Trust.

I've really been pondering this concept of Trust this past week. I guess it came up because I was studying the story of Abraham & Isaac in Genesis. You know, Abraham takes his son all the way up a mountain because God told him to, and he ties him to an altar, preparing to kill him as a sacrifice, because God told him to. What was he thinking?! Literally, what must have been going through Abraham's mind? The scene seems almost anticlimactic as we read it in scripture. He seems to be at peace about the whole thing. Can you imagine? Oh, how I would have been freaking out!! But Abraham completely trusts. Completely obeys. Does he know deep in his heart of hearts that God will not actually make him go through with killing his son? Perhaps. Or does he just know God. Does he just believe Him and take Him at His word? He is God Almighty, El Shaddai, Lord of Lords...He can do anything! And He will accomplish his purposes for his people. No one and no circumstance can shake our God.

As I read this story, I began to question events in my life where I supposedly was "trusting God". Events that rocked my life, and often left me doubting, wondering, "Who is this God? And where is He now?" I wish my trust were as firm as Abraham's. I pray, Lord, that you would increase my faith. Help me to trust more fully.

I once heard Angela Thomas describe faith as a chair, and we can choose whether to sit on the edge of it with our feet firmly planted (in our own strength). Or we can sit back fully, putting our whole weight into the Lord, believing He is who He says He is. I want to sit fully. I don't know about you, but I'm tired of trying to sit up straight on my own. My back hurts just thinking about it! I need the comfort of that chair of faith.

So as I ponder this, I guess it comes down to Grace. I don't deserve much of anything, in fact the truth is, I deserve death. Even if we don't see our sins as the 'biggees,' we all know deep down that we sin all day long. We are not perfect people. Neither was Abraham. But God gave him a hefty dose of grace that day on that mountain, I believe. And God helped him to believe, to trust, to put his weight fully in that chair and obey. Praise the Lord, that He gives me the grace to trust more & more each day, teaching me in every moment. May I pass on a legacy of leaning on that grace, of trusting in the One who enables us to Trust.

Prayer for my boys

Lord,

Boys are hard. Kids are hard. Sometimes I just wish you had added a little addendum to the bible called "How to parent." Sometimes I think I'm not cut out for this job. Did you really mean to entrust all these boys to my care? When the 4 yr. old lets loose and completely loses control in an angry rage, or the 2 yr. old jumps off the top of the couch again and lands with a big thud onto the floor, and then I discover the 11 mo. old chewing on a pencil... Are you sure you picked the right woman for this?

But this is the blessing you have given me. I praise you because you made me. I praise you because you made them. This is the thing you have and are preparing me for. One of the highest callings, people say. You are teaching me so much about love, grace, patience, peace. These are the things I pray for my boys.

I pray first of all that they would love you, Lord. May they be brought into this mystery of faith. This TRUTH that is the only thing that stands, when a world around them seems to ebb & flow with tragedy & joy constantly. May they have a desire for your Word. May they also desire to be part of something bigger than themselves. In a world that often looks to how to advance oneself or please oneself as the utmost important thing, may these boys stoop low and humble themselves before a powerful God. May they serve those who are in need, may they love those who to some seem unlovely. May they respect & be thankful for all of your creation.

You have made them boys, with all the hormones and all the dirt that goes into that. Protect them, God. I have learned already and I'm sure I will continue to learn that I just cannot do that on my own. Despite my best efforts with car seats and helmets and hand sanitizer, you are their shield. You protect them. Help me to trust in that.

Protect their little hearts and spirits also, God. May they be shielded from the harshness of this world until they are ready to hear of it. May they walk firm in your truth as their foundation no matter what choices they must make, or circumstance they may find themselves in. May your Spirit guide them. Keep them pure, Lord. Again, I cannot do that. You are their purity, and you know already the choices they will make. I pray they will be convicted and turn quickly to you at every mistake. Redeem them. Free them from chains that bind.

Now as I hear their little feet approaching, I just ask for a fresh filling of your Spirit in me, Lord. As I face this day, may I be filled with your love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. May it overflow on these precious little beings that you have entrusted to my care. They are yours, Lord. Thank you for helping me refocus on that this day. Amen.

Update

In honor of the month of this little one's birth, I thought it appropriate to show some of his latest favorite things... Standing up on anything & everything. He's on his way to walking...watch out!


Playing with the dogs

"Helping" with the dishes

Mommy's phone

(he loves all phones...not ideal, but it can be a GREAT distraction!!)

And swinging :)

Notice: almost none of the above things cost any money...and why do we have all these toys again?!

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And here are these brothers enjoying some time in the backyard...

And, lastly, yesterday was Jack's first day of preschool...think he's excited?!

Alone with my thoughts

This has been a restful weekend. A lot of time alone with the boys at home. A lot of time just tooling around outside as the beginnings of fall are in the air. And reading on the couch with my hubby watching the football games in the background. It's been nice. It's in these times that I have a lot of time to think. A friend of mine once brought to my attention how being a mom sometimes can seem so lonely, even though we are almost never actually alone. So funny, yet so true.

So alone with my thoughts many things have gone through my mind. There have been moments when I've felt at the end of my rope. No one seems to hear, or even notice that I am here. But He sees. Then there have been times where I've wished they could understand how truly blessed they are. Wished they could understand what it means to be grateful, not always asking for more before even finishing with what they have. He probably wishes that of me too. Times where I've repeatedly asked them to stop doing something, yet they continue on as if I am invisible and silent. And then they run crying to me when they fall and hurt themselves because they didn't heed my warning. How many times has he had to do that for me? There have been times where the big question is 'how much longer...until we can go outside, or until we have to go to bed.' The answer varies, from 2, 5 or 10 minutes, or my personal favorite, 'septeen' (spoken by a 4 yr. old). It just makes me think about how only His timing is perfect. And there have been moments of brilliance like when they got their allowance yesterday and Jack's first words were "I've got to give the first dollar back to God!" How he must smile when we really do get it--we are blessed when we obey!


This journey through motherhood I often do feel quite alone, but I am comforted by the fact that my heavenly Father always hears me, always attends to me. He is my audience of one. It is these sweet reminders of my relationship with him that bring a smile or sigh in a moment where it seems that no one notices.

defeat and Victory.

So today I awoke with Joy. I know I always have joy in being a follower of Christ, but today I really felt it. It was going to be a good day. I had the illusion of having it all "under control." That's usually how it starts. I have to admit I'm sort of putting myself out there to talk about this. I definitely feel it's a pretty raw & honest subject. But something told me this morning that I should share these struggles.

I'm talking about my cycle of defeat. I believe there is an enemy in this world. The enemy. One who knows who God is and wants to do everything he can to thwart his plans and turn his people from truth to deceit. He's cunning. In this cycle I speak of for my life, it often goes from me thinking things are going great, which is a good thing, a blessing from God...and then the enemy tries to twist it just a little, just so I think that I have something to do with things going well...that I have control...giving myself the glory...it's called pride. Usually when a sentence has quite a few "I's" or "me's" in it in my head, it indicates some sort of pride for me.

So I go from blessing to pride to seeking perfection to perfection being destroyed (enter in a child who so easily--and somewhat innocently--can dash our "perfect" hopes), then I might get angry at said person, then I feel guilty, then I can place blame on pretty much anything other than myself, then I feel more guilty...then comes the depressed feelings--I think I am a horrible person, mom, wife, friend, blah, blah, blah. Then I am defeated!!!! It's a vicious cycle.

Then comes grace. Last spring our women's group at church did a bible study called "Believing God" by Beth Moore. It was awesome and life-changing. I recall many things from that study often, and coin the phrase "I'm believing God" in my head and heart frequently when Satan tries to attack. This cycle I'm talking about actually came out on paper in that study when she asked us to map out what that looked like in our lives. I believe everyone has some cycle of defeat. It may not look the same as someone else's, but the enemy knows the ways to get to us & try to draw us away from truth.

The truth is the victory is already won!!! When we believe God, we can turn our defeated cycle into a victorious one. When I have a morning like I did today, that looks something like this:

The depressed feelings come. I don't really feel like praying; I don't even feel like I'm worthy of talking to God sometimes at that point. Why wouldn't he just give up on me by now? I don't learn. I keep messing up. But wait! He created me. I am fearfully & wonderfully made. He has great plans for my life. He works all things together for good. He who began this good work will carry it on to completion. The victory is in Him. The devil has no power over Jesus. "In this world we will have trouble, but take heart! I [Jesus] have overcome the world." (John 16:33)


In this house there is a lot of talk of swords & fighting, as you can imagine. One thing I want to instill in these boys is that this instinct of life being a "fight" is absolutely true in a spiritual sense. We can choose to let defeat overcome us, or we can claim victory in the Lord & wield our "sword of the spirit" against the evil one. We cannot do this on our own. Despite our best efforts, trying to pull ourselves out of the pit just never really works. Our sword is God's word. (Ephesians 6) It is powerful. Our shield is our faith. He will not fail us. BELIEVE Him! (preaching to myself)


So that's what I do when that cycle creeps in. I will repeat again: I cannot do this on my own! I have to pray. I have to turn toward Truth! Many times I have had to have my husband or a friend point me to it. I thank God that he uses them to do that. And sometimes I have just said out loud, "Devil flee!! You have no place here. In the name of Jesus." I know to some that may sound hokey, but I'm telling you I have seen it work!!! There is power in the name of our Lord.


What is your cycle of defeat? How do you change that cycle? I pray that somehow you are blessed this day in knowing you are not alone if you do struggle like this. There is Victory. There is Grace. Praise Him.

Lessons from a bike ride

So we decided to embark on a bike ride the other day. It was beautiful and sunny and, as you can imagine, 2 energetic boys were raring to get outside and go. The thing is, that particular day the boys just did not have their hearts in the ride. We were on a different trail than we'd been on before, and they were--to put it bluntly--being slow. Luke was at least pedaling, but Jack was really lagging behind and kept saying he was about to go fast when approaching a minuscule "hill" so then he would brake. I think all this stemmed from a few weeks ago when Jack had a certain incident with a light pole in our neighborhood; he just hasn't ridden the same since. But all this to say that our little jaunt in the woods made me think on some interesting concepts about life and God. Here are some of the things we found ourselves saying...

• Don't be afraid


• Keep your eyes on the path ahead of YOU (not on the person beside or behind you)


• Keep pedaling--even on the hills


• Don't give up


• You CAN do it (through Christ)


• Watch out for other people


• You have to steer (take a step of faith)


• I am right next to you


• I won't let you fall (or when you do, I'll pick you back up again)


• We're almost there

I don't know. Maybe there's not as much theology on the bike trail as I think. But it made me think that day. It made me think about how God is with us, coaching us, all along this path of life. He truly does care about every direction we go. He guides us (when we listen). He saves us. He changes us.

Maybe next time the bike ride will be a little bit easier. Soon I'm sure they won't want us to walk beside them for that extra security. So I'll enjoy it now. But I do hope they always know that they are never alone in this world. Never alone.

In other news...

Luke is potty trained!!!