Delight vs. Duty

What do I really enjoy? What are the "pleasures" of this life that I spend time thinking about or trying to obtain? Who do I really enjoy?

These are questions I've been challenged with recently. It has been really convicting. The first principle of the Westminster shorter catechism states that "Man's chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever." Last spring we taught our older boys that truth. Today I am realizing I'm not sure I know how to enjoy God, and I desperately am seeking to learn more.

When I think of my "bent" in life, it is to serve, to do. Give me a list and I'll make those checkboxes and get it done. Tell me how to help someone in a tangible way and I'm there. Give me something to clean, and though I may not love the process, I'll sure feel that sense of accomplishment when I'm done. Give me something to learn or to know, and I'll get a coffee and dive into some books.

Though there is nothing wrong with how God made me (and many others) to enjoy serving and doing, I think he is trying to teach me that what I know about him is meant to affect me in a feeling kind of way. What I do to serve Him is meant to be connected to my desire for God, as a form of worship and enjoyment of Him.

And this concept spills over into my family. As I came home from hearing a message about this topic the other night at Bible study, I was hit with the reality. I went to tuck in my kids one last time before I headed to bed, and I realized that when I'm in their rooms I usually pick up a couple things, straighten their sheets and pillows, and make sure their feet are covered nicely. I don't always take the moment to just put my face by their face and whisper love or a prayer over them, or even just to hear them breathe, thankful they are there. Though I have done that before, it's not my tendency. That reality struck a cord. I want to enjoy my kids. I want them to see that I enjoy them and that I want to be with them, not just to serve them and take care of them, which is my "duty" as their mother.

I don't write about this because I have the answer. Like I said, I'm wrestling with it. Praying that God will teach me how to enjoy Him more, that He will give me a greater sense of what it means to truly love Him, and not just the gifts that He gives.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." ~Psalm 37:4

"I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God..." ~Isaiah 61:10

I think kids probably know how to enjoy God better than grown-ups. Maybe because they're not bogged down by the weight of this world. I don't know.

Lord, may I learn to enjoy you, to delight in you, to love you more. And may I also learn how to do that better with my husband and my kids.

 

 

Growing like weeds

I have been delinquent on blogging for a while now. I was in major survival mode this Spring, with the beginning stages of this 5th pregnancy consuming what was left of my time & energy. I'm over 6 months along now, and so thankful to be feeling good. Still tired--but that's pretty much been a constant for 7 years now! I guess I've just had it on my heart to do a little update on the boys. They are doing well, growing and changing before our very eyes.

We went through a "no fruit" phase a little while ago, where we just really didn't feel like our discipline was working or paying off at all. We weren't seeing the fruit. But God is always faithful. I think He was just simply teaching Tom & me what obedience and faithfulness really mean--on our part, not the kids'. Thankfully, things have turned a bit of a corner. School is going well. Listening is happening sometimes. And occasionally we have an actual family dinner conversation instead of total chaos! While still as wild as can be, there are many moments where we see glimpses of the beautiful hearts God has given these 4 boys, and the purposes that He has made them each uniquely for. We are so thankful to be a part of the unfolding of their little lives. The blessings definitely outweigh the hard parts (even if we would still love for their ears to work a little more often ;).

Jack is almost 7. Wow. That's crazy. I still remember exactly what it was like spending the night with him in the hospital, watching fireworks out the window, not having any clue what our life would be like when we walked out those doors. And then Tom & I taking turns all night trying to console him as he screamed and we thought we'd be horrible parents if we gave him a pacifier on the first night of his life. Oh, how much we've learned since then! Jack is our biggest brother. He is learning some responsibility. He is finally enjoying school a little bit, and especially enjoying getting into certain things that he likes learning about (History and Science, some Math). He is our rule follower, and he loves an adventure. A lot of days, though he is getting older, I am still reminded he is a little boy. He still has a bed full of stuffed animals and books, and he loves to play imaginary games with his brothers. I love that.

Luke is 5 1/2! He is such a hard worker, and he loves a challenge. He also has grown to love soccer, and sometimes goes out to just kick the ball around even when no one else wants to go with him. He especially loves to play a soccer game with his daddy, choosing a team name like the monkey rocket frogs or something like that. He's our boy who's a bit harder to reach at times. He doesn't always volunteer a hug or cuddle, but when he does choose to show affection, it is priceless. He is thoughtful. He is kind. And he still adores and especially loves to care for his little brother Joshua.

David is our 3-year-old pistol. He is so fun-loving and cheerful most of the time, but he can also put up one of the biggest fights you've ever seen if you're asking him to do something he just simply does not want to do. He currently lives in his jammies, refusing to even play outside at times if it means he has to change into clothes. He was again the greatest fan at the soccer games this season, always wanting to wear his own "uniform" (the orange one Jack wore 2 years ago), even though he is still too young to play. He loves songs, puzzles and books...and his good old brown blanky. And he just loves to be crazy with his brothers. One thing we've seen recently is just how brave little David is. He is amazing when it comes to being hurt or afraid. So different from certain others in our house ;) Our lives certainly would be dull without this little guy in our family.

 

Then there's Joshua. Little Joshua. He's a toddler, and he knows it. He's as sweet and happy as can be one minute, and then throwing a tantrum, full out throwing himself on the floor the next. He does have a tender heart, though, always running over to check on someone right away if they are crying or hurt. He loves animals, and has found a best friend in our dog, Maggie (her name was one of his first words). He's mommy's baby still right now, and though we know God is going to absolutely work it out when this new little one comes along, Josh will certainly be in for a little shock in his world. For now, when we mention the baby he says "baby" and points to both mommy's tummy and then his right after that. He's a joy, and we know he'll be a wonderful big brother.

 

 

 

 

{trust Him today}

There are no guarantees in life. As much as my affinity-for-control mind would like to think that I can somewhat predict what tomorrow will look like, I can't. That is why I must trust Him today.

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you." Isaiah 26:3

God is good. He is faithful. His promises are true. Though he does not promise ease or comfort in this life, He does promise blessing and peace to those who trust in Him. The thing is, I can't say I trust God today and then try to orchestrate my own tomorrow. I am realizing I can't trust him today and then coast into tomorrow. I have to trust him today, then tomorrow I 'trust him today' again, and the next day...and you get the point.

Tomorrow might look very different from what I thought it would look like. Or it might not. Decisions might need to be made that I did not see coming. There may be fear, there may be weariness. But God is not taken off-gaurd. He is not surprised. He is not scrambling or in a hurry to fix things up. His plan is carefully designed, mapped out, intentional. He is always drawing us closer, into complete dependence upon Him, the author of our faith. He is providing what we need at every turn.

Lord may I trust you today, may I just walk where you lead. And then may I wake up and do it again tomorrow.

"Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall...as for me, I trust in you." Psalm 55:22-23

 

It's not about me

Happy New Year! It's been a while since I've found the time or energy to write but I was feeling a bit reflective over the past couple days and it seems God is pressing a message on my heart for this new year. If I'm truly honest, while 2012 was filled with many blessings, it was also sort of a tumultuous year in my spirit. I battled some depression. It took a while to get out of that hole and I still have occasional days where I struggle to see the light, but praise Him that they are much much less. I have to say, though, that the message God keeps whispering to me is, "it's not about you." I don't think he's at all whispering that in a demeaning way or even that he's disappointed with me. But he is very practically urging me to turn my head up, to set my mind on things above, to look around me at the ones he has put in my path to bless and be blessed by. He is tenderly, gently pointing me outside myself and teaching me to look beyond even my feelings about the circumstances that surround me.

I recently was reading about grace. It was one of those things where I read a passage in my Bible about it (Titus), then saw a daily devotional about it, then sang a song in church that spoke basically the same message, then in a children's book. Really? You think God wanted me to hear something there?! It's not about me!

I've known what grace is for a long time. A free gift. A favor. Not earned or worked for. Given. Freely. But that fact that grace is still at work in my life constantly. That is beyond me. I can't understand it or comprehend it. But I want to believe it, and quit trying to prove it!

"We can choose to live as one "filling" with his grace--all that he freely gives." ~Ann Voskamp

"For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self- controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ" ~Titus 2:11-13

I want to start this year with this outlook. Less about how much more faith I can have, how much more & better I can teach or discipline my children or love my husband, less about how I can be the person I should (and want to) be. These are all good things. And I still have them as goals in the back of my mind. But in the forefront I want to just simply look up more than I look in. Seeking Him & His opinion about something even before 'searching myself.'

His grace allows me to live and move and breathe and raise lots of little boys, to love one husband and serve the people in my path in intentional ways. I fail miserably at all these things...but by His grace alone. Transforming grace. Redeeming grace. Training grace.

It's not about me. It's not about my faith. It's about a God who is mighty to save. And how He is always faithful.

Looking up...

 

 

Thankful for promises

I feel like a failure sometimes. Ok, maybe a lot of times. There's always something I could be doing better. I'm late yet again. I yelled at my kids. We lost or ruined something. We forgot something else (because I should be more organized). My husband feels slighted because of my inability to focus on what he says to me at times....and on and on and on.

I think this is why God has been impressing upon me lately that I need to soak in his promises. My tendency is definitely to "do" something when I feel like I've failed. Do something to fix it. Give me a book on how to be a better wife, mom, sister, daughter, friend, and I will eagerly read it (or at least start reading it). Give me a checklist of "10 verses that make you a better Christian" and I'll write those things out and even draw the little boxes next to each item so I can physically check them off as I do them. I've got scripture in my bathroom, my car, the kitchen, it's even plastered to some of our walls in our home to remind us of truth. Check, check, check!

Doing is good. It has its place in this world. Obviously God put us here for a reason...to 'do stuff' to bring him glory. But the Lord has been saying to me in so many ways lately to slow down the doing. To seek His promises, not dwell on commands. That doesn't mean commands aren't important. They definitely are! But for me, for right now, he wants me to be. He is teaching me to receive the grace. So I need to write them out, meditate on them, memorize them, and be fed the promises of God.

Here are a few I am very thankful for in this moment, this day, and in this week of giving thanks...

• The Lord, my God, holds my hand...and He says "Do not fear." (Isaiah 41:13)
• The Lord is faithful. He guards me against the evil one. (2 Thessalonians 3:3)
• He is making all things new. (Revelation 21:5)
• "He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." Colossians 1:17
• "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end." Lamentations 3:22
• It does not depend on my desires or effort, but on God's mercy. (Romans 9:16)
• The Lord daily bears my burdens. And He saves me. (Psalm 68:19-20)
• Nothing is too hard for my sovereign God. (Jeremiah 32:17)
• I am precious and honored in His sight. (Isaiah 43:4)
• He will never leave me [or my husband or my kids or my friends or family] or forsake me. (Deuteronomy 31:8)
• He gives me rest when I am weary. (Matthew 11:28)

His promises are rocks to cling to. I need a lot of reminding. But every time I feel like I've failed, he picks me up and dusts me off and reminds me again of who I am and who He is. He reminds me of all I have to be thankful for. My actions can never take him by surprise. The circumstances around me cannot either. Nothing is off his radar.

So when I feel those emotions swirling up in my spirit, I want to remember to just rest. Be still. Rest in the promises of the Almighty God. He holds it all in his hands.

For this, I am thankful:)

Living in Him

Daylight savings time is not my friend. Every year it seems we have just gotten into a nice groove of the kids waking up a little after 7am, and then it hits. I knew it was coming, but somehow hoped this year we'd all actually enjoy the extra hour of sleep. It sort of took me by surprise that I was jolted out of bed by 4--yes, all 4--little voices at 6:00 on the dot.

You see, I make every effort I can to wake up before my kids. It's not at all something I do because of legalism or because I want to seem all spiritual. The Lord (and a dear friend) truly led me to this habit about 4ish years ago and ever since I have come to realize I need this morning time with Him. A chance to refresh in the quiet, to fill my spirit with the truth of God's Word and ask Him to guide my day, before little feet and loud voices come running my way.

I am so thankful for this morning time, but with four very young kids, it is not a guarantee. Yesterday was a prime example. I was sort of alarmed at my panic reaction when I realized I would not get a moment of quiet. I started thinking, "What if I can't get to my chair...I can't get my coffee and open my Bible before they get loud and unruly and someone needs to go potty (they would still be in their rooms until 7--rules!)...this day is totally ruined!"

My solution was to get in the shower to at least drown out the noise, and hope that it would be quiet when I got out. And God spoke to me in that time. He seemed to place the question on my heart, "Am I any less accessible when you don't get your morning quiet time in? Am I further away from you?" Of course, the answer is a big fat NO, but why don't I get it sometimes? I think I found the key is in seeking.

"Seek and you will find..." It is a common phrase found many places in the Bible. Maybe that is because I'm not the only one who needs to be reminded. Seek Him! Find Him! Seek the Lord in the morning quiet and in the chaos both. Seek Him in the laundry or bills piled up. Seek Him in the dirty dishes, the school books, the phone calls, the sickness, the family dynamics. Seek in the messy moments and the ones that go just as we planned (that happens on occasion).

"God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. For in Him we live and move and have our being." ~Acts 17:27-28

I will continue to be recharged through my quiet moments with God before this house starts buzzing. I know He will continue to provide those moments, though they may be interrupted at times. Lord help me figure out what it truly means to seek you in every moment of my day, to truly live and move and have my being in you, even when the morning quiet is scarce.

Turning 1!

Where has the year gone? I know that time flies as children grow, but seriously, the first year just zooms past. Maybe part of that is the slight fog of exhaustion we're in for 6 weeks or so after the delivery, or maybe just the fast pace of development, one milestone after the next. Whatever it is, we are so thankful for the life of this littlest boy in our family.

 

Joshua is very energetic (wonder where he gets that from!). And he is also very opinionated and feisty. Did I say feisty? I mean...passionate. He knows what he wants, and he is going to go after it with everything he's got in him. He's the one who was the hardest birth so far. He had the hardest time sleeping at night (until the Lord graciously taught him how at around 9 months). He is a stubborn napper. And he still has a very hard time every day around 5-7 pm!! But God makes up for all the hard parts in how amazingly cute He made him :)

He loves to play with anything that is not marketed as a baby toy! He loves the dishwasher, tupperware, crayons (eating them), paper (ripping or eating it) and just about anything in the bathroom (yes, he's the first one to actually stick his hand into the toilet and splash around--disgusting!). He loves being outside, even if it means his little knees get a little scraped up. He likes to climb just about anything. He is a funny eater, with black bean lasagna being his ultimate favorite so far! He also loves yogurt, and hates getting to the last bite. By the way, yes, this is how he ate his cake at his birthday party. Face first. I think he's a fan of frosting!

He's beginning to do that "baby language" thing, talking like we all understand what he's saying, with his hand up in the air for emphasis, usually. He's always calling for his brothers when they're not around. He loves to smile anytime the camera points to him. He is an awesome snuggler, and always hugs my neck so tight and lays his head down in relief when I pick him up out of his crib. He loves to laugh and be tickled or thrown into the air. And he loves, loves, loves for mommy to hold him anytime she's in the kitchen fixing a meal;)

 

We are so thankful for this year we have had with Joshua. May the Lord draw him close and may he seek after him with all of his heart, all of his days.