Faith mixed with fear {It's all about Jesus}

Life is confusing. Life is hard. Some days I wonder what it would be like to walk around and not feel burdened when I see brokenness, hurting and sin. What is it like to think that this is all there is, this world? I'm not saying I take all the world's "wrong" on my shoulders. I know it is not my burden to bear. But it does affect my heart. I long for a day that it will all be made right. I long to be free from fears that affect my soul.

Walking out faith seems like the hardest thing to do. And it's not made easier by a grande pumpkin spice latte (though that is very yummy!). Where can I turn when I am down or discontent? Where should I go when I feel sad? Where can I run when I am mad? Who should I seek when I am afraid? There is only one sure answer.

I cannot explain why things happen the way they do. I cannot fix all the broken things. I cannot win all the battles that wage in my soul, or the souls of ones I love...as hard as I want to "try."

It all comes down to Jesus.

Some may think that answer and this message is too simple, too churchy, or maybe just too naive. But the only solid place I have ever found to go is to the Lord. He hears every cry, every prayer whispered. He speaks powerfully through his word and in his creation. The only way to discern his voice is to lay down myself and seek Him in surrender. This is what I want my kids to know.

Life is confusing, and we are messy people. But God is faithful and mighty and absolutely in control. No matter what.

I may battle fear mixed with doubt all my life (among many other things). But our God is bigger, and he is fighting for me. I just have to get out of the way and let him, even when it feels like I cannot see. That is Faith.

"The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace and remain at rest." ~Exodus 14:14

Turning 3!

It seems like yesterday this boy entered into this world, with a ton of dark hair on his head and a snuggly little body in my arms. Then a year passed...

Then two...





And now three...

And now he has since grown up to be wild! Much like his brothers...but with a little twist. This little one is his own boy. Gifted with humor and silliness, he can make anybody smile. He's almost always happy. We call him doodle and that suits him just fine. He loves to play outside and be with his brothers. He loves to read and imagine and defeat the bad guys. He loves the color orange. He loves lions, tigers, trains, oatmeal, peanut butter & jelly and bananas. His favorite songs are "Jesus loves me," "Joy to the World" and the timeline song (thanks to CC). Our lives would be dull without him. God knew what he was doing when he gave us David :)

Happy Birthday little guy. We love you!

Lessons from the beach

So we returned from a wonderful trip to the beach one week ago. The boys had the time of their lives. They were loving every minute of swimming, boogie boarding, digging in the sand, searching for sand creatures, and even playing with their pretend "hermit crab island" in the house when it was raining outside. Tom & I enjoyed the time to "just be" together, rather undistracted, and to enjoy God's creation and our family. And of course, while there, I pondered a few lessons I think God was teaching me (or reminding me of) along the way...

• Being thankful is a choice. Going to the grocery store while everyone else in the family puts their toes in the sand on the first beautiful evening is not the most fun, and neither is sitting in a house for hours without power, waiting to see if all the food we just bought for the week is about to spoil. But even in a grumbly state, I can pray, and I can see a mighty God change my heart and turn it toward the light, to see the bessing in the sunset as I drive over the bridge or the peace in the quiet stillness that exists during naptime in a house without power. He is good, and He always provides a way of gratitude, if I let him.

 

• There is beauty in the ordinary. Being away from home brings a simpler environment (usually). Less demands, Less distraction. More quality time. As we filled our days with running in the waves, building sand creations, catching fish, reading and taking naps, it reminded me to breathe. It made me wonder why or how I can spend so much energy feeling overwhelmed or frazzled when we're at home. Really, what do I have to worry about? "Do not be anxious...for your heavenly father cares for you, provides for you, protects you." (based on Matthew 6:25-32) I want the simple life, the ordinary life. To let peace rule in our home, NOT anxiety, worry, fear or frustration.

 

• I take my family for granted. The Lord has blessed me with this amazing family. My husband loves us with a passion. Our children are growing works in progress who are full of beauty, energy and joy. I want to treasure my moments with them. I want to put down the to-do list more and sit with them. I want to release the "mess" of my house and the disorder that looms, and be in their world more often. I realized when I ran & jumped in the ocean one day, the looks on my kids' faces showed that it seemed a bit out of character for mommy to have so much fun. They loved it! I want to enjoy them now. We are not guaranteed years, or even really days, but we have right now. The Lord has ordained this family for us to live and learn and laugh and love together--striving toward Him, and serving Him all the while. The days are sometimes hard, but they are treasures of God's weaving, that we can unlock together. I pray the Lord will help me see the treasure of my family more clearly and be able to enjoy them more fully.

 

• The waves may be bigger than us, but God is always bigger than the waves. This was a truth we talked about daily. This was really the first year that our kids really wanted to swim in the ocean. In past years they have been content in the little tidal pools, or just digging in the sand with the occasional jaunt down to fill up a bucket. We wanted them to respect the ocean, with its immense strength, yet not succumb in weakness or fear of what may happen, thinking that they are just creatures of chance who are not perfectly cared for by the God of the universe. We gave them (hopefully) wisdom about how far to go, and they wore their armor (life jackets), but ultimately they had to face it on their own. They had to test out the waters. Isn't that just like parenting? We have to equip them, train them, walk right beside them holding their hand for a while, and then ultimately let them go, trusting the Lord with them, by faith. Whatever they may face may seem bigger than them in a lot of ways, but God is always bigger and He is mighty to save.

 

 

 

 

 

Milestones

Jack lost his first tooth...

Luke learned to jump off a diving board...

David is potty trained...

And Joshua can stand up and cruise around!

It's been a busy couple months! Praise the Lord for growing boys :)

What lurks behind

Why do we ignore our true selves sometimes? Why do we hide behind the superficial? Why is it so hard to truly recieve that everyday grace that Christ rose from the grave to give us? Life Abundant. I have been praying for revelation. And I think He has shown me that it is fear that lurks behind. Not necessarily the life-threatening fear, but little fears that creep in slow and alter my behavior in such a sneaky way that I don't even realize what's going on. 


Fear of messing up these little lives 
Fear of not being the wife he signed up for
Fear of what "they" think of me
Fear of not fitting in
Fear of that other person making a poor choice because of something I fail to do
Fear of that circumstance if it doesn't work out "just so"
Fear of change
Fear of unknowns
Fear of them not seeing God because of me...


Here's an example of a recent time when I realized that fear was lurking. I was about to put the boys down for nap/rest times. One said he was still hungry and asked for something to eat. Then he found a cookie and wanted that. I said no [secretly deep down i have a fear that he might tend toward eating as a stronghold, and that one day he'll struggle with his weight or health because of it]. Then another child asks if he can have a quiet time instead of nap. I say no [i fear what he will be like at 6:00 when we're having friends for dinner if he does not sleep now]. Another child gets up soon after laying down and opens his door & goes potty as loudly as he can. I get angry with him [i fear the baby will wake up]. The baby wakes up after only an hour and I am extremely frustrated [i fear that he is not getting the rest he needs to be healthy...and he will also be a mess at 6:00].


Now these are all sort of silly examples from mommyhood, and I don't live there all the time. But if I truly think about it and become aware of what lurks underneath, I realize that things I do and say can be impacted greatly by these hidden fears. And this is not where freedom lies.

                                       * see photo note                                                   

I've recently been reading Emily Freeman's Grace for the Good Girl. Wow do I relate to her powerful message. More than I realized I would. I guess I've always tried to be that "good girl." In the book, Freeman says, "God's desire is that we live in freedom and drink from the wide, deep, powerful river of Life. The masks we hide behind keep us from experiencing the fullness of life the way we were meant to live it."


I want to live that freedom, experience that fullness. Lay it all down. All the masks. All the fears. Only His perfect Love can cast out fear. If I could truly let go with no strings [to the fear] and then hold on with reckless abandon [to the Hope...the Grace...to Jesus]. It is not just about what He died for, but also why He rose from the grave triumphant, victorious, full of Life. Ready to give life to those who believe. Not physical life, but spirit life. The kind that really matters.

"Jesus came to save me from myself...from my self-effort. He didn't just die for my sin to give me forgiveness; he rose again to give me life." ~Emily Freeman

I am realizing I cannot teach my children to recieve grace until I learn to do it myself. Until I lay down these earthly fears and worries that lurk behind and trust fully, daily in the One who can free me from them.  There is true rest in that faith. Receiving His grace for my failures. Letting his peace rule. Living in His righteousness and love. Not trying to create it with my own two hands.

*photo of a beautiful work of art given to me & originally made by the hands of a very dear friend, Lara Williams

VBS truths

We love Vacation Bible School! This past week we had the privilege of helping and participating in VBS at our church. It was truly a blessed time. I can't tell you how 'filled full' I felt as we would drive home in the car and the boys were belting out the songs, going crazy doing the motions in the back and in between songs eagerly telling each other what they did that day in their "tribes." The theme was a visit back to Babylon as we learned about Daniel's life in captivity, and how he truly did live out a life of faith despite some very difficult circumstances. 


Some of the truths we will hide in our hearts are:


 ~God is in control...Daniel had some major things change in his life and could have been very depressed about that, but he chose to stand firm on the Rock that never rolls, our Awesome God.
~He's only a prayer away...Maybe one of the lesser known stories about Daniel is that he was called on to interpret the King's dreams more than once, and he was told that if he couldn't tell him his dream and interpret it, he'd be cut into pieces. Great. So, that seems nearly impossible. But Daniel did what he knew to do, he called on God for help, and God absolutely revealed those hidden things of the King's dreams. Amazing! So then why is it so hard for me sometimes to believe He is helping me when I call on Him in my everyday?
~When we're afraid, He is with us...A few of Daniel's friends got thrown in a fire when they wouldn't bow down to a statue. But guess what? They didn't get burned at all. Not even a hair on their head was singed. God can do that with any of the fiery trials & fears that we face. We can come through them without even smelling like smoke.
~We're never actually alone...Daniel must have felt pretty alone a lot in his life, always choosing to remain faithful to the Lord, despite the opposition and temptation to "fit in" with the mainstream (or even just to do something out of fear of losing his life!). It does seem lonely in this world sometimes when we choose to live our lives for God. We are actually aliens--the Bible confirms that (1 Peter 2:11)! But our Lord will never forsake or abandon us. 
~Being thankful invites God's presence & blessing..."I'm sure Daniel was pretty thankful when he didn't get eaten by the lions." (said by Luke on the last night of VBS) The Bible says that Daniel "prospered" after every time he chose to trust God when he could have run the other way or just cowered into a heap on the floor out of discouragement. Choosing to trust, to abide, to watch and wait and expect His work in our lives is truly a place of rest, of thanksgiving, of Joy. 


We were thankful to be a part of such an amazing week. God is faithful! Now onto potty training this week...;)

Lyrics to live by

This is sort of random, but we have been listening to this song a lot this summer, and the words really speak to me. I don't want to forget them...

Audience of One
by: Michael Weaver (Big Daddy Weave)

I come on my knees to lay down before You
Bringing all that I am, longing only to know You
Seeking Your face and not only Your hand
I find You embracing me, just as I am
And I lift these songs To You and You alone
As I sing to You In my praises make Your home

To my audience of one
You are Father and You are Son
As your spirit flows free Let it find within me
A heart that beats to praise You

And now just to know You more
Has become my great reward
To see Your kingdom come
And Your will be done
I only desire to be Yours, Lord

So what could I bring to honor Your Majesty?
What song could I sing?
That would move the heart of royalty
And all that I have is the life that You've given me
So Lord, let me live for You, my song with humility

And Lord, as the love song Of my life is played
I have one desire
To bring glory to Your name

To my audience of one
You are Father and You are Son
As your spirit flows free
Let it find within me
A heart that beats to praise You

And now just to know You more
Has become my great reward
To see Your kingdom come
And Your will be done
I only desire to be Yours, Lord