I had one of the worst mornings I've had in a while today. Ended up a broken mess on the floor. Overwhelmed, feeling unloved, disrespected, like nothing is working. Wanting to quit. And none of my boys even noticed.
Yet my God met me there. It was actually an awesome moment (though it didn't feel like it at the time). I just cried out to the Lord. Desperate. And honest. I felt His presence meet me there. Like a gentle touch, telling me it would be okay. He picked me up and helped me go on. He showed me that "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26).
I felt like He also nudged me in the direction of my sons. Yes, it would have been nice if they all ran after their mama, so in tune with my emotions, asking what was wrong, apologizing for whatever they did wrong, offering to ease my burdens... But they are little boys. They don't know how to do that. They saw me hurting, I am pretty sure of that, but they did not know how to handle it. So they did what little boys do. They made jokes and played and took the opportunity to go outside.
These little people are hard to love sometimes. It's hard to give to them constantly, even to have it feel like they are walking all over me a lot of the time. It is hard to be reminded so often that the selfishness I see in them, is also very evident in me. I am thankful, though, for the reminder. I am thankful that I don't have it easy. (Did I just say that?) If I had compliant, non-wild children 100% of the time I would not be learning these hard things. They are hard to love, but it is worth it to get up again and again and continue to press on in loving & serving them, as God has called me to.
His grace is truly sufficient. He died to take on my sin and my selfishness, to nail it to the cross forever, so I could walk in freedom. So I can get up when I feel beat down. So I can have hope when it seems like circumstances are impossible.
I know the "impossible" is different for everyone, but with Jesus all things are possible. Truly. I see that worked out in my life every day. In the daily moments. There is no way I could do this without Him. There is victory in Christ.
(And, just for the record, the day has gotten much better after my little mommy breakdown...and my children are a joy and a blessing to be with:)
