His grace is sufficient

I had one of the worst mornings I've had in a while today. Ended up a broken mess on the floor. Overwhelmed, feeling unloved, disrespected, like nothing is working. Wanting to quit. And none of my boys even noticed.

Yet my God met me there. It was actually an awesome moment (though it didn't feel like it at the time). I just cried out to the Lord. Desperate. And honest. I felt His presence meet me there. Like a gentle touch, telling me it would be okay. He picked me up and helped me go on. He showed me that "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26).

I felt like He also nudged me in the direction of my sons. Yes, it would have been nice if they all ran after their mama, so in tune with my emotions, asking what was wrong, apologizing for whatever they did wrong, offering to ease my burdens... But they are little boys. They don't know how to do that. They saw me hurting, I am pretty sure of that, but they did not know how to handle it. So they did what little boys do. They made jokes and played and took the opportunity to go outside.

These little people are hard to love sometimes. It's hard to give to them constantly, even to have it feel like they are walking all over me a lot of the time. It is hard to be reminded so often that the selfishness I see in them, is also very evident in me. I am thankful, though, for the reminder. I am thankful that I don't have it easy. (Did I just say that?) If I had compliant, non-wild children 100% of the time I would not be learning these hard things. They are hard to love, but it is worth it to get up again and again and continue to press on in loving & serving them, as God has called me to.

His grace is truly sufficient. He died to take on my sin and my selfishness, to nail it to the cross forever, so I could walk in freedom. So I can get up when I feel beat down. So I can have hope when it seems like circumstances are impossible.

I know the "impossible" is different for everyone, but with Jesus all things are possible. Truly. I see that worked out in my life every day. In the daily moments. There is no way I could do this without Him. There is victory in Christ.

(And, just for the record, the day has gotten much better after my little mommy breakdown...and my children are a joy and a blessing to be with:)

God creates life

So we have some news in our household. An interesting development that we found out about in December, but that has definitely changed how 2015 will unfold. We are expecting baby #6! It's been nice to sort of keep this news to ourselves a bit longer than we usually do, but it's becoming a little obvious now as I approach 12 weeks along.
We have a busy life. Lots of little ones here, lots of chaos. But God saw fit to bring another life into our home right now. His ways are not our ways! We are excited to find out who this little one is and all that he or she will add to our family. The kids are so excited to welcome another baby. Well, Hannah's not too sure what to be excited about, but she sure does love babies:)

We know we'll probably hear some comments..."Oh wow, 6? Thought for sure you'd stop when you got your girl." or, "Are they all yours? Are you trying to be like the Duggars?" or a personal favorite, "Do you know how these things happen?!" I'm sure there will be some that we've not even heard before. That will be interesting! The thing is, God creates life. He absolutely created each one of these boisterous blessings under our roof, and he is creating this one now in my womb. It is an absolute miracle. That doesn't mean life with a big family is easy. It's hard...and messy. But God is absolutely growing our faith and trust along the way--that HE is our provider, and HE is our sustainer. We know we have to trust him to give him the strength and wisdom we need to raise each one of these unique children. His grace is sufficient.

Our desire is simply to be faithful in raising these little people for His glory. Our absolute greatest desire is that they'd each give their lives to--and be little boy and girl warriors for--HIM. That they would stand for truth and against evil, and follow hard after Jesus all of their days.

So it will be another busy year. If you're reading this and you think of it, prayers are always appreciated! I've been feeling pretty yucky with the nausea, and some days survival mode is about all that's happening around here. But God is faithful. I know He will equip us for these 6 just as he has and is for these 5. He's refining us all in this glorious chaos:)

"For we have all received from his fullness one gracious gift after another."

~John 1:16

A word for 2015

I asked the Lord to give me a word--literally, just one word--for this year. Last year I did that too, and he impressed upon me a few words, "I press on" (from Phillipians 3:12). That was very relevant and helpful for me in many ways last year. So I believe He faithfully showed me through Scripture yesterday that my word for this year is peace.

Peace.

Peace is sometimes hard to find in my world, as you may imagine. Boys are jumping and bouncing and making messes all around me at any given moment. Tasks that have yet to be completed are constantly swirling over me. Demands of time and energy and effort call my name. But I believe that God is telling me to rest in His peace this year. Despite all the chaos, all the demands, all the seemingly impossible things in my life...peace. One of the last things Jesus said to his disciples was "Peace I leave with you..." (John 16:33). It is ours. It is mine. Jesus said it. I just have to believe it, and then recieve it. Claim it. Let peace rule in my heart (Col. 3:15).

So that's what I'm going to be focusing on this year. You have permission to remind me if you're reading this. I know I will tend to forget;)

No matter what craziness comes my way in 2015, I want to remember that the Lord is faithful, and he is my God of peace.

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:7

 

What I'm learning

There is never a shortage of learning going on in this home. And I don't mean primarily academic! I had written on here about the month-long journey of specific Scripture praying I was doing for my boys in October. Well there was no earth shattering change in their behavior as a result of that, necessarily. But it was profound in my soul and I think it is beginning to affect our home. The constant reminder to let go, to trust Him with every part of them, to quit seeing myself as responsible for their heart or behavior change. When days are hard, it is easy to say "it's just a phase" or "tomorrow is a new day," but when I see my boys struggling with sin, I want to call it what it is and then let it bring me to my knees. God tells us he hears from on high. He hears every prayer, and I believe those specific prayers over my kids matter. They're making a difference in ways I do not understand or sometimes even see with my own eyes.

Our life is really messy. We are a big family. We have a lot of boys. And most of the time they are super wild and loud and primarily motivated by fun (getting a picture like the one above is very rare!). We're trying to teach them self-control, but ultimately we cannot make them be calm or care about others. I guess that is why Paul calls them fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5. Fruit can't make itself happen. An orange does not think really hard about trying to be a tasty orange. Just like that, I don't think we can try hard enough to be gentle and kind and loving and patient, without Jesus. I am going to fail every time. The Holy Spirit works in people in a powerful way, and behavior change is the result. It may be very slow, slooow behavior change, but He changes people. I have to believe that. At times I have to make myself believe it, because I can tend to be a grumbling Israelite in the process. "God, what am I doing wrong?" My thoughts say, "I do not see heart change...in these kids, and admittedly, in me sometimes. I must need to do something different." But God tells me to wait, to trust him, to seek Him, to continue being faithful. He is working. The process of sanctification is long and really hard. Sometimes I think maybe it would be easier to just not care. Just be like the world, please myself at all costs, seek that which I 'deserve.' But God is working. Sacrifice is worship, and it is worth it. I believe it has eternal significance.

So while we wait for all things to be made new, I am here, with a house full of young wild sinners whom I love desperately and fail miserably in some way every single day. And I want to rejoice no matter how hard the days can be. God is good to us. He is faithful. He is gracious. I want to remember the many blessings He gives. I want to remember the heart change He does. So I'll keep learning...

 

 

Praise and Prayer

Praising God for the blessing of 3 beautiful children who each turn one year older in this 2 ish week span of Fall time.

 

David is a sweet, hilarious, energetic 5 year old, who has been going through a "jammy phase" for almost 2 years now. We praise God for his unique spirit, and his desire to protect and defend those he loves. This boy is definitely in the Lord's army. And, randomly, he loves mustaches!

Joshua is almost 3, and he loves to run around with his "brudders" and play as hard as he possibly can during all waking hours of the day (and sometimes partially into the night). He also has an interest and love for all animals, and is often on a toad hunt in the backyard. He keeps us on our toes for sure, but he has a beautiful heart. Praise God, he has finally gotten the hang of potty training after a month of strong-willed battles!

Hannah Grace, our big 1 year old girl. So hard to believe. It seems like yesterday she was born. She is still so happy & content almost all of the time. She loves her brothers, is very observant and tender-hearted, and gives her snuggles out freely. She learned to walk about 3 days before her birthday, and is now toddling around everywhere. Praising God for her sweet (and somewhat calm--at least for now) spirit in our family:)

Children are a blessing, a heritage from the Lord. I truly believe that. With all these blessings, though, also comes lots and lots of hard work. I am often weary. I was telling a friend recently that I feel like I come to the absolute end of myself so often these days with my kids. I don't know how to make them listen or obey, or even care. Actually, I know that I can't! I've come to realize that my only option is prayer. I know it is the best option, but sometimes I do still wish there were some parenting book out there that had all the answers spelled out in a ten step formula. I would follow it to a T! I have looked, but unfortunately it does not exist. I am thankful, though. A fool-proof formula would be too easy, and then my kids would be robots and I would have no need to stay connected to my Savior.

At the end of the day (or beginning) I think the Lord is teaching me it is about where my heart is. Am I following my own selfish desires, inconvenienced by constant needs to correct or teach a child because of sin? I frequently am, if I am honest. But God, I want to change that. I am desperate for HIM to teach me how to parent these children. For HIM to show me what it means to truly be humble in front of my children, and to show mercy as I have been shown mercy.

This month I am joining again a 21 day challenge to pray God's word specifically over my sons (themobsociety.com). It is a powerful thing. Lord willing, I will share what I've learned from that sometime down the road. For now I am just so thankful that, despite my wayward, fickle self, God remains as faithful as the sunrise. Day after day. His mercy will not end.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him.” ~Lamentations 3:22-24

 

Dear Jack

My dear oldest child. I have been burdened for you lately. I have been at odds with you at times lately. You are starting to go through some growing pains. You are so thoughtful, always pondering things around you. You tend to internalize those thoughts, and at times I feel like I'd pay a million dollars to find out what that brain is up to.

I long for you to know you are loved. To know that you can be secure, and rest in God's undying love for you. I want you to stand strong, to be courageous, to not miss out on the abundant life Jesus died to give you. I have done that at times, because of fear or insecurity, and I know now that there is so much more joy and feeedom when I choose to trust Him with everything, and seek to walk in His ways rather than going my own way.

You are still so young. You love to play, to run and jump and be crazy, to hold onto your stuffed animals at night as you fall asleep. I pray you don't lose that innocent spirit as you grow and see more of the darkness that exists in this world. Let your light shine! Have hope for things eternal, do not cling to what will fade, which is everything under the sun. Serve God, love people, be a good steward of the gifts God gives.

You say one of your biggest fears is being in front of people. Mine too. I feel much more comfortable in the background, and I'm a home-body just like you:) But God will give you the strength to overcome those fears, to step out into what He is calling you to do. Don't let the moments when you do succeed boost your pride. In humility, give Him all the glory. I have no doubt He will do amazing things through you.

There is so much in the world that will try for your attention. So many things that may seem good can actually turn out to be a big waste of time. You and I, we fall prey to those things easily. Keep your eyes on Him always. Fight the distractions! Be a respector of people and property and time, but most of all respect and honor your Lord Jesus. He is our audience of One. The best time you will ever spend will be the quiet moments with Him and in his Word. You can trust He will speak to you there.

Lastly I just want to reiterate that you are loved. There is nothing ever that can or will change that. You will grow, you will change. You will be filled with swirling thoughts and emotions that you may not understand. You will make mistakes. But you will always be perfectly loved by our Father, and by us. We know we are not doing everything right in raising you, buddy, but we are so thankful God gives us the chance. By His grace, we just want to faithfully guide you in truth. You are a special boy. Created and purposed for great things...a warrior for His glory.

I love you,

Mommy

 

Not for wimps

Parenting is not for wimps. As I say this I fully realize...I am a wimp!

I finally got the last child to bed the other night and just collapsed on my bedroom floor. I had just tried to quietly and gently sing that last song to our toddler as he whined and cried about how he didn't want to go to bed, and then he thrashed his very hard head square into my face, practically breaking my nose (ok, not really, but it felt like it at the time). After that "episode" I was done. Literally. Fetal position. On the floor. Done. It was the last straw for me that day.

My feelings cried, "I can't do this anymore. It's too hard. I feel so empty. Constantly giving everything I have...and more. All day long. Getting in return only pain, all kinds of pain--physical, emotional. It feels like they just kill me every day and then stomp all over my guts and laugh about it." [A little dramatic, I know, but that's why they are called feelings, right?] Then, after a while, my level-headed, wise husband came and lay next to me on the floor. While he did not discount my feelings, having felt similar ones himself recently, he did bring some truth in to trump them. "We're looking them to fill us in some way," he said. "They can't. We need Jesus."

So simple, yet so true. We hold out our proverbial cup to whoever will fill it, and in parenting that happens to be children a lot of the time. I do it without ever realizing it. It feels good when they obey or use manners, when they offer unsolicited help or a random hug, or even clean up after themselves. It "fills" my tank so to speak. But it is only a false filling. That cup is truly only meant to be filled by One. And I am humbled yet again...

So in this house full of very loud, wild, beautifully human children, this wimp is constantly reminded of her desperate need for Jesus. I cannot do this without Him.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" ~2 Corinthians 12:9