When you just don't feel it

What to do on days when you just don't feel it? I asked myself this question this past Sunday. I really had no reason not to be happy. So much to be thankful for. So much God has done for me. Yet, I was sort of grumpy. I let everything possible weigh heavy on me. I did not feel spiritual, I was sceptical. I did not feel like I understood what God was doing, I was stubborn.

I have a child who tends to do this also. Some days he just makes this face all day long (except not staged, but for real!).

That's a nice face, huh?! But the thing is, how many of us walk around with our secret pain and don't wear it like this. Walk around with our grumpy but still respond with "fine" when asked how we are. It is probably more common than we realize.

I was pondering what my sin is on the days when I just don't feel the fullness of God all over me. I easily thought of the outward sins, like snapping at the kids or taking it out on my husband, but those are just symptoms of the underlying problem. The problem is deeper, residing in the heart. What's the root, I wondered. As we sang, "Thank you for loving me, thank you for finding me, thank you for hearing me..." in church that morning, I think I realized that unbelief is the root, with selfishness that sprouts up rapidly from it. And I had a choice to make.

I could choose to literally force myself to stand on the solid rock of Christ that moment, whether I felt it or not. I could choose to believe all that Christ has done for me, that I know I have accepted as truth. He is the way, He is the truth, HE IS THE LIFE. I could walk forward on that truth, and trust what He says to be true. He can do all things. He shines light into darkness. He truly does hear every cry of my soul. Every secret thought. Every secret ache of things gone wrong in this world. He is bigger. And He is absolutely in control.

I could choose to believe that, and lay my 'grumpy' in His hands, trusting that my feelings would eventually follow. Or I could choose to disbelieve, to groan, to wallow, and to continue on with the emphasis on "me, me, me." I think some people think that if you're a true Christian then you must never struggle with these things. That you feel the Spirit all over you all the time, and certainly on Sunday morning during worship. You shouldn't ever doubt or feel like you have to literally will yourself to have faith. I know I used to think that. But that's just not reality. Some days we do have to make ourselves believe. It is a choice.

Maybe faith like a child doesn't have to look happy all the time. It just has to be real. Honest. Trusting. Yielding. Taking it all to our Father. Letting go.

Jesus never sinned, but he did feel. He felt compassion, sorrow, anger, pain. He even felt like he didn't want the cup he'd been given... He had emotions, just like we do, yet He always chose to believe God. He always chose life over destruction. To stand on the Rock.

I am thankful God hears me. Thankful he sees my soul on the secret grumpy days, and He sees me on the days that I feel His fullness evident from the very start. I think maybe he rejoices when I choose to believe Him either way. I know that His grace pours down and covers me, regardless. What amazing grace.

Maybe when we choose life, and to have faith like a child, we can also get over things a little quicker, lighten up a little more easily, and walk on...with that smile on our face.

"This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live..."

~Deuteronomy 30:19

Letting go, being brave and grace for the little ones

Last week this oldest boy turned 6 years old!!! He is truly a gracious gift from God. He had a great birthday surrounded by family and friends, and ending it watching fireworks out a dark window of the bedroom, with us looking on. We reminisced how 6 years ago we stared out another dark window--of a hospital room--holding his tiny little body in our arms, not having any idea how our lives were about to be changed forever.

We are proud of Jack for many reasons, but recently he's had a couple of moments that have stood out. He's processing things differently these days, and learning to let go a little.

He has always been our little 'collector.' His bed is always full of little trinkets, cards, papers, animals, tags, etc. When we take his sheets off there is usually at least one or two items that take a little swim in the washing machine unintentionally. In his years of collecting, he has sometimes had an especially hard time letting go of things. Even if it seems like trash to us, it is usually a treasure to him. On one particular day a couple weeks ago his treasure of the moment was a tiny angry bird pencil-topper. He had carried it with him everywhere for at least 48 hours. Until he let it leave his sight for a moment...and the dog decided to move in and eat it. No joke. She doesn't chew on many of the kids' toys, but if she wants to she can really destroy something in no time flat (you could never tell by this sweet face, right?!).

I heard crying in the backyard, looked out and he was mumbling something about his angry bird and "Lily ate it." I braced myself for the coming wrath that would probably ensue. Like I said, he usually doesn't let things go easily, and he probably would very shortly be demanding we get him another one and right now, and then cry for the rest of the morning when I said no... But he didn't! He had that little cry, then we talked about how disappointing it is when we lose something, and he moved on. Oh my goodness! He moved on! It might not seem like a big deal, but for this little boy, it was monumental. He is learning not to cling to 'stuff' in this world. And so am I...still! I pray that we would store up our treasures not on this earth, but in Heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy (Matthew 6:19-21).

Luke recently had a brave big boy moment of riding on a horse! It was really cool because I could almost see the turmoil within as he decided whether or not to ride. The horse was big. And I could tell he was scared, though I don't think someone who doesn't know him would have noticed. All by himself, though, he resolved to get up there and just do it. I don't think he particularly loves horses. In fact, as much as I would love it if they did, I don't think any of our boys have taken to a true love (or slight obsession) for animals just yet. So it was amazing. He just got up there and rode away from me, and didn't even look back. And he was of course VERY excited to tell Daddy all about it when he got home ;)

This little 2 year old boy sometimes seems like he is about 16. He can talk back like a teenager, like when he is told to stop doing something and he promptly replies with, "Mommy, you stop doing that!" But he loves fiercely too. He is passionate and strong. He is hilarious. And though he doesn't really have a desire to do what is right (yet), hearing what he says after being disciplined for the umpteenth time for getting out of bed (instead of sleeping) at naptime is precious. He prays to God, "Thank you, God, for David. Help me to do what is right and listen to mommy and stay in my bed. Amen." I hope I never forget his little mousy toddler voice saying those words, straight from his heart. And I know that one day he will realize that God honors that prayer and will give him the strength he needs to do what is right.

Joshua is 9 months old! He is growing wilder by the minute. He can crawl super fast now, and is starting to get into anything and everything that comes across his path. I've found him in the dog water, playing with the plunger (ewww!), and he's even made a journey down from the top of the staircase (thanks be to God that he was completely fine after that adventure). So, we have another explorer on our hands. And he's not going to miss a thing;)

Here are a few more pictures from recent days. Trying to count the blessings amidst moments of crazy chaos in this house, as we are experiencing grace upon Grace. And trying to practice the presence of our Almighty Creator in our everyday 'stuff.'

 

 

 

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Putting the Armor on

In this house, there are many battle scenes going on at any given time. Sometimes (on good days) it is 3 brothers fighting as a team against their imaginary enemy; sometimes it's one of those brothers against another (on a not so good day). And still other times it's this weary mama, trying to fight those spiritual battles of my flesh that try to creep in and destroy my day.

I have been giving much thought to this putting on armor thing, especially now that my husband decided to make the boys some all-out swords and shields (from duct tape, no less!), and it seems they are constantly running around in a battle. Their focus has been mainly on getting the bad guy. Sometimes, they are even talking to each other about "fighting Satan." Thankfully they don't fully understand what that means yet (do any of us?) but it is real to their little minds, and they always have him beat.

I, on the other hand, often feel like I am in a losing battle in this world. I'm tired of living in defeat. I spend many moments lingering over failures and feeling shame or guilt over one mess-up or another. I spend many moments trying to be better, or if I am really honest, am I trying to earn grace? Maybe I just need to stop trying. I was recently confronted with the concept of "imputed righteousness." I say confronted, because I believe I sort of knew what the concept meant, it was packed away somewhere deep inside when I first came to know the Lord, but I needed it to hit me smack in the face once again, so that maybe I could really get it this time.

Imputed righteousness is the righteousness of Christ that is completely placed on us through faith. That is, we can do nothing to earn it or to make ourselves "more righteous" than we already are. We can do NOTHING! Not even fight those battles. They are not ours to fight. God looks at a child who has declared him Lord and sees only righteousness, not every sin laid bare, not every failure or mistake. He sees the blood of Jesus, clothing us with a robe of righteousness.

"I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness." ~Isaiah 61:10

I am trying to change my view of how I wear this armor. Starting my day with the battle in mind, but coming before the Lord with a surrendered heart first. Fixing my eyes not on the enemy, but on the One who is my hope in victory, over anything that threatens. Literally, I'm trying to picture in my mind that robe of pure white that adorns me, as His mercies fall new with the start of each day. That I am lifting up myself, and He is the one adorning me with his armor, preparing me for the day's battles, and fighting them for me as I keep my eyes fixed on Him. When my eyes tarry--and they certainly will, as I am prone to wander--I can simply call on His strength to turn them back, to lift my shield of faith for me, to give me the sword of the spirit, which is the Word. David never defeated Goliath on his own, with the Lord as his back-up. No, those stones flew in the name of the Lord God Almighty. They were His stones. And that is why Goliath was defeated.

I pray for our boys that they may have a right view of who they are in Christ. Somehow may we impart on them how He sees them, how He is for them. And may they yield their weapons to Him, that they may never try to fight their battles on their own.

"This is what the Lord says to you: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s." ~2 Chronicles 20:15

God is surely alive

I've been meaning for a little while now to write a blog post on prayer. We've had many ups & downs in trying to teach our boys how to pray. Some days frustrated, feeling like nothing is getting through to them (as they do somersaults and jump around the room while we're trying to pray before bed)...and then other days being floored by the maturity of how they pray. Lately it's been more the latter, thankfully. It's amazing to see their little hearts. Jack & David often pray thankful prayers, listing off many things and people that they are thankful to God for. And Luke almost always prays like this before bed, "God, thank you for this day. Help me to do what is right and serve you and praise you every day. Amen." :)

The thing that prompted me tonight to write this post is the crazy day we've had, and the amazing proof of how faithful and incredibly alive God really is. We started off with church, then coming home to the boys going crazy as usual when they get unleashed from the car and are waiting for us to fix lunch. They were on the back porch playing, and we're not exactly sure what happened, but Luke started running toward the door into the house, tripped and fell face-first into the brick stairs. Ouch! He came in bleeding, his nose literally looking smashed in between his eyes (sorry for graphics). Next thing we knew we were in the ER...

The thing I wanted to share, so that we do not forget, is the power of prayer and God's faithfulness today. As we were waiting for my mom to come over, Luke was crying on my lap (screaming, actually) and Tom had already called the other boys over and prayed over him. Luke then calmed for a moment and then the pain hit again and he screamed again. I told him that it might hurt a little bit more as it heals, but God was with him and would heal him. That's when he decided to yell at me to pray for him. He wanted me to pray that it wouldn't hurt while it heals. So I prayed. And apparently I wasn't getting to the point fast enough because he yelled at me again as I prayed, "No, mommy, you're not praying for what I wanted." So I did. I prayed specifically that God would help it not to hurt him as the injury healed.

On the way to the ER, he continued to cry and complain about pain and discomfort because his nose was swelling more and more by the second. Then he just zonked out and fell asleep for about 10 minutes. When he woke up, I am not kidding you, he was a different kid. He did not complain one bit. He told everyone at the hospital all about his 3 brothers, their names and ages. He was polite. He was compliant. He was not in pain. It was amazing. And though Tom & I both saw with our own eyes how his bone was crushed right after the injury, the doctors found no deviation in his nasal septum when they checked him out. Meaning that it might not even be badly broken. Insane!

As I asked Tom whether he thought we should give more pain medicine to Luke before bed, it started to sink in. He's not in pain while he's healing. His specific prayer was answered. This could have gone so differently today. But God...

I don't know why we were supposed to have this kind of day. It may seem small to some, but maybe we just needed to "feel" God in some way. Maybe Luke needed a specific incident early in his life to remember when God had faithfully answered his prayer in such a tangible way. 

I don't know. But I do know this. Our God is surely alive. And is always working on our behalf.

I won't go into the rest of our day after coming home from the hospital...just that it involved taking care of 6 kids under age 6, trying to keep up with the playing and appetites of these little ones all while trying to keep Luke somewhat calm (which, if you know him, is a joke!). Again, God was faithful. And now we are tired :)

Love sums it up

Why can't we all just love one another?!?

I must say it 100 times a day. "Love your brother. Honor him above yourself." And sometimes it might not come out as calm and nice-sounding, but more like, "Stop being so selfish!"

We tell them that they will be blessed as they obey God, and will have consequences as they choose to disobey. Well, guess what? So will grown-ups! So do I.

I don't know why but I have been flooded recently with the idea of 'loving my neighbor'. Maybe it's because I'm studying the book of James, and he is serious about not just having a "believing faith" but a "doing faith." If we're not living it, James would say, we're probably actually not even believing it.

I've also been flooded with the concept of how we love other people, especially when it's hard. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says if you only love those who love you, what good is that? (paraphrase of Matthew 5:46) It may seem I can start my day full of the Spirit, ready to pour out that love onto everyone around me, but then when the people actually come into view, and they start doing things that I didn't expect and don't really like, that love tank empties out fast. I get offended...and hurt. And hurt people hurt people.

But if we all would remember that concept then maybe it would actually be easier to love and have grace for others. We are all hurt people. We can't walk out our front door most days without having felt some ounce of hurt from something someone has done or said (whether it was that day or even years before). Our human minds and emotions do not let go that quickly. If we could look beyond ourselves, though (talking to myself here), then we would realize we are all hurting in some way. We do not have any idea what it's like to be someone other than ourselves. So we really cannot know what another person is struggling with or hurting from. And nothing and no one can truly bring healing except Jesus.

That is how I want my kids to respond when they are hurt. I know their hurts right now mostly amount to a toy being grabbed away from them, or sand getting in their eye, but I want them to think of that other person, and pray. No matter what their hurt might be, that other person is hurting too. Deep down in our souls there is a God-shaped hole in everyone, and when that is not filled with the Lord, then we are bound to live out of selfish tendencies...which leads to not loving others.

What would this world be like if we all had grace for one another? Praying for each and every person who "wrongs" us, instead of instantly accusing and judging, standing up for our rights and retaliating (even if it's just in our thoughts). Not excusing sin or justifying it in any way, but leaving it up to God to be the righteous judge that he is.

Maybe that's why Jesus said, "If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love...and my command is this: LOVE ONE ANOTHER!!" (emphasis added, John 15:10,17)

Parental gem mining {moments of brilliance}

This parenting thing is hard. And in this house we seem to go through seasons where it feels like it's truly kicking our tail! Thankfully, I think we are slowly coming out of one of those now. Maybe a lot of the intensity of it had to do with sleep deprivation, but whatever the source, the enemy was frequently trying to use it to bring us down, to make us wonder if we were doing anything right. But God... He's constantly working, and constantly refining. When we open our eyes, we can see the blessings, always there, just sometimes in disguise. Like a gem waiting to be discovered under the dirt and grime.

We recently discovered that Jack is wired for responsibility. Imagine that! God designed him to be the biggest brother in not a small family. And He has equipped him to help care for his little brothers. We've seen that it gives him some sense of purpose, and he even seems to enjoy it. We got advice from some friends about a month ago to let the oldest dress the youngest sometimes, even at their young ages. And so we tried it one day and asked him to dress David, and lo and behold, he could do it, and well! He even put a diaper on him. So now it's become a semi-regular occurence. And most of the time they end up having fun in the process...or Jack ends up learning how frustrating it can be when someone chooses not to listen. Both outcomes work in our favor (usually). And when he's just having a bad day, we've discovered that giving him a task like helping feed the baby, helps bring him out a little bit and get him thinking about something other than his own comfort for the moment. It's been a beautiful thing to see, and a nice help to me too ;)

Luke's moment of brilliance came to me about a week and a half ago when I took him out on a "date." I know he is mostly an upbeat child, but it just hit me that he is just plain excited about life. It is not hard to get him all out enthusiastic about something. He tends to just jump right in. I mean, our date was consisted of a little cup of ice cream & some shopping, and you would've thought I was taking him to see the Super Bowl! Every Friday since he started playing soccer this season, he asks me what time his game will be the next day, and then he tells me that he wishes he was in the car already on the way there because he loves to play soccer SO much. And when he talks about how much he loves his baby brother, he cannot contain himself. He loves him SO much, he says, that he even wants to sleep in his crib with him! It's a blessing to see this boy be so excited about life. May it always be to the glory of God.

David is just plain funny. He is such his own person, we could never fit him into a mold. He also has an amazing excitement about life. He just makes us laugh. One of those rough parenting moments recently was occurring around dinnertime, as is common in a house with young ones. And after disciplining someone for getting out of their chair, and someone else for not eating and being rude, we look over and David decided to put his shirt like this. I don't think we knew whether to laugh or cry. We decided laughing would be the better option. We're thankful for the way God has wired him to lighten things up when things are getting a little too serious around here.

Joshua learned how to sleep this week!!! There is no explanation, nothing different we did. It is absolutely to the glory of God alone. Our prayer for many weeks now, every night laying hands on his little head, is that the Lord will teach him how to sleep and get the rest his body needs. Relinquishing control. We tried everything we could possibly have done...and then we just let go. And slowly, over the past week or so, the wakings decreased, the crying became less, and 2 nights ago he actually slept an entire 11 hours straight! Now that's a moment of brilliance if we've ever seen one :) Praise God!

Gratitude and pity parties

Yesterday was Mother's Day. It was a beautiful, dreary day where we live, and I awoke to handmade cards and other wonderful gifts from the boys (and man) that I love. It started off good. There wasn't even any discipline involved in the first hour or so of them being awake! So many blessings.

Later in the day, though, I started to go within. Something prompted me to remember a difficult moment in the past, and something else prompted me to feel overwhelmed and a bit forgotten, and then it spiraled from there. A pity party. Call it what it was. And before I knew it I needed to just escape for a breath of fresh air.

So that's what I did. It was nothing brought on by anyone else. I have every reason in the world to feel loved and blessed by my children and my husband. It was just me. (And some hormones, if I'm totally honest). I drove and I sung, and I talked on the phone. First to my grandmother, who was so optimistic and encouraging, even though her circumstances had her in a hospital bed yesterday. She laughed as she told me that one year one of her sons got her a strainer for Mother's Day. And I talked to my mom, who knew immediately that I was a bit down (can't hide anything from her!). She also encouraged with strong words of truth, and prayed over me. Then I perused over some flowers and fruit at the Farmer's Market. Then I went to the grocery store. Alone.

When I finally felt like I could breathe wasn't even after all of that, though. It wasn't even the moment I walked in the door again and their faces lit up as they said, "Mommy!" It was when I realized I needed to count them up. The baby's soft coos as I laid him in bed made me think of it.

I sat, and I picked up a pen and my journal (that has gotten a little too dusty), and I counted them out. Backwards. From the end of the day to the beginning. I counted blessings. Gratitudes. The many gifts seen in that one day. And I wrote. And I wrote. And something lifted. It was like I felt the sun starting to shine through the dreary clouds.

Even though I knew I had a ton to be thankful for, I needed to will myself to take action about it. To look outside of myself. To write them out, one by one. The many grace-gifts He gives. When I looked back over it I realized, even in a little Mother's Day pity party, God cared. He was reaching down, blessing me, gently orchestrating things that would point me to Him. To the truth...that God never forgets His children.

I am blessed. I am thankful. God is grace.