I was able to see something in him last week that has been an amazing realization about who God made him to be. He is incredibly tenderhearted. Sure, he can hit and kick and talk back like any toddler can, but he has a wonderful sense of others and he really does care. I know it's not like he just all of the sudden became this way, and it's definitely not anything I've done. But I honestly think God has opened our eyes to it recently to ease the burden a little of all the discipline that goes on in life with a 2 year old. It started one night when I was pulling a weed in the front yard and said "ouch" because I got pricked by a thorn..."Are you okay, mommy?" he came over and asked right away, without an ounce of hesitation. Then one morning his brother was in a very sour mood and had his food taken away from him because of some poor choices..."Don't take Jack's oatmeal, Daddy. He's hungry." he said. And again, when a friend fell to the ground on the playset, "Are you okay?" were the words out of David's mouth before anyone else even noticed it had happened. It was awesome! For most kids it seems it doesn't always come natural to be sensitive to those around them. But as I said, praise God that this little one has a heart that bends towards that. One thing less that this mama has to nag about!

Little Joshua has had a rough go of it the past few weeks. He's having a hard time sleeping well, and waking a lot in the night. But that's not really what I wanted to point out. It's a season. This, too, shall pass. He is growing fast. There is nothing compared to his sweet little smiles, and his laughs and "goo's." He is a true joy. And, though we'd like for his crying in the middle of the night to pass, we would not wish these days away. The Lord is always teaching, always refining. We've discovered it may actually not be about his crying at all, as much as it's about us laying down our own selfishness (even in exhaustion) and trusting in God's goodness despite the various trials of life. Count it all joy! That is our prayer. (James 1:2)

Win or Lose

A phrase I once heard in a movie has been mulling around in my brain lately. "If we win, we praise Him. If we lose, we praise Him."

There is a lot of opportunity in this life both to win and to lose. We win when we have a good day, when we feel confident and secure, when our kids listen and obey. We lose when we have a bad day, we fail over and over again, and the kids just seem to do everything the exact opposite of what we ask. I'd say that maybe this winning and losing is all subjective. It's all circumstance, and feelings. (Preaching to myself here) And it is nothing to stand on. Yet...it is real, and it remains that this is how life seems to go.

Raising these 4 little boys is the hardest thing I've ever done. There are not many "breaks" in my days. Not many moments to do anything for myself. But there are an abundance of moments to come to the end of myself. To be driven to my knees when, yet again, I realize I cannot do this on my own. I can't get through to them. I can't stay on top of the housework. I can't teach them how to be strong and confident in who God made them to be when I'm struggling with what that even means for myself.

When it comes down to it, win or lose, I want to choose to praise Him. Win or lose, I want to believe He loves me, just as I am.

My ultimate desire is to honor the Lord and what He did on the cross on my behalf. And may I strive (by His grace) to lead my children to do the same.

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us..." Romans 5:8

We can have HOPE

Today I'm guest-posting over at the MOB society, a place of encouragement and inspiration related to anything "boy." I am humbled that they accepted my post, as I am not a writer, but just a girl who has passion in her heart to see us all (and particularly her sons) walk a walk of purity with the God of the universe. Please click below to take a journey over there and discover some of my thoughts on having HOPE for our boys...

Moments of Brilliance

I know I often write on here about the deeper issues. But I have begun to realize I'm not doing a very good job recording memories that bring us much joy in our home. Rays of light. "Moments of brilliance," as we refer to them. When at the end of a long day my husband and I can look at each other and say, "Something is getting through." Not because anyone is gaining intelligence necessarily, but because someone is obeying, someone is loving their brother, someone is just growing in who God made them to be. We are blessed to watch this happen in front of our eyes every day. It is a gift that we want and need to remember. So I'm going to start recording it here, hopefully a couple times a month. Some way that each boy is growing, by God's grace, and shining before us.

Jack has recently learned to read. The light switch came on! It was so neat to watch. As I am not a teacher, and have never had a 5 yr. old before, I've never really experienced that. After struggling through reading lessons, starting about a year ago, one day he finally seemed to like it (which came as a huge relief to me!)God truly just grew the desire in him to read, and he hasn't stopped since. It is precious when he will sit down with his brothers and they both look over his shoulder as he reads to them. It's a rare moment in this house of wild chaos, but a definite blessing!

Luke LOVES his baby brother! He loves to play with him, hold him, to help change him and feed him. Everything to do with baby J is of interest to him. Most days he can't seem to contain his affection for him...and sometimes he does squeeze him a bit too tight. But it is a beautiful thing to watch his care & love grow for another.

David is 2. Need I say more?! He is stubborn and independent and thinks he doesn't need a nap...all the things that push this mommy's buttons like crazy. But he is also a joy. He is hilarious actually. The way he plays and imagines things and runs around like a little crazy man is a great reminder of how I should take life less seriously. Just the other day he was talking (to himself) about Jesus in his heart, just matter-of factly. We pray that he will come to true salvation one day soon, and that his child-like faith will always be evident as he grows. Oh, and his hair is totally crazy and I love it :)

Joshua is growing into his own little 5 month old personality. His little cuddles and smiles are very often a means of Grace to me throughout the day. He just recently took up some real eating, and seems to like it. And he also has discovered his toes :)

Thank you, Lord, for these rays of light. Help us to remember on the tired and not-so-fun days that these boys are gracious gifts from above. Help us love them as you do. And may we honor you in how we train them up.

Pruning

"We all make mistakes, Mommy."

I was so gently reminded of this from our oldest boy a few nights ago, as I lectured the brothers on how they had not been making many good choices that day. Ouch. That's hard to hear when it's not coming from my own mouth.

I can tend to be pretty hard on myself, not real quick to have grace for this soul of mine. Sometimes I feel like I'm not that good at anything. One little failure, or some way that I'm not measuring up, can set me into a downward spiral that has the potential to ruin a whole day. I can get embarrassed easily and I can tend to shy away from things that take me out of my comfort zone. And I am beginning to see these things in my son...

I am learning that the apple truly does not fall too far from the tree, even at the young ages of our boys. They do the things we do. In many ways, they tend toward the weaknesses that plague us and are passionate about the things we're passionate about.

The other night I was brought comfort & hope about this very subject when we were reading our Lenten devotional and it was out of John 15. I was reminded of the pruning. Unless we allow the Lord to work with us, to cut off the "dead branches," we cannot bear fruit. Or at least we will not bear fruit at the quality that we could and should. The painful process of dealing with my "stuff" will yield good fruit...

Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-control.

Each day I can come closer to exhibiting these qualities, to yielding this fruit, if I let myself be pruned. Be reminded that I am not #1. Be reminded that even though that's true as far as how I should live, God still loves me as if I am his #1. Learn to give grace freely, to others and to myself. Release the attempts to control all that surrounds me.

If I remain in the vine, pressing deeper into the Lord, I can trust that He will not prune branches that don't need to go. He doesn't put me through something painful just because. He always has purpose in what he allows. He can heal all my hurts and turn my weakness into strength. He can make something beautiful appear from mere stumps.

It is hard to watch my child begin to look a bit like me. It's hard to watch his strongholds appear. But as I do, I am determined more and more to show him the love of our Savior, and our desperate need to remain in Him. I am determined to help him learn to overcome his weaknesses--as I am learning--and to allow the pruning, so that he can bear beautiful fruit.

"He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be more fruitful...Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine." ~John 15:2,4